[sabbathcat12]

Hello this is my first time posting and I don't know exactly how to begin. I am a 36 year old female, people say I look 25-26 I think I am having a nervous breakdown, I've struggled with depression and anxiety since I can remember but I was diagnosed at 20. I used to selfharm and I've attempted suicide lots of times and I have been on a psych ward three times. I had a stillborn baby 5 years ago and I am divorced. The death of my baby has taken an incredible toll on me, I no longer believe in god and I've been diagnosed with PTSD and I can't be around babies as a result I've lost a lot of friends since all of them started to have kids and they became uneasy because I haven't been really able to "get over it" I don't have ANY friends just a coworker who I consider my friend but she's leaving the country soon. I don't have anyone to talk to. I have a boyfriend but he constantly lies to me and I haven't been able to leave him because I love him and I am scared to be completely alone. He has been the first and only guy that is pretty much like me. We have or we used to have lots of things in common. And I hold on to that. I can't tell him how I feel, his ex girlfriend is this ray of sunshine always positive and I am so dark and broken. I feel like no one wants to be around me. I used to have two friends but they just used me and when I need them they're always busy so I stopped talking to them. My family has never really understood me, I live with my parents both elderly so I can't talk to them or rely on them anymore if something happens to me like if my car breaks down or I need a ride I can't call them. I feel so lost its hard for me to do anything at all. I've been crying all day and I feel I can't walk or swallow. I don't want I don't think I can kill myself because I'm scared I won't be able to see my daughter. There's nothing more I want that to be with her. I want to see her. I feel as if I don't exist anymore. I live in a country that is very close minded and i don't have anything in common with most people I listen to metal and 80's stuff and dress different from almost everyone here. I've never fitted in. I have been very lonely most of my life and I don't know anybody that has the same mental illness as me. People make fun of me and call me "dark and emo". In everyone's eyes including my family I have just one emotion: bitterness and anger. There's nothing more far from the truth; I am sad, I am alone, I need someone to listen to me or just give me a hug, I need someone to ask me how I am or to notice that I'm slipping away. Even one of my therapists told me once that he knew that eventually I would kill myself. I have been told that I am beautiful (I don't see myself like that) and that I am very smart. I don't feel that way, I feel ugly, fat and dumb... and old. Everyone seems to avoid me. I am a nice person and extremely empathetic. People even makes fun of me because I feed the stray dogs and cats I find. I can't seem to fit anywhere and if that hasn't happened by now it won't ever happen. Please help me, please I can't take it anymore and my parents see me crying and they never ask me what's wrong. I don't exist anymore and I am scared that if I kill myself they won't even notice. Please be kind. And I'm sorry if my English is not the best. Its not my first language.

[Soidhonia]

Hello It seems that you are so overwhelmed at this time. If you ever want to talk just Private Message after you have enough posts. Take care.

[Skeezyks]

Hello sabbathcat12: My condolences on the loss of your daughter. I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. Perhaps being here on PC can be of some comfort & support.

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

P.S. Your English was great!

[Unrigged64072835]

I'm sorry about the loss of your baby and your constant struggling. I can only hope that things will be better for you.

[Nammu]

((((((Sabbathcat))))))))

I have no words of wisdom just wanted to welcome you and offer a hug.

Your English is great, the therapist who told you that you would eventually kill yourself should have his office renovated by a good ol' American military/industrial drone strike and I can only hope that the trauma from the loss of your child and the years of subsequent isolation will pass and you can find peace without harming yourself. I would encourage you to emigrate if your parents weren't depending on you, and I have no idea how one might leave El Salvador and to what destination, so I'm no help there. Since you are so inclined to help others, would you find satisfaction in helping the poor? My best friend is a volunteer coordinator at the state's largest homeless shelter, and he finds his work extremely fulfilling, although he is paid dirt in one of the most expensive cities in the country.

[Sula B]

Hi Sabbathcat, I am so sorry to hear of your situation. You have been through a lot of trauma over an extended period of time and so it is not surprising you are experiencing these dark thoughts.

I know nothing about your country or the services that might be available but if you do have access to some counselling I think you need to start there. I think you need some grief counselling to help you to get through the grieving process in which you seem to be stuck and to be able to express your thoughts to someone who can point you in the right direction to find other help. I also think you may need to rethink your relationship as he doesn't sound like a very supportive partner and could be contributing to your negative thoughts. I am sure your parents love you and do care but perhaps their generation and/or culture prevents them from being able to respond to your needs. Can you talk to either of them or have any other family members you trust?

This place is a safe place to express yourself and have understanding others hear you without judgement so please keep posting as it may help you feel less alone.

You sound like a remarkable woman who has been managing in isolation for quite a while. The things you have so far managed to get through are intense and the fact you are still here is a testament to your inner strength.

And by the way, your English is fantastic.

Hello, sabbathcat12.



This is a very supportive community...glad you're here.

[HorseLover2016]

❤️❤️❤️❤️ To you
I am older than you and having my own nervous breakdown - so much for the age/wisdom thing!
I know you know the value of a good therapist or support group, if you can find them.
At the least keep reading/posting here,
You will see you are not alone in struggling. You have a lot of pain to work through, pls be gentle with yourself.
Take life minute by minute, hour by hour if you have to.

[Fuzzybear]

[Deeplyhurt77]

I'm new to this site also. It is so encouraging to hear I'm not the only one with similar problems. This is a great place for us "to share our voice". No judgment and tears can be healing.

[Hopeofreedom]

Hello my friend you are a beautiful soul😘💜.

Everything I was going to say others already did. But I just wanted you to know your NOT alone and we hear your pain. It's a hard thing losing a child and not something a loving mother can easily get over.

About your friends. Not many people are able to handle Strong emotion especially grief unless they've experience d it themselves. So your friends where just scared and didn't know how to help you so avoided the whole situation entirely. Not to mention societies unrealistic idea, that everyone should be happy all the time. Ugh. There's alot of deep people on here, who would love to HELP😊💖