[splitlivez]

Hi guys

In July 2014, my dad passed away. It was one of those life events I could never wrap my head around, and I took really hard on myself. As a former addict, I made an ugly relapse which almost reached suicidal levels. I underwent psychiatric treatment, psychotherapy, addiction counselling, and I fought so hard to stand on my feet again.

Now I'm not undergoing any treatment, I'm sober since October 2015, zero debt, changed my career into a better one, have a healthy relationship with my wife and son. That sounds like good achievements, however, I noticed that ever since I started recovering, my emotions flatlined completely. I have zero interest in doing anything, I do everything just to play a long with life, whether to pay bills, to pay rent, to raise my kid, but deep inside I have zero feelings, whether positive or negative.

I started to become a really cold person inside. I've stopped all enjoyable activities that I used to do, but when I tried doing them again, I felt nothing at all. I'm writing this only because one thing is worrying me. It's that I'm starting to like it.

Please tell me what you think

Cheers

[gayleggg]

Maybe you should think about getting back into treatment to help you get in touch with your feelings again. It's worth a try. Sounds like you have come a long way. Congratulations on your recovery.

[shamon86]

Hi splitlivez, I can relate to what you're saying. My mom passed in 2007 which only worsened my already growing depression. I've only just started to realize that I feel numb majority of the time with the exception of the crippling sadness that comes with this diagnosis. I think sometimes it's hard to let go of that depression when it's the only thing you feel.
Are you still going to therapy? Maybe it's something your therapist can help with.

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[DayAtATime1]

I've been going thru a bout of severe depression for last 4 years, and struggle with Anhedonia too. After years of near zero interest in things, I have to force myself to do things. My wife is good at pushing me (gently) to do things. I find that sometimes I actually get into the moment and actually enjoy it. I am on a new AD medication, so maybe it's helping somewhat. I guess my best advice is "fake it until you make it". Hang in there...

[splitlivez]

Thanks guys for your responses. No I don't go for therapy anymore, because I did it for years and learnt all the skills taught in these CBT sessions which I apply intensively in my life until now. I refuse to take antidepressants becausr they have always pushed me at one point back to drugs. I have a full life, I hang out, work, connect with others, but I just do them for the hell of it. I stopped feeling so many things even the depression itself, I don't wake up feeling blue nowadays (which I guess it should be a blessing), but I carry with me the poker face everywhere