[MtnTime2896]

My trauma(s) and sadness runs deep. I've given up trying to find a sole cause behind my depression. Therapy could help me get somewhere but I won't get my hopes up about it. I have this fear, it's not necessarily an anxiety thing. It's this heart wrenching fear that I'm just broken. When people who know me see me, they just see broken pieces of what I used to be and how weak I've become. Because I am, I'm just weak and broken. I've let it all just pull me under. I keep sinking and sinking. I can't even seem to fight it anymore. I let go of the reigns and will now crash into the canyon. I've been called weak and broken by several family members ever since I went to the hospital earlier this year. Of course, before that they had no idea what I was going through. Because I was forced into a hospital, I am weak. Because I needed it, I am weak. Because I don't hide my issues all of the time, I am broken. Because I have told them what I suffer from, I am broken.
According to one of them, I'm just emotional and need to grow up. "There's nothing wrong with you. Get over it."
Huh, maybe I should just quit talking; to anyone. Real life, online; to anyone. What is it really to say anything, anyway? I'm just whining, after all. "**** or get off the pot", right? Just hurts to know that they don't give a damn unless I can help them. (I'm not talking about anyone on PC).

[Booh]

Hello. Só leigheas. Brene Brown has given a number of TED Talks, including this one:

I urge you to listen to this one and the Houston talk she refers to. Thereafter, I also urge you to get a physical and referral for a psychological evaluation with the understanding you will get treatment for whatever is indicated.

I have had experiences similar to what you describe. It was not until I started Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and Mindfulness meditation that I started to have hope for a better life. ACT is challenging. It is worth the effort to help you become the author of your life.

I wish you well.

I agree with Booh that one of the things that will help you will be learning to accept yourself. I've read enough of your postings to understand a just a little bit about how your traumas have transformed you. In life, it can seem like no one accepts the "real" you. That makes it hard to share your profound pain. I think it is important that you continue to see a therapist. I've let my T see how dysfunctional things are for me. I can only share so much with my spouse because it is upsetting to him. When I visited one of my siblings this summer and I revealed something they said, "There is nothing wrong with you!" They were so emotional about it that I made sure I acted completely normal for the remainder of the visit (good thing I had brought my medication). But when family members are like that, well, I still like spending some time with them but it would not be healthy for me to have to "pretend" day in and day out. This is not a problem for me because they live on the other side of the country. Since it sounds like your family lives in the same town, you might have to figure out how to limit your exposure. I know it is easier said than done. And I know that you are dealing with so much more than I have ever had to deal with. I think it is important that you keep posting here because so few in society truly understand things like PTSD and profound depression. When you deal with things like this you have to accept that you are going to need help with this. When I first went to therapy, I thought that it would "fix" me. And I sometimes think that I want to be able to function at 100% without my medication. These things may never happen. I may always need some help. Please do everything you can to reach out and take help. You need it and deserve it. It's OK to be sad. I want to know about it. Because of your past, it is part of who you are. You are always so open and helpful. I think that the way you reach out on this forum shows determination and strength. Your strength has helped me with my recovery. You made a difference. My heart goes out to you. I really do care about you. I hope you can experience some happy feelings as well this week.

[MtnTime2896]

Thanks Booh. I watched it and found it a bit enlightening. Looking at things from a more logical sense is one thing for me and actually attempting it emotionally/psychologically are two different things. I'll try my best.

[MtnTime2896]

Thanks Mysterious, you've been there for me a lot and it has helped and I'm glad I could do the same for you. I do want to say that I don't think I'm dealing with more than you have. I believe that an individual's struggle cannot be compared to another. Each person's struggle is there own and they're the only ones who truly and entirely understand. You are the expert of your life, everyone else is a student and spectator. From what I gather you've been through a lot and I'm glad things are looking up for you.

To be honest, self acceptance really has never been on my mind. I've never accepted or rejected myself. It might be messed up but I look at myself a little different. I do look at myself and feel the need to achieve balance. Like, everything I don't like about myself needs a counter weight (usually helping someone in some way). For me it's more like osmosis than anything else. I don't believe I can really ever accept myself but I don't not accept myself, you know? It's more like I've just accepted that I'm someone I don't care for, who could be better but never will be. So, as long as there's a balance, it makes me less of a bad person. Then again, it could just be low self-esteem bordering onto self-hatred and I'm just in a state of denial. My therapist wants to work on the whole self-esteem thing with me starting today. I'm going to be honest, it's kept me awake tonight. I still need to go to bed to at least nap first.
I can't definitively tell anyone, including myself, what's so wrong with me that I don't deserve anything good from any outside source. I know that very thought process is what's causing me to desire silence. People help me here and I don't feel I deserve that and shouldn't put myself in a position to receive it.
I'm rambling out of exhaustion at this point. Sorry, just not feeling well on top of not sleeping.

I never sleep well the night before a therapy session either and judging from the psychotherapy forum, we are not unique. Getting value out of therapy requires discussing hard things/things you have never or rarely discussed. Inevitably, I end of thinking about how to put it into words prior to a therapy session and thinking about it causes anxiety. And I feel anxious about it a night or two or even for a whole week after but it does seem to help in the long run. So if you can find someone who you can eventually talk to about uncomfortable things, I think it will help you. Good luck today!

[Fuzzybear]

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by Mysterious153

I never sleep well the night before a therapy session either and judging from the psychotherapy forum, we are not unique. Getting value out of therapy requires discussing hard things/things you have never or rarely discussed. Inevitably, I end of thinking about how to put it into words prior to a therapy session and thinking about it causes anxiety. And I feel anxious about it a night or two or even for a whole week after but it does seem to help in the long run. So if you can find someone who you can eventually talk to about uncomfortable things, I think it will help you. Good luck today!

He's already brought up medication. I don't want to be on meds ever again. I can't do that. I thought I'd made it clear how I felt about my past experiences but I guess not. I don't want to be reliant on medication to be happy. I don't think meds will help because it's only helping out a "chemical imbalance" which I may or may not have, instead of fixing the core issues behind it.
That's why I don't do therapy. They all want to give me medication and I don't like that. I already have a hard time talking about anything and now I'm suppose to be able to talk about all of my deepest & most painful memories and their affect on me? I just don't want to feel this anymore and talking about it makes it a lot more difficult to shove those feeling aside so that I can function. Talking on here is difficult enough for me, but I do it because it's suppose to help; and it does. At the same time, it re-opens up the wounds.
I hate this.

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

Thanks, Fuzzy.

[Unrigged64072835]

Sorry to hear you're having a rough time.