Daily Check In, ups and downs #19

My precious Chloe died two weeks ago today, and was finally buried two days ago, when temperatures warmed up just enough to thaw the ground. It feels like forever that she's been gone. I'm still crying over it and feel absolutely pathetic; in fact, I'm crying now as I type this. I have a headache from it. I just wish that I could pick her up, hold and cuddle her again, feel her soft fur, listen to her gentle purrs . . . I really need that. I hate to think of her in the ground now, rotting, and how in time, the worms will eat her body away until there's nothing except bones. I don't want that for my precious kitty, but there was really nothing else we could have done with her. The process of cremation is also horrific, and would have been too much money for my parents to spare, anyway.

My depression has gotten so much worse, and in such a brief amount of time, that it honestly scares me. I've been keeping up with my hygiene less and less often. I am isolating myself, because I simply don't have it in me to interact; I have no patience anymore for small talk or fake niceties. Yet I don't want to say how I'm feeling, either. No one wants to hear about it. No one has even caught on to how badly I'm doing, though it should be pretty obvious, they're just not paying attention. They don't care. As far as they're concerned, I am a big girl now and can look after my own feelings. They have their own, much more important things to care about, like tax returns, and new appliances, and missing friends, and pregnancy, and stress at work, and, and, and . . .

A few things about this most recent episode are starting to worry me. For the past several days I've been having urges to self-harm again, and they continue to grow. Somehow I've not acted on them (yet) but it feels like I will soon. I'm running out of healthy and effective ways to cope. I'm also much angrier and less empathetic.

feeling a little triggered.

not only by the mess that was yesterday's flashback, but today out my window I can see/ hear a plain (air is a trigger), and I can see someone cutting the grass meaning the warmer weather is on it's way (blah)

plus I still have no idea about the date or time

it's not all bad news though.

I'm having toad in the hole later and watching a brand new episode of the lion guard

I'm feeling more and more empty as the week goes on. I just don't care about anything, nothing is enjoyable anymore.

Is anyone else triggered by thinking about the future? I am. So much news about humans soon being totally obsolete, we only have 30 more years or less before general AI renders civilization moot. Or something catastrophic happens.

I've been in a deep depression for a couple of weeks now. Everything is boring, I feel empty. And I found out some stuff about what antidepressants are actually made of and would like to taper off , but I don't know if I can manage it. I'm aching right now and really just waiting for it to pass.

I never thought I'd miss my mom so much. I thought she would live for years yet. There were times in the past that I really regretted how she treated me, but all that doesn't matter. I want one more chance to talk to her and tell her I love her. I did tell her that, but it doesn't seem enough.

all I want to do is sleep away the time.

Missed work due to a depressive episode where I cried in bed for 2 hours. I actually had forgotten I had to go. I covered it up by making a plausible excuse. I have to hide my illness because it is viewed as weakness.

I feel lonely, empty and hopeless all the time. The only way I can get up in the morning is due to my meds. I can barely due work until I feel the stress of a deadline and even that has been pushing it lately. I feel lazy and worthless and my family can't understand why. I don't really have anyone to talk to and I've already alienated a friend because of talking about it, so I'm wary to discuss my feelings.

I called in sick today at work. I really hated to do it, especially since I have to fill in for one guy who's out. There are so many that are sick at where I work. Some fairly serious. I had some weird dreams last night.

I don't expect much excitement today. I'll do the best I can to take it easy. I have to go to a store to pick up a few things. I don't feel up for it. It would be nice to have someone else do that for me. I hope that I will be better tomorrow when I have the cleaning and shopping to do.

I'm still not sure where this sense of isolation is coming from. I know it's not physical loneliness since I've been living on my own for about 4-5 years now and have loved every nanosecond of it. Maybe the loneliness is coming from how I view other people? I'm pretty much at that point where I consider any relationship other than a business one as completely optional. I've always been happier and less likely to be bored when I'm alone. I still don't exactly understand what's been happening here...Give me about 5 years. Everything else has taken at least that long to figure out . I'll sleep for more than 8 hours a night if I have to, since the analysis usually pops up in my dreams.

Why? Why would someone who claims to be my best friend & knows me the best on this earth, who knows my deepest & darkest thoughts, how violent my thoughts can get, how I'm standing on that weak edge of life tell me....tell me I'm "just having the winter blues!"
How could this person tell me this & not know how terribly crushed & hurt I am over this statement.
You really don't know me at all! I thought you really did.
You lied! Lied to me all this time!
No one knows me!
You're evil. Your arrogance disgusts me. You deserve to die, not me!
Why did I trust you?

Hi,
Thank you for sharing this. I am pasting this letter I found useful.
Sending you a hug Duff The Psych | A Letter to Those Who Don't Understand Depression - Duff The Psych

Thank you

Totally get that. Nothing seems to help.

Not much of a day for me. Just cleaned and went shopping. Feeling under the weather, but better now than before. I felt nauseous when I first got out of bed at 7AM. I couldn't eat breakfast and lunch as much as I have before. I got something that's been going around. Lots of other people have something like a cold but it isn't (if that makes any sense!). My temperature has been around normal, but I've felt like crap.

I guess I'll be taking it very easy tonight.

Not depressed . . . but have a miserable sore throat. Feel sick.

Feeling depressed since morning. Self care like taking a shower is still a problem. But can do a little bit of housework.

Not depressed, but sick with head cold and sore throat.

Being physically sick seems to make me feel better mentally . . . screwing as that sounds.

I don't feel sad, but I feel crippled and tired. I want to go out, maybe spend sometime at a coffee shop as a change, but my stomach and legs tell me not to

Can't breathe through my nose. But only a little depressed . . . which seems to have kicked in when my bf started being a nudge.

barely noticed it's valentines day.

passed like an average day for me

actually I think that valentines day is overrated, even if I had someone I don't think i'd dedicate a certain day of the year just to be with them (as it should be every day) *

Hi
I never understood Valentine's Day. Here we have a Friendship Day and the Day of Fiancée (it is for couples). When I lived in the US to me Valentine's was an ambiguos thing. What is about? Is it about "Eros"? Is it about "Philia"? Is it about "Agape"?

I'm exhausted today. I'm always exhausted. It seems like I never have any energy to do anything. I wish I could get a break from this once in a while. I just want to cry today knowing that there are people who have escaped from this already. I want to be out too.

Tired and conflicted today. made it out to see p-nurse and it went fine. in the waiting room i saw a mom with a very sick daughter in a wheelchair. she was friendly and upbeat in spite of everything they must go through and i just kind of felt scummy for feeling so messed up just because i do. on the way home fantasized about becoming more "normal" but that never works out for me. came on here to find some solace.

Feeling very depressed and anxious over financial problems.