I am only here because they need me to be.

I am a 47 year-old father of two great kids. About a year and half ago I caught my wife of nearly two decades being unfaithful. She had videos of her lover enjoying himself stored on her smartphone. Some of the videos were shot in our home where we lived with our children. For whatever reason, she didn’t delete the videos after she made use of them. As it turns out, this affair took place over several months’ right under my nose. I knew the individual with whom she was with, he was around me and my family on several occasions. He would often drive her car to pick up my kids from school and run errands for her. He actually spent some holidays in our home with us. She and I had been having problems for a while but I certainly never expected this. I always felt that a deep and abiding love for our children would supersede everything else. I could not have been more wrong. I trusted her implicitly because I thought we had an understanding and why not? We had endured for 17 years, we had two wonderful children and we both came from solid family backgrounds. If trusting your spouse is a mistake, your spouse should ultimately bear the responsibility for it. I never cheated when we were married and I have always tried to be a good parent. I am only here because they need me to be.

After I discovered the infidelity I found myself in a very dark place and I am still trying to re-assemble my life. I lost control for an extended period and began reacting erratically toward everything and everybody. I more or less became a person that I have grown to fear and despise. I started drinking heavily, got tattoos (I had none prior), got into fights and neglected a job I truly enjoyed. There are large sections of time during that period for which I have no discernable memories. I can honestly say I don’t remember much of what occurred during those months and that might be a blessing in disguise. I do know that I was never physically or verbally abusive toward my two children. Throughout this entire series of events I have tried to keep their well-being at the very top of my priority list. My love for them has sustained and guided me throughout. I hope that one day they will realize how much I care for them. I am only here because they need me to be.

I found myself divorced and completely alone later that same year. Soon after, I lost my job and was subsequently arrested for DUI. The charge was later dropped due to lack of evidence. So began a steady financial decline. I took a new job which included a 40% cut in pay. I was fortunate enough to have a friend who took pity on me and placed me in a job over which he had governance. I struggle every day to make ends meet, I have lost weight because I have no desire to eat and I can just lower my living expenses by that much. Generally speaking, I have found that I do not enjoy life anymore. I am surviving and nothing more. My own well-being is of no consequence, ironically this provides a degree of solace for me. Every morning I look for a reason to get up and keep going. Each day starts with me remembering that my children are not responsible for the misdeeds of their parents and they deserve a decent life. I am only here because they need me to be.

I am a veteran suffering from PTSD. I have been diagnosed by three different licensed physicians as having a generalized anxiety disorder coupled with major depression. I have been in and out of counseling and treatment over the past 10 years. I do not consider myself to be part of any society, I am co-existing with other people but not engaged with them. I have no tolerance or patience for others and I am very quick to anger. I have tried to regain old relationships and obtain new ones to no avail. I have lost all faith in humanity and there is a prevailing sense of hopelessness at the center of all of my thoughts. I have considered suicide on several occasions, there are periods when these thoughts will enter my conscience multiple times a day. Occasionally I find it extremely difficult to fight off these inclinations. I no longer seek out professional help because I cannot afford to pay for it and it has proven largely ineffective for me in the past. Again, I refuse to abandon my children in their time of need. I am only here because they need me to be.

I was never taught to ask for pity or handouts, my parents encouraged me to strive for high standards of personal responsibility. Moreover, I understand that there are people in this world who have suffered far greater than I. I believe I should always keep that in the forefront of my thinking. I am only here because they need me to be.

As you go about your life this day and the next, I would ask that you pose a question for yourself. What will sustain you in the dark moments of this life? Put differently, what will keep you moving forward when all hope is lost? Those you hold dear are the only reason you are here. I am only here because they need me to be.

Hello BadMojo47: Welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

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Sorry to hear about your experiences. You have suffered a great deal. I don't have any advice to give you but I offer you my support.

I have a husband and daughter that I cherish very much. They are often the only people who keep me on this planet. In that circumstance I know how you feel. However, I also learned that I'm a good person outside of my family. They aren't my whole identity. Eventually my daughter will finish college and move out into her own life. I feel that I'm ready to make that transition, though I would miss her terribly.

For the past ten years, I have constantly struggled to make my way out of the rabbit hole. Now, I am a single mother to a young son. I've been battling this a lot longer than I've had him, but with him...I tell myself, "to the world, you are just one person. But to one person, you are the world." I am all that he has, so for him I fight for my life. I don't have any choice but to keep going.
I find myself fighting harder than I have in the past.

I shouldn't post this, but I hate this mode of thinking. Hate it hate it hate it. Maybe I'm really just a narcissist, but I hate being reminded I have no right to feel. That I'm evil for existing the way I do.

Nothing. I don't love anyone or care about anyone. No one needs me. In fact, most people would probably be better off if I was dead. I'm trying to get a narrative of spite, aggrandizement, and vengeance going on, something to propel me forward to do something worthwhile.

Honestly, living just out of duty sounds awful.

BadMojo-

What you wrote is so touching. My life circumstances are totally different from yours, but I can relate to the feelings. I'm struggling daily, also. Right now, the only thing keeping me going is my search for a reason to stick around. I hope you can start to dig out of the hole of depression and dismay. If nothing else, keep writing - you are very good at it!

I understand.
I had the same mantra..."I am only here because they need me to be".
I hope that there will be other reasons that you can add to this thought very soon. Occasionally I do.

you will heal and move on if you can release the negative energy...

I am trying, mostly unsuccessfully, to function in life after discovering my spouses years-long affair less than a year ago. I'm barely alive and probably about to lose my job. I was already severely depressed before I found out what happened. I don't know what I will do but I can completely relate to your struggles.

Tried to comment but didn't work? Anyway I'm in the same infidelity boat...I relate to your pain.

Hello HorseLover, thanks for responding. I am sorry you are dealing with this as well - I wouldn't wish this nightmare on another living soul, truly. That said, I think for my part each day I have to find that one thing that will keep me going. It can be something different every day. Whatever it turns out to be I hold on to it as if my life depended on it and I work it for all it is worth. It can be a song, an article, a book or a person I can talk to. Unfortunately my depression has evolved into a deep and penetrating anger that comes out on occasion. I go to the gym and pour that negative energy into a brutal workout to get the dopamine going. I can usually sleep better as a result.

My point, as long as I'm not hurting myself or others with some sort of abuse cycle, I do whatever I have to do to get through each day, sometimes it comes down to getting through the next hour. I think it's about managing the time I have to spend in this downturn until my situation improves. With each passing day I feel myself getting stronger and that propels me forward. Best wishes always.

I'm only staying alive for my elderly mom. Once she is gone, I can depart as well.

Hello Deeplyhurt, thanks for responding. I think its important for me to remember that everything is temporary and subject to change. I have given consideration to the same idea, that being what will I live for when my kids no longer need me as much as they do right now. I believe I will find another reason to stay on the planet in that event. Change is truly the only consistency in this life. Many of us who suffer from mental illness don't accept that very easily, we seek stability and an end to the chaos and strife. Life is just simply not that way and it never will be. It's messy and organic, very much like surfing. We ride one wave as far as it will go then jump on another one. My two sense.