[MtnTime2896]

I can be in so much emotional distress that I'm a hair trigger away from doing something stupid and still keep my mouth shut and help out the person crying in the corner. I can be having a great night with my fiance and manage to do something that upsets both of us. I can be in so much physical pain that I can barely stand it and I take an ibuprofen and call it good (even though it didn't help a damn bit). I can be told that I my cancer could've relapsed and still refuse to do a PET scan to see for sure. I can know I need to talk to a therapist about things going on with me and I never actually take the time to find a good one that works for me (instead, I "hit it and quit it"). I'm given medication and refuse to actually ever take it. On top of that, I get told I need surgery and then I find some excuse to put it on hold.
Why do I do this? Why do I refuse to take care of myself in any way?
Then my hypocritical *** tells everyone else to go take care of themselves because they need to. I'm the one who says "Talk to someone" or "Go get it checked out" etc.. I've taken all of my opportunities to be successful and thrown them all away along with both physical and mental health.
Why do I screw myself over all of the time?

Your depressed and treating it needs to be a priority. Your refusing to do a PET scan because of anxiety and/or depression. (If it's the anxiety speaking than your afraid of bad news; if it's the depression speaking then you have an unconscious or conscious death wish). You get upset because you're hurting inside but don't know how to express it. Obviously, all this is just my opinion.
There's no doubt that you have a kind spirit! You've got to make healing yourself a priority. You say that you have been given medication. Are you not taking it because you researched the side effects/risks and found it unacceptable? This is the only valid reason for not taking it. I find that I do better on medication but I understand the point of view of people who forgo medication. However, if you can afford it, please start looking for a good therapist. I think the one that I see periodically was able to lift me out of my despair. There are no guarantees other than if you don't take some time everyday to take care of yourself--it's not going to get better! I care about you. Please explore the therapist option and consider medication. Sincerely, Myst

[MtnTime2896]

That all makes a lot of sense. Certain medication I don't take because I've been on it and didn't like the side effects. I don't really want to go through getting that way again. The worst part is, right now, I agree with everything you said but I just...
I don't talk about what's wrong with me. I can write it almost any day of the week but the moment I have to actually sit down and talk with someone about it I just get silent. I don't speak to them, at all. I've had a therapist who I would ask a question here and there and they would talk to me. I guess that was always where I would decide to keep them or not. If I ever felt comfortable enough to talk, I would stick around a little longer and if not, well you can guess. At the end of the day I just feel like no one can help. Not doing the PET is probably both depression and anxiety, that's hard for me to explain, though.
I would say that I'll work to get a therapist but I don't want to lie to you. I might but there's a good chance that I won't. Thanks for replying, I really appreciate it.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

I don't talk about what's wrong with me. I can write it almost any day of the week but the moment I have to actually sit down and talk with someone about it I just get silent.

I and other people here have used our own writings, including our PC posts, to prepare statements or notes for therapists to read. Might you feel comfortable doing something like that?

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by Rohag

I and other people here have used our own writings, including our PC posts, to prepare statements or notes for therapists to read. Might you feel comfortable doing something like that?

Maybe. Even then that's too personal. I can write what I feel here because no one knows me other than this. No one has to see this ****ed up person on a day to day basis. I guess I don't like therapy because I don't like how they look at me; like I'm some broken thing that needs fixing, if that makes any sense. I write because I know that no one I physically interact with will read it. It's really the only time I can be honest with myself about what's going on in my head and how I feel.

I'm glad you post here. I can relate to many of the things you say. The cancer sounds like a tough thing to deal with. Please keep us posted.

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by Mysterious153

I'm glad you post here. I can relate to many of the things you say. The cancer sounds like a tough thing to deal with. Please keep us posted.

It's not easy but, as messed up as this is, it's still not even close to the worst thing that's ever happened to me. It's stressful but I've had something worse happen that tore me apart. I still haven't done anything about it. I'll set a reminder on my phone to schedule an appointment Monday. I can't keep putting it off and expect my fiance not to notice. He worries and keeps tabs on if I'm getting these sort of things done. Due to past events, he doesn't entirely trust me to do it (I can't blame him, if I had it my way I never would).
I really do appreciate the advice and encouragement. This website and my fiance are some of the very few places where I actually receive that. I don't take it for granted. Thank you.

My spouse also worries and keeps tabs on me. But since my attempt, I've learned to look at it as something he does because he loves me. I realize that in the past, I responded too defensively to his concerns.

PS Sorry about the stressful things you have endured. I did notice some of them at the PTSD forum which made me understand why you don't always help yourself. I really do think that you cope fairly well considering everything.