An angsty rant

I'm not sure what I hope to gain by posting, except maybe that someone will reflect something back at me and I'll see the reflected image better than it's source. You know, understand something.

So I'm an almost 59 yr old guy. I just ran to the gas station for a donut and a mountain dew and it's 1:45 AM here. I'm up for work at 6 AM. Those details right there are evidence of a pretty misguided plan. The full misguided plan:

-Minor health issues (Asthma well controlled, orthopedic stuff)
-Major financial problems (I can't even)
-Poor health habits (poor sleep, poor diet, poor coping, good exercise habits)
-Major social problems affecting friendships (none) romance (actually OK now but a lingering source of regret and sadness from the past, work, and family)
-Overwhelmed at a pretty poorly paid job
-I frequently ruminate many hours per day about all of the above, but mostly my poor social and coping skills and to some extent concerns about my appearance, which together cause or support everything else.

I just don't do the things that might help me. It's like a very low level sort of self destruction. I don't hate myself, but I do hate some of my tendencies and traits, particularly the ones that isolate me. While it's collectively daunting, I know what might help in all the areas I listed and I want for "me" to do well, but I feel hopeless/helpless to effect any real change. Helpless is a lifelong feeling; hopeless has been a blessing of age.

I can't afford therapy right now, and meds tend to reek havoc with my 59 yr old sexuality.

So I feel thoroughly stucked, and f***ed. If anyone has any words at all I'll read them and perhaps argue against their usefulness. Can't promise more.

I guess from what I see - as a positive here - you know what is troublesome and what is bothering you - acknowledging those things is a great first step. . . . . . . I would pick one thing and work on it by making small changes. Seems easy, but its not . . . . takes practice and focus, BUT it can be done . . . . I'm still chipping away at my issues, but there is progress and that keeps me motivated and moving on! Good Luck and keep us posted!! : )

I know that, when you have depression, you have to reach a certain "level" of okay-ness before you can start to improve...

You mention exercise and that is you helping yourself...

I agree that depression is isolating...Is there someone in your life that is open to helping you be more accountable for those things which you are wanting to change?

Your comment about self destruction is interesting. You're aware of what you are doing, and what you "should" be doing differently. You've posted this in the Depression forum, so I'm guessing that's the root of the problem.
When I am very depressed, I can't help myself. I simply can't. I know, in my rational mind, what I "should" do, but I have no motivation/ability/will to do them. I agree with sophiesmom that you have to get to a level of being okay before we can really work on improving.
If that means upping my meds, I do it. You mentioned your sexuality is affected by medication. I understand that. Mine is too, but as I'm female, it's obviously quite different!
Could not wanting to be on medication, when it might be the answer, be another self-destructive behaviour?
Feel free to argue and have another angsty rant!
Hugs

What is eating at me right now is watching the pile of things I need to work on grow while i try to get to that level of okay-ness where I can make some actual progress. "The pile" becomes one more thing I can ruminate about. None of which changes the correctness of your comments. One step at a time and when I'm able to take a step.

Thanks. You too Fuzzybear.

I put it in the Depression forum after some thought. It's probably more accurate to say that I have frequent bouts of depressed moods due to anxiety and poor choices I make in response to it. I was anxious before I was ever depressed or even particularly blue. And if I did all the things I listed in my OP, basically dealing with symptoms, I'd be in a position to work through my anxiety better, if that makes sense. That list is the the part of the iceberg that's apparent. The long term issues are beneath the surface.

My reluctance to use medication possibly being self destructive is an interesting point. I'll have to ponder that.

Thanks for responding.