Rant (Possible Trigger)

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm in between therapists, so I'm trying to make it through probably this whole month without anyone. I was doing really well with hiding how bad my depression has gotten, then for a while I couldn't turn it off, and now my mask is slipping. Everyone else is starting to see just how screwed up I am, and I don't want them to. I'm so scared of how far I've fallen these days. I rarely SH anymore, but I think about it almost daily. I spend my weekends high on whatever drugs I can get, even ones I know I shouldn't be doing. But it will never work. I just don't know what to do anymore. I wish I could just give up.

Hugs, I understand completely...know that you are not alone. I hope your able to find a new T soon and that things turn around for you, it does get better but it so hard to see when we are dealing with severe depression, keep on posting and letting some of those feelings out

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Thanks for replying. I did meet with a new T the week before last, it's just been a struggle to get me in this month for a second session since she's pretty booked up. I don't think I've ever been this bad before. I can usually hide my feelings, but now I can't. I'm struggling at work too, and that's never been a problem before.

I feel like the worst kind of person. I left work early today, just couldn't take it anymore. I can see the irrationality of my thoughts today, I just can't accept it. I feel like I'm completely f'ing up at work, but really I only made 2 small mistakes. And one of them I'd been doing right for like 3 months, and only messed up once. But the mistakes are there, and I've never had to worry about work before. It just makes me realize how bad my depression has gotten this time.

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I hate that my depression interferes with my work. I feel slow and muddy-headed and I don't like that at all. And I also have a hard time forgiving myself for the littlest mistakes. Ugh.

PsychNitrous do you have a someone you can at least talk to? Close friend or family member? How is your support system? I send ((HUGS)) because I know that it is difficult, but hang in there!! Do you have coping strategies that you can use to help?

Thanks. I live with my boyfriend who is super supportive, he keeps me from using my bad coping skills. Other than him, I haven't been very open with my family about what's going on because I don't want them to worry. I don't have great coping skills, but I know what should help, and I try to use them when I can.

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(((HUGS)))

Thats great!!
That helps when a partner is "in" the loop and can be supportive. It really can help you refocus your thoughts . . . . . . Not everyday is great, but its nice when you have someone that can make your day a little brighter and lift you up. I am fortunate as well to have that in my husband.

It is very helpful to have him around. We were living seperately until my depression started getting worse, then he started staying over most nights, and after a few weeks just decided to pretty much move in. It's good, because like I said I can't use my bad coping skills with him around, and I only get a few hours in the morning without him in the apartment. He's been spending a lot of time now paying attention to how I'm feeling and what things are different, trying to find things that make me feel worse or better so he can help make changes.

At least you have him! And you are safe! That's exactly what you need right now

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It is what I need.

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Utilize those positive coping skills, and even try some new ones involving your significant other

We found another coping skill that works well over the weekend, and we've had some good conversation about it lately.

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Maybe you should post some of your ideas here. You may just help another or get more ideas for yourself.

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Awesome!!! If you ever feel like sharing what works for you, I know I love hearing from others! I am always trying to find "new" ways helping either myself or my hubby . . . . . I usually am more anxious with occasional bouts of depression, my hubby deals with his depression all the time. We help each other - like you mentioned your significant other paying attention to you . . . .
Communication is so important - so kudos to the both of you

One of the easiest ways he helps me is just to hold me while I cry. We've finally gotten to a point where he understands that I let things build up, and just need to let it all out sometimes. Lately we've been trying to keep the apartment as relaxing as we can. Burning incense at night is a good one.

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Thank you so much for sharing PsychNitrous!! I was thinking about looking into essential oils - . . . . Great idea with the incense!!!

I like to use essential oils as well. I found a diy on pintrest for shower bombs using baking powder, oils, and water. My favorite is lavender, but I also do rosemary and peppermint together.

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I'm retired now, but when I would be sad at work I would say affirmations to myself in the restroom while looking in the mirror. It was like a pep talk to myself which calmed me and boosted my spirit. It helped alot.

I've never really tried affirmations before, but I've always been told they can help. Right now doing so is difficult, I've had some pretty bad depersonalization lately. I can't really look at myself in a mirror.

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I will have to go on pintrest and try that as well!!

I know the feeling. I'm usually pretty good at hiding it too, but I have also been having a lot of trouble lately. I'm sorry things are hard for you right now. Know that there are people here to support you and help you through this.