[LA-ML]

Has anyone felt lonely even in a crowd? Or so alone that you just hate yourself? I don’t know what to do right now. I feel alone but at the same time do not want to be around people. ESPECIALLY the people I live with and that includes staff.
I need a new power cord to my C-PAP machine for my sleep apnea and they told me that I have to pay $20 for it. I got upset cause I get in trouble for not wearing cause I could die in my sleep. I wake up at night gasping for air. And it scares the crap out of me. I use to not wear it for the simple fact that yes I could die and I want to die in my sleep. BUT not anymore.
I will be moving out on my own soon and then who am I going to have to talk to or smoke with. I have some friends here in town but they are older and they won’t be around forever. And then that scares me. I guess I am afraid of everything.
I promise I won’t do the stupid things that are in my head cause my psych doctor threatened to get me a guardian and put me in the hospital and then a CBHH which is the new state hospitals here in Minnesota. Which I have been to two of them and hated them. You can’t smoke and when you go outside it is in a little cage.
Another thing I am afraid of is failure. I already feel that I am in some areas. I promised my Grandpa that I would take care of my Grandma and she promised him that she would take care of me and I ended up 8 hours away from her. I use to talk to her on the phone every day. Like 5 times and then before I went to bed. I talked to her the night before she passed away and I told her that I knew she loved me and that I loved her and that she could go and that I would be fine. Well, I’m not okay. And I SO BADLY want to be okay. And I am not.

[Ceridwen18]

Hi there,you sound like you have a lot going on in your head right now. It's awful to feel alone. I can relate to that, even with people all around. Is there anyone at all you can talk to about your fears?
Hugs

Dear LA-ML,
I'm so sorry your fear and anxiety are so intense. I hope it is a little less intense today. One of your fears is healthy, the fear of being without your C-PAP machine. And really, the fact that you're about to move making you fearful, also sounds "normal". Not trying to dismiss that your having trouble with lots of anxiety. Sometimes I come to this forum when I am anxious so I don't feel as alone. Would love to hear how your move goes.
Sincerely, Myst

[Sula B]

Yes. I feel lonely in crowds all the time. It is part of the anxiety and depression resulting from past experiences.

I am sorry you are experiencing this fear and anxiety and feelings of loneliness.

I have found just by visiting this site and talking, commenting, offering support I feel less alone so please keep posting and let us know how you go with your move.

[Fuzzybear]

[YorkieMom]

Sending you a hug sounds like you have a lot on your mind . . . . . Congratulations on your move, a new chapter in your life Take care of your self and know you have others to talk to on here!! New place invites the possibility of new experiences and friends. Take care and keep us posted LA-ML

I very much feel lonely in a crowd. I don't like being alone all of the time but there are times when I don't mind it. I prefer to have just a couple of good friends and that's it.

I feel lonely a lot when I'm at the pool area and there are other people who are together. It seems like they don't need me. So that makes me feel bad. Also I feel that way when I go to church. I don't feel lonely when I'm at work.

[Angelique67]

This is something I haven't really thought about for awhile. I'd have to say, for the most part, no I don't feel lonely. I'm judging by my years living in NYC. It is always crowded in NYC but it's sort of an interactive challenge to feel lonely. Because there is always someone whose space you're in, and who's in your space.

It would be different if I tried going places with the goal of meeting people. I did that a lot, and it got me out of my apartment when I did go anywhere. Other than that, i worked the graveyard shift with the sole purpose being away from people. So, i may have been lonely at the time, but in retrospect, i don't think I was as lonely as I may have felt, I was taking care of myself the only way I could, in isolation.

And again, there is plenty of contact with others just walking down the street there. Almost everyone is people watching, so there are little connections being made, just doing that.

i certainly feel lonely even if people are telling me yes, i know what you're going through, i go through it too

but i think that's because i've been lonely all my life. i don't know what it feels like to actually be wanted and respected

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by shattered sanity

i certainly feel lonely even if people are telling me yes, i know what you're going through, i go through it too

but i think that's because i've been lonely all my life. i don't know what it feels like to actually be wanted and respected

I know it's not the same, but you certainly have us. I respect you and want you around.

Originally Posted by Angelique67

I know it's not the same, but you certainly have us. I respect you and want you around.

thank you... i want to be around too!. (at least around here)

if i want to be around in the real world.. i'm not sure

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by shattered sanity

thank you... i want to be around too!. (at least around here)

if i want to be around in the real world.. i'm not sure

Yes, the real world is often pretty bad. I do avoid it as much as I can. I'm going through so much bad stuff, from the janitor and his "team" of gaslighters. He's always around if he's awake, thinking of new ways to torture me, whether it's making me breathe noxious fumes, or having the neighbors downstairs do their little parties - it sounds crazy so I'll stop there. Anyway, my reality here is horrible. I do still plan to move, but something has been holding me in a weird fear of moving. I'm so freaked out and I haven't even called about seeing any places. Mainly because I don't have a car and can't get to places that are over an hour each way. Hopefully I'll be able to get to the ophthalmologist soon and then be able to rent a car. It scares me to think of parking a car here because of my enemies probably poised to tamper with it in one way or another.

What a mess my life is in. Plus I gained more weight.

Oh, that reminds me I've lost my onions. I cannot find them for love or money. I wanted to have a sandwich earlier with onions and I can't find them anywhere in here. How does something like that even happen.

Sorry, i wrote too much. It's 10:14am here and I still haven't slept since my nap yesterday afternoon.

[Angelique67]

Actually, about the car, I'm thinking it might be a good idea to stay at a motel the night after my appointment. So then I could avoid having to face the upwards stairs while I'm dealing with impaired vision from all the eye drops. I'll have to wait and see. The money for the room will suddenly escalate my moving project budget.