[Humpty Dumpty]

I've got a couple of things on my mind. I'm not exactly sure how to put it into words, but I will try to have it make sense & not turn out to be a novel.

1.) My grandfather is in the hospital. He was rushed there late Tuesday night & put on life support. (He is just as much a grandfather to my wife as he is to me. My family doesn't treat my wife as an "in-law". She is treated as one of the family.) He has made some improvement but he is still on life support & we're afraid he won't recover. My wife told me today that she's afraid she will go to our grandfather's funeral & have to bury me. She is well aware that I struggle with SI, & neither one of us is sure how well I will be able to handle my grandfather's death. Yet that's something else that bothers me. He has 3 kids that will all be sad not to mention his wife of over 60 years. So why should I get so torn up over this? When she told me that she's afraid of burying me I didn't really have anything to say. I couldn't tell her don't worry I won't kill myself because I don't know what I'll do.

2.) She also said that she understands why I don't go to a Dr & get medication, although that doesn't change the fact that she wants me to. She knows I want to get better but it is very difficult. If I didn't want to get better she said that she wouldn't want to stay with me, because of the toll it takes on her. On one hand I want her to leave. In fact I've told her as much before. She is the main reason I don't kill myself. If she left that would make things easier. I would have nothing left holding me back. I don't really understand why she is staying with me. What's the difference in not wanting to get better and not being able to? With my issues I just don't ever see myself being able to go to a Dr for this. So why should she continue to be miserable just because I am? Maybe I should just get it over with. Much like pulling off a bandaid the longer you take to pull it off the more it hurts. Yes if you just yank it off quickly it hurts but the pain quickly subsides. Yes if I kill myself it will hurt her but she can eventually move on & no longer be burdened by me.

Dear Humpty Dumpty,
I'm sorry you're struggling with so much. My medication has helped immensely in stabilizing me so that I can see things more clearly. The right medication can stop SI. My doctors visits to the psychiatrist only last for 15 minutes. I know how hard it is for you to go to the doctor. I've read all about the traumatic, terrible treatment you have received. However, a good spouse is hard to find and she will be traumatized if you make an attempt. When we have SI, it is sometimes quite irrational and must sometimes be a "chemical" thing. Having experienced a lot of SI, it is that way for me.
I know you are against doctors but I think your spouse is right about you going to the doctor. I hope you can find the courage. You seem like a caring person and deserve to be happier.
Sincerely, Myst

Have you ever tried seeing a therapist? Not linked to a doctor at all... I just wondered if being able to talk through this stuff might help. Might give you enough support to get through this

[Fuzzybear]

[hopeless2015]

Hugs....I agree you might try a therapist and see if it is of any help to get some of this off your chest they may have suggestions and coping skills they can recommend, and keep posting here it helps to

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[Humpty Dumpty]

I have tried seeing a therapist before. In fact I've tried several. I've gone through just about all of them in my city. They don't listen to me & I can't trust them and tell them how I really feel for fear that they might call the cops & have me forcibly committed.

[Humpty Dumpty]

And I was just informed that my grandfather isn't doing well. He still can't breath on his own.
I can't take this. I don't know what to do.