Daily Check In, ups and downs #19

In the abyssal darkness.

I kind of hate myself tonight. Even worse, I'm letting myself eat my feelings. So much for finally being able to get back to my workout routine.

I'm alone. Everyone is out either staying with other family or at the hospital. I don't have to pretend to be happy. Being happy when you don't feel it is exhausting but I think it is the trying that helps keep me sane. I'm not sad. I don't feel much of anything other than loneliness.

A slow day at work. Emotionally everything is fine, but feeling some movement from other people in my life. I got talking to a friend of mine who is down. He says that he wants to leave the area for good and that he's going to visit a friend in the area where he wants to move to.

I have been thinking about selling my condo for some time and that friend, whom I just mentioned on the above paragraph, does Real Estate. I was going to use him to sell for me. He said that he has some people who may be interested in buying from me. I get the feeling that it may not be a good time to use him for a good while. On the other hand, I think I should forget him entirely. He may not be able to function for me in selling. Probably just as well.

Lately, I was in quite a tailspin. Every year, after Christmas is over, it feels like there was some magic in the air that just got all sucked out. Life seems drab when we go from holiday season to ordinary time.

Every year I go through this. But I seem kind of over it.

Feeling down now that it's Friday. I'll probably have another weekend of not seeing anybody. It's been at least over a month since I spent time with someone. There's been some conversing over the phone and email, but no getting together with anyone.

Plus, I'm feeling that people are depressing for me. There are some people who are being corrective or critical with me; and it gets on my nerves.

I had placed some hope with a friend of mine, who's in Real Estate, to possibly sell my place. It sounded good for what he had to offer. But now he's not able to do anything with it; so I'll have to get someone else.

I feel depressed today. Haven't eaten yet and have no appetite. I washed the dishes, though, if that is something good.

It's amazing how much my functionality is dropping, I can't even play videogames for more than 30 minutes.

Some quack tried to put me on mirtazapine... this quack said so many dumb and harmful things in just 10 minutes (i have medical stuff too ) I didn't take one of their pills, I would almost certainly have been allergic to them anyway

It is good for... anorexia

I am sorry, I did not mean to make you more depressed

I swear, sometimes it feels like I can't describe some of my emotions to save my life. Also, speaking of emotions...in a weird way, sometimes I like feeling down to a certain extent: It's a feeling I easily recognize and distinguish from other feelings, it's capable of being powerful enough to overcome that mildness my emotions usually have, and it's an emotion I can't fake in ways other than through voice acting. The worst downside is that it lasts for too long to the point that the effect wares off and I end up numb instead. I'm not sure if how I feel about this is due to being used to it or not, but it's probably not a good thing either way.

Hi I am new here

feeling very lackadaisical about life at the moment. I know it will pass and come around again but these periods make me waste days doing very little and achieving nil.

A - OK, at the moment!

Can tolerate the panic attacks but the depression is very disturbing and difficult to deal with.

I'm just not very present today. I'm tired and I don't have much energy. Its wet and overcast here so that isn't helping either. I'm also feeling lonely but at the same time I don't want to deal with anyone. I'm messed up, lol.

I'm feeling okay today even though I'm broke and am disturbed over my husband's decline with his mental state. He seems to be having trouble adjusting to life and having tantrums. It's adding to my anxiety.

This morning, much to my horror, I discovered that my laundry & pool key is missing. I was going to do the laundry at 8AM and went for my key. It's gone! It's the weirdest thing. I have always put my key in a particular place. Not there! For years I have been going to the pool area and always had managed to have my key with me. This has never happened before!

Fortunately I had a neighbor who helped me get into the laundry room. At least I was able to get my laundry completed. But getting to the pool area is not going to be possible now. I'll have to get a new key. Another unexpected expense and I am struggling financially. It's like I really needed this!

Other than that, I've been busy. But once again no one to go anywhere with. Also I have decided not to write to someone who has been writing to me for a couple of weeks. The things she says to me makes me cringe. She picked up on me from another discussion board. Some of my friends are telling me that she could be bad news for me.

I am really struggling today with the loss of steven

really depressing

oh, and it's sunday

I always feel crap on sunday for some reason (and no, I can't use the excuse I have work the next morning as I don't work)

the whole monday monday garbage does not apply to me

In my life, Valentine's day is about all kinds of love. So, although I can't send my mom a card, for example, I would if she were using her computer (she never does). I also get cards from other relatives, and from friends. So, it's anything you want it to be.

When I was in grade school, the whole class had to give cards to the whole class, so every pupil had a full set of cards given to them.

Yesterday seemed like a kind of day that just about everything went wrong. I suppose there were some good moments, but it's difficult to see it. I went to
bed last night feeling bad; and felt a really bad this morning.

I'm still grieving over that lost key from yeseterday. I really depend on it. Someone at where I live just told me that I might have to come up with $300 for a replacement key! Lately I have been losing money due to weird and stupid things that happen. I feel like there's some kind of curse on me.

The janitor again started scraping his shovel on the ground again. I'm not sure if it's supposed to be humorous, showing me he can wield a shovel in the dead of night.

My right knee hurts so badly I would cry if I could.

ETA The mouse (rats?) are digesting their food in my kitchen. I guess that's better than in my bedroom. I'm really depressed. The janitor with the shovel,
The mice (rats?), etc. I don't want to be here anymore. I don't know that I have a method, especially with my crippled knees. As always it's a matter of method.

I washed the dishes today, and cooked something, but I still feel absolutely worthless.

I could be better.. or worse.

I felt very drained and worthless today. I played a video game to brighten my mood.

I am having an awfully hard time this evening. Grief combined with depression.

I'm not keeping up with things, as I need to. I'm afraid I won't catch up. Sick with a cold for 9 days now. I've neglected so much. I want to see a doctor, but I gave up on them.