[little turtle]

I was just thinking this morning...this mental illness thing is terrible...and I haven't had it as bad as some...thank goodness there is help out there...I feel so bad for the people that are suffering all alone...they don't know that there are so many others in the same boat...

[elevatedsoul]

[dexter]

It's as bad as any illness, then it's worse because of the stigma attached (and the fact that it is nearly impossible for someone who does not suffer to understand), and then in the case of MI's like depression it's even a million times worse because the nature of the illness itself prevents us from seeing hope and therefore prevents us from seeking help.

This time around I have many supportive friends and coworkers yet I still feel I am suffering this alone, partly because I am physically alone, partly because people don't understand, and then I know a lot of it is my brain capitalizing on the first two and not letting in any light. Very hard to detangle what's real and what's lies, but the fact that I know some of it is real is very harmful. I am alone.

[little turtle]

Originally Posted by elevatedsoul

thanks soul....I am now one of the gang here...even tho I am a doctor...we can have a mental illness ...and we kill ourselves also....it is so sad that people kill themselves....please speak up when it is terrible...it can change

[Ocean Swimmer]

Depression sucks. I do try any distractions to keep it from getting worse.

[little turtle]

Originally Posted by dexter

It's as bad as any illness, then it's worse because of the stigma attached (and the fact that it is nearly impossible for someone who does not suffer to understand), and then in the case of MI's like depression it's even a million times worse because the nature of the illness itself prevents us from seeing hope and therefore prevents us from seeking help.

This time around I have many supportive friends and coworkers yet I still feel I am suffering this alone, partly because I am physically alone, partly because people don't understand, and then I know a lot of it is my brain capitalizing on the first two and not letting in any light. Very hard to detangle what's real and what's lies, but the fact that I know some of it is real is very harmful. I am alone.

maybe you and I are in the same boat...people do not understand unless they have been nearby or there....but part of the problem I have is shame...there are some things I don't want to tell...because I am ashamed of what happened and how I was behaving...I am the one that brings the most stigma on my own head....because I think I am just a weeny....I am not confident at all...

example----I took social security disability for 4 years while disabled....but I could have worked at something..like driving a truck..i didn't do that..

[dexter]

Originally Posted by little turtle

maybe you and I are in the same boat...people do not understand unless they have been nearby or there....but part of the problem I have is shame...there are some things I don't want to tell...because I am ashamed of what happened and how I was behaving...I am the one that brings the most stigma on my own head....because I think I am just a weeny....I am not confident at all...

I do share some feelings... I'm heading out to my T appt now but will try to remember to come back here to elaborate when I am home. In the meantime hope a hug helps {{{little turtle}}}

[little turtle]

Originally Posted by dexter

I do share some feelings... I'm heading out to my T appt now but will try to remember to come back here to elaborate when I am home. In the meantime hope a hug helps {{{little turtle}}}

dexter thanks....I was referring to my own problem of not being honest with myself...I think I need to confess to myself...not to most others...most don't get it...I don't even get it...and I should ...because I am a doctor...I should know this about depression...but I don't....and maybe most people don't get it...maybe most doctors don't get it

[IrisBloom]

Turtle, you are as human as the rest of us, no matter your title.

I was surprised to find many of my family and friends had personal experience with depression when I had no choice but to reach out for help. I also found my last 2 employers were sympathetic to me even though they had not had experience with MI. I know I was lucky there. I was not stigmatized or treated any differently after I told them about my affliction. I had even told the one that I was suicidal and he said I'd have my job back when I felt ready to return. (It's possible he didn't know what "suicidal meant)
In short, I found support and understanding where I never expected to. You can't tell by looking at a person if they have MI. But you can tell by how they treat you if you can ask them for help.

[little turtle]

Originally Posted by IrisBloom

Turtle, you are as human as the rest of us, no matter your title.

I was surprised to find many of my family and friends had personal experience with depression when I had no choice but to reach out for help. I also found my last 2 employers were sympathetic to me even though they had not had experience with MI. I know I was lucky there. I was not stigmatized or treated any differently after I told them about my affliction. I had even told the one that I was suicidal and he said I'd have my job back when I felt ready to return. (It's possible he didn't know what "suicidal meant)
In short, I found support and understanding where I never expected to. You can't tell by looking at a person if they have MI. But you can tell by how they treat you if you can ask them for help.

irisbloom you are lovely...I think my big problem was/is not being able to ask for help....I am very afraid of people...I am afraid of what they will do to me...I was very afraid with my parents...I need help...I am asking for help here...I have a big problem with this doctor thing...I am so ashamed..

[elevatedsoul]

yes,,, anyone can have depression... and it can be many different levels..
alot of people dont realize how hard it is, and that we even suffer from this sometimes... which can seem make itharder....
but we're here for each other... you are so strong doing what you can while fighitng depression, stay strong ...

[little turtle]

Originally Posted by elevatedsoul

yes,,, anyone can have depression... and it can be many different levels..
alot of people dont realize how hard it is, and that we even suffer from this sometimes... which can seem make itharder....
but we're here for each other... you are so strong doing what you can while fighitng depression, stay strong ...

thanks soul....I hope we all can help each other even more without hurting..

[little turtle]

why am I always running myself down...I do this to me...I have a mental illness thing that keeps showing up...how do you diagnose this kind of stuff....how can you handle it

just after posting this I had an angry fit and threw my walking stick down the township road..i have a lot of anger that has been bottled up for a long time..

[IrisBloom]

Don't be throwing your stick, now.

I think a lot of us on this forum are not who or where we thought we'd be at our stage of life. I could (and might) write a book. Would you be beating yourself up if you had any other disease or dysfunction? Probably not. I'm 57, been married and divorced twice, have 4 kids who can't help me for various reasons. I'm not independent and really never have been. I really try to appreciate what I do have rather than bemoan what I don't have, tho it's not easy. But, I've found that raging against my MI is fruitless. I know pretty much what led to my being the way I am. Some could have been changed, some not. All I have is NOW. I do not have all of the answers, all I have is what I know and what I can do for myself. I like me, warts and all.

Please let go of your anger and enjoy the rest of your life.

[elevatedsoul]

i do it too, self destructive behavior...
negative self talk...
its horrible, you start to feel ashamed because you feel you should be better than all this... you cant understand why its happening to you when you fight so hard to make things better and it just seems to get worse... you call yourself every name in the book and start to hate yourself... confusion sets in and you become conflicted...
more self destructive behavior... you start doing things you never done before, you feel ashamed of everything by now... out of control... no one understand what you are feeling... you feel like something is seriously wrong with you.... you have constant thoughts of death thinking it will be the only cure...
its a terrible experience... its something that you can't begin to understand unless you experience it... can sit here all day and try to explain the feelings.. the emotions.. the pain and anguish... but words can't capture the horrendous effects of such an illness... it is living in a different world... cant explain how hard you try and fight .... people think everyone feels these things...
i feel weak too... but i know i am strong... i know you are strong... you have to be strong to go through this... i know how it is not to have anyone in life understand what you are going through... the stigma is large in my family, we have alot of depression but people expect you to be fine... even though i try to tell them that i have severe MDD they dont get it, they think im just "sad" ---- i wish i was sad....

sorry you are going through it... dont feel bad like you are a failure, you are definitely not a failure, its not your fault we understand

edit:
sorry if my posts are getting confusing... im having a hard time... stay strong...

[EnglishDave]

Little Turtle, throwing is never the answer, whether it is through frustration or anger. It makes you feel negatively about yourself after the deed and the mind has calmed. You need to find a more peaceful and productive outlet for your anger. Try bottling it up during the day and releasing it in a Rant Thread here during the evening.

Dave.

[little turtle]

Originally Posted by EnglishDave

Little Turtle, throwing is never the answer, whether it is through frustration or anger. It makes you feel negatively about yourself after the deed and the mind has calmed. You need to find a more peaceful and productive outlet for your anger. Try bottling it up during the day and releasing it in a Rant Thread here during the evening.

Dave.

good idea dave...but it did feel very good throwing my stick down the road...

[EnglishDave]

Originally Posted by little turtle

good idea dave...but it did feel very good throwing my stick down the road...

At least chose your throwing object carefully. If I chucked my stick I would fall flat on my face - or the other end

Dave.

[little turtle]

you know I just discovered something...I have been feeling guilty about having a mental illness...interesting...I thought it must be something I did wrong....well that thinking is really screwed up...I got hit at first by the loss of a girlfriend...I didn't know what hit me...I wouldn't talk for two weeks...I couldn't talk...I was not guilty....I was not guilty....I did not cause my mental illness...I cant believe how I have been living with guilt all these years..

[rth1a1]

Turtle, I am an RN suffering from severe depression, alcoholism and benzo addiction. It is interesting working in an ER and seeing psychiatric patients. I listen to other RN's making comments about the patients which are just downright mean and uncalled for. I just listen to them and would just like to tell them that I have experienced this in the past but I feel it's just won't make a difference. Many tell me not to say a word for it could stigmatise me!! I do talk to many of the patients about my past and I find that the patients are relieved that someone understands them!!!

[little turtle]

Originally Posted by rth1a1

Turtle, I am an RN suffering from severe depression, alcoholism and benzo addiction. It is interesting working in an ER and seeing psychiatric patients. I listen to other RN's making comments about the patients which are just downright mean and uncalled for. I just listen to them and would just like to tell them that I have experienced this in the past but I feel it's just won't make a difference. Many tell me not to say a word for it could stigmatise me!! I do talk to many of the patients about my past and I find that the patients are relieved that someone understands them!!!

I love nurses....especially nurses with mental health problems...I am a doctor who has a mental illness....I am a psychiatrist with a mental illness...I have had trouble for a very long time with depression and panic...I love getting together with others and being honest and truthful...I am a psychiatric patient...I no longer want to be a fake...I am glad you are talking to me....hows life for you

[Fuzzybear]

[little turtle]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

fuzzy---what happened to the nurse...i worry

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

Fuzzy; you is cool!

Good day elevatedsoul: No your post(s) are not confusing. It's just one of those days. Personally from what I've read from your other posts you are on my A list.

I had a scheduled therapy appt. today at the VA. The therapist was out sick as I found out AFTER I returned home. They want me to call 24 hrs in advance to cancel and if I don't they send a nasty letter. Okay for them to follow a different set of rules than what they set for the vets. Sort of like life in general.

Actually, I was glad. I'm fed up with explaining myself. I'm fed up with analyzing every thought and action. Despite what the 'professionals' say about having a sense of hopelessness it has been a companion for many years now. Just like failure. Both seem to keep me going as odd as that sounds. Everybody says how smart I am. It shows doesn't it? Nothing to show for it except for the knowledge I have that others scoff at or wonder what "good is it". Oh, and living off the state(SSDI). They tell me to go out and be sociable. Huh! When I was in my youth it was easy to make friends. Now I'm 59 tired and fed up with seeing the lies, deceit, manipulation and demands made on me as a man. Every time I go out my anxiety and B/P skyrockets. My parents are gone now. They apparently were aware of the struggles but showed very little concern except for the occasional 'did you pray about it"? Sure, sure. I know where a lot of my depression comes from and thought I rooted it out. Many of those thoughts are gone but, alas I'm still depressed.

I'm waiting, just waiting.