[TrappedAndDesperate]

Can it ever be rational to decide that life is not worth the trouble, simply because experience (dysthymia/depression for the past 30 years) has shown that you're incapable of happiness?

I'm sure I wouldn't miss anything worthwhile if I ended it now, and would in fact spare myself a lot of further misery and loneliness.

But I do have a beloved brother who'd be devastated, and who'd have to make the arrangements and dispose of my belongings if I were dead.

Well, for now, I'll read lots of posts on PsychCentral to see that other people have it worse than me; I'll volunteer to work in a soup kitchen to be useful; I'll try to keep my job; I'll try not to think; and I'll adopt a cat for company.

But for myself, I would really prefer to end it now, and I do think it'd be a rational decision to do so. I can't promise I won't be selfish at some point.

[Skeezyks]

Hello TrappedandDesparate: For what it's worth, the Skeezyks feels likewise...

[Fizzyo]

Hi TrappedandDesperate,

For me it is what other people need that keeps me going too. I'm also tempted to be selfish.

For now ......some people rely on me.

[Fuzzybear]

[DayAtATime1]

I've been dealing with depression for over 30 years too, so I know how you feel. I tried "exiting" this planet several times, but somehow I'm still here. I know if I were offered a pill that would end it all, I'd take it most days. But then there's this shred of hope that somehow I'll get better, so I go on...

[feeshee]

I understand how you feel. Hugs.

[Yours_Truly]

I know exactly how you feel, except I don't even believe the only 4 people in the entire world who would miss me would even be that devastated.

Dear Trapped,
Felt the same way when I made my attempt last year. My thoughts included, I've lived a wonderful, full life but the future is bleak because of (lots of stuff: not having saved for retirement, dead end job, not able to help children in the way I would have liked, etc.); also, no friends, disconnected from family, and there's more. However, now I am grateful I am saved despite most of the things I despaired about still being in place. Sometimes there is nothing better than my first cup of coffee in the morning, sunshine, the meditative state I sometimes get during a walk, chocolate, etc. It might happen to you. I hope it happens to you. I think my medication and therapy helped me. Walking may have also played a role. I also stopped taking xanax and drinking alcohol. These were the things that helped me. Has your depressive period been for 30 years straight? Or have you swung in and out of it. I'm sorry you have experienced so many dark times
Sincerely, Myst

[Sula B]

I too have experienced long term depression and ongoing SI.

Your description really does encapsulate the feelings that I experience, like you, every day that I push forward, trying to find hope in small things and in the few people who I know love me and rely on me.

I have said in another post, one of the things that has prevented me from attempting is that I am absolutely certain that I would succeed.

I also said in the star sign post that "I AM a Virgo" and perfectionism is one of the traits that I definitely possess and this is not a good combination with experiencing SI and severe depression. The fear of success is often the thing that stops me.

I think sometimes you just have to get through the daily rituals and live another day and maybe tomorrow will be better even for the smallest of reasons.

Get that cat, I find my little dogs definitely help -they make me smile and also I always think, "who would feed them their special meals" as they are old and toothless and arthritic.