[Kodi]

I guess I’m posting on here because I’m not sure what else to do right now and who to turn to for advice. I was diagnosed (again) yesterday with severe clinical depression. I’ve known it was coming on for a while now but the last 2 weeks have been awful and this week the uncontrollable crying began and just wouldn’t stop. My doc has prescribed Lexapro and now the journey to get better begins. This is not my first episode with depression. I have had several run-ins with it since I was 15. This time is different though. Before I had major life events to blame it on ... divorce, major financial troubles, bad relationships, traumatic family events, etc. I have nothing to blame it on this time. My life has never been better. My husband is wonderful, finances are secure … I’m having a hard time with why this has happened now. Currently, I’m trying to work through what changes I need to make in my life to recover from this … and stay recovered. It’s overwhelming to try to make these huge life decisions when I know my thinking is not quite clear at this time. I’m looking for advice & opinions as much as support. So here it is ...

I’m 35 yrs old and, after being a divorced single mother for 10 years, I married the most wonderful man almost 2 years ago. He is truly my best friend and has become a great father to my 14 yr. old daughter. Unfortunately, 6 months after our marriage, his job started requiring a lot of travel – he’s usually gone for 2-3 weeks and only home for 3-4 days. It’s hard to explain in just a few words but the short of it is that the travel is likely to continue on for an unknown period of time. We also bought a house just a couple of months after his travel started and it’s been hard to keep things running here without him. Soon after that I changed jobs after 13 years with the same company and began working from home … I thought this would make things easier for us but I’m not happy with my new job for a bunch of reasons. There is a lot of stress involved and it requires a lot of self-discipline that I just can’t seem to find right now. Maybe it’s me and maybe it’s the depression … right now I’m not sure which.

Under our present circumstances, my husband has given me the option to quit working for a little while – at least 6 months to a year – while I get better and get back on track. As long as he continues to travel, his income will more than cover our obligations and needs without having to make significant sacrifices. It sounds like the decision should be easy enough but I’m scared - I feel:

1-guilt of him carrying the finances
2-worry over what his family will think (my family would not be an issue)
3-fear of the depression becoming worse … me not sticking to a goal plan/schedule
4-fear that there will be enough money to cover unexpected major expenses
5-worry that his travel will stop and the lack of extra income will create a financial hardship

I’m also worried about how to terminate my employment. I know I could claim FMLA and get 12 weeks but I really do not want to do this. I work for a small company now and I do not want to tie up a position for them not to mention that I have no doubt that they would find a reason to let me go as soon as they legally could. I feel really guilty about leaving this job because it was an opportunity that I had wanted for a long time and I really feel like I have let them (and myself) down …BUT I’m also not happy with what I’m doing so now I really don’t know what I want to do with the rest of my life.

1- Do I tell them about that the depression diagnosis is why I’m leaving and hope they understand?

2- Should I not care & just claim personal/family reasons and give no further detail no matter how confused it leaves them or if it burns that bridge? … I’ve only worked for them for 9 months

The tentative plan is to take the 6 months to just get better and healthy again and think about what would be a good career for me. I hate the field that I am in and I want something that will give me some enjoyment instead of it being the only thing that I know how to do. Then, if I’m up to it, start back to school to learn something new.

Am I being absolutely stupid and over-analyzing this? Please send me thoughts, advice & opinions.

[bipolar_bear]

Decisions that effect your personal and business life are so hard to make. There are so many factors and decisions that will have repercussions on the other. It sounds like you are thinking them through and prioritizing what is most important to you. I am glad you are doing that rather than making a spur of the moment decision. I am sorry that I can't tell you what is best for you and your family. I know that you will come up with that decision on your own. My best of luck to you. Take care.

BB

[Irine]

you say that your depressions had no reason this time?
so what about that occupation issue?
maybe it IS because you are unhappy with what you are doing? have stress? you are so worried and i see that it can be the reason for depression....
and maybe you miss your husband?

i don`t know what to tell you about the question whether to leave the job or not. sorry. never had a real work in my lie. i am just a student...

why are you feeling guitly for leavng it?

[sabby]

Kodi, I'm so sorry you are going through this right now. Lets try to take this one step at a time ok? Trying to make all these decisions at once is overwhelming on a good day, never mind when you are feeling low.

1. Guilt over him carrying the finances - That's what a relationship is all about....at times it seems one does more than the other in certain situations. As long as you are doing what you need to do to recover, then it's all worth it in my opinion. When you get back on your feet, then you can go back to work and help with the finances. One hand washes the other so to speak.

2. Worrying about what his family will think - Talk to your husband about this issue. Get his take on how they will perceive you not working. If he thinks they will not be happy with it (not that its any of their business, but I know how families are), is he willing to stand up to them and tell them to back off?? Is he willing to be your strength when you are weak??

3. Fear of the depression becoming worse - This fear can stop you dead in your tracks unless you make a good plan for therapy and medications. Is there a family member or good friend that can help you to keep appointments? Someone who could be your support system when you are having difficulties?

4. Fear of not covering unexpected major expenses - No matter how much money one can make, that is always in the back of our minds. I think in this instance, you may be looking for reasons not to do what needs to be done for YOUR health. There is always a way to get through difficult expenses....lets not borrow trouble right now If something comes up, you and your husband will deal with it then.

5. Worry that his travel will stop - Another situation as the first. While they are definitely good to think about and possibly plan for, the fear of them should not interfere with you receiving the care you deserve to receive.

As far as the FMLA goes, give it a try. You do not need to tell your employer your diagnosis. A letter from your pcp stating at this time that you should take time off from work is all you really need. It does not need to go into detail. While the FMLA will guarentee you will have a job at the end of 12 weeks, in most states, the employer can hire someone to do your specific job either as a permanent or temporary employee. But, when you are ready to come back, they have to offer you a job of some sort and of equal pay I believe.

Why not take the FMLA 12 weeks and see how you feel then? Trying to decide how things will be in 3 months is impossible. Maybe by then you will be able to return to work, maybe you won't....but decide then, not now.

I understand that none of this should be looked at lightly, but I think maybe your depression and fear are interfering with your logical thinking just a bit. Communication with your husband is vital so that you understand where he stands and vice versa.

The most important thing is that you take care of YOU so that you can continue to care for your family in the future. As far as wondering why you are going through this depression now while your life seems to be going well, it may be from a chemical imbalance in your brain....you have no control over that happening. Please don't kick yourself when you are down hon.....things will work out....they always do!

I wish you well and send you healing thoughts and strength as you work through your issues.

Hugsss
J

And by the way Welcome to PC! I'm glad you found us and hope you find the support and friendship here that you are looking for!

[Kodi]

Thank you all for taking the time to listen and respond. The encouragement is much appreciated and the different perspectives are exactly what I needed.

I guess because the issues I’ve dealt with in the past year are seemingly minor compared to those that have preceded my other depression episodes, I have discounted them altogether. I do miss my husband terribly. It’s awful to finally find that best friend and life partner and never be able to spend any time together. The doc did explain the chemical imbalance part (which I already knew) but I still wanted something to blame. Everyday life (job stress, etc.) just didn’t seem to be enough … for me right now, apparently it is. I just need to accept that and move onto the solution & recovery.

J, you are right about the relationship. I finally have a partner who truly understands and sharing the burdens and bumps in life. I’ve worked ever since I was 14 because I never had a choice. I guess some of the guilt could also be my pride getting in the way. I would absolutely have my husbands support with his family. His father was really my biggest concern. He’s a great guy but has a very strict work ethic. I love & respect my father-in-law a lot. Right now I have his respect and don’t want to lose that because of what I’m going through. I guess I’m afraid he’ll see me as being lazy if I don’t work for a little while. But you are right – if my husband is not worried about it (and he isn’t) then I should do what’s best for us and we’ll deal with that if it happens.

I do have family close by that I can lean on. It will be my responsibility for meds but I am close enough to my mother, father and niece that I think I could rely on them to put me on the spot if I start sinking lower. I also have a one friend that has dealt with depression & bipolar disorder. He’s away at state patrolman school during the week right now but I talked to him last night and I know he’ll be checking on me every weekend now.

My doc wants me to get more exercise and improve my diet and I’ve been doing a lot of reading these last couple of days about short & long term goal setting when dealing with depression. I’d definitely have to set a schedule and daily goals for myself and I also thought about maybe a little volunteer work – PTO stuff at my daughter’s school or the local humane society… something to motivate me out of the house.

I’ll give the FMLA a little more thought & consideration. At my previous company I wouldn’t have given it much thought because I was just one of over 1000 employees … now I’m one of 20. I’m sure my embarrassment over my situation also has little to do with my reluctance there. I know that my logic is not where it needs to be. I called in with a sick headache Thursday and told them I was going to the doc. Yesterday, I was so scared to sign onto work that my heart was pounding. My concentration level and memory are very poor right now and I feel like a stammering idiot every time I have to talk to them on the phone. They know nothing about what’s going on yet but I’m so paranoid about being put on the spot about my work performance before I’ve figured out what I’m going to do.

I’m spending some more time with our finances this weekend. Hopefully my husband will be home Tuesday or Wednesday and we can finalize what direction we’re going to take. I hate this limbo I’m in right now and just want to get things moving in whatever direction we’re going in…

Thanks again for all your kinds words and advice. It’s nice to know that I have somewhere to go that people really understand how hard this is to deal with. I cannot express how much that means right now.

Good luck to all of you in whatever you may be dealing with in your lives.

[Soidhonia]

Hello Kodi and welcome to Psych Central. I also had many change to make when I got Diagnosed with a disorder as well related to depression. The thing that helped me the most was a supportve mental health team/therapist that led me in the right direction in which decision would be the best considering the diagnostic realties of having to make the best desisions wth a depressive disorder.A professional therapeutic team can help you tremendously at this time, as well as giving the guidence and encouragement you need to make the best and most appropriate decision for you life at this time with so many decisions needind to be made at the same time . I hope things get better with you soon, and some of the burden is lifted soon so you can feel better. Take care of yourself. Soidhonia

[DePressMe]

Hi Kodi, I can relate to your struggles with depression and feeling like it comes on for no reason, but it does seem like you have a lot going on in your life…

I am in favor of the goal setting!!! I set goals with my therapist all the time. It really helps me to know what I am working towards. I also do something similar—I envision who I want to be and how I want to be living my life a year or 5 years from now. Then I take a look at what I need to do to make that happen. Just the process of envisioning the person I want to be helps me. Sometimes, I find that I am closer to that person and life situation than I realize.

Oh, and if I am trying to decide what to do—I am a big fan of pro-con lists.

Welcome to PC!

[stefano]

Uhm, the situation is quite complicate, and I will not try to give advice, because I don't have the necessary experience (despite I'm your same age).
I'll just point out one thing that rings a bell in my mind. Despite your husband's idea that you quit work until you get back on track may sound reasonable, you should keep in mind that depression is an unknown and UNPREDICTABLE DISEASE. What if you don't get well in 6 -12 months as expected? What if you get WORSE?
The financial burden would be on him more and more, and that would make you feel guilty. His family would cry out at your lazyness and he may deplete his patience. Moreover, if you quit working, it will be even harder to start again, unless yu recover, but recovery is not guaranteed.
My suggestion is that you keep working if only you can. You should only quit if you get seriously impaired, but it doesn't seem to me the case (don't want to belittle your suffering, believe me).
It seems to me that whatever therapy you may be doing, working will not be an obstacle. If you quit job you'll be in hurry to heal, and hurry doesn't help... well, I suppose my point is clear.

The best of luck

[sabby]

((((((((((((((((((( Kodi )))))))))))))))))))))

I'm glad you are able to put some good thought into your situation. Some other folks gave some great ideas and support here and I see you are open and wiling to trying things out. That's a wonderful sign that you can work through this the way that is right for you. I'm also glad you have the support of a loving husband, family and friends. You will definitely need them in your quest.

We're with you here at PC. Feel free to post whenever you need or want to. Keep the communication open and you will find wonderful support here Best of luck to you!



Hugsss
sabby