I have tried.

I have tried so hard throughout my whole life to be what I was brought up to be: To be 'good person' to 'be agreeable' to 'be compassionate' to 'be supportive' to 'put your own needs last' to 'be strong' to 'strive to be better than what you see around you in kindness and understanding'. Yet every single time I have put these things into practice it has resulted in my being torn to shreds by the very people I have extended my hand of compassion, kindness and understanding to. This has happened time and time again in my personal life and in my work life. Today I have had enough. Today I got the last kick in the face that I am prepared to take. I am no longer able to see any chance of coming back again, of walking away or holding up my head. I just cannot any more. I am finally broken when I thought I had been before and yet found a way to claw back but today never again. I'm done.

Hello Sula B: I'm sorry you have reached this point of exasperation. I can't claim to have always done as you have done (to be a good person, agreeable, compassionate, & supportive.) But there have been times in my life when did try to do so in certain situations. And I always ended up feeling much the way you are feeling at the moment. After a while, I just decided it wasn't worth the bother. Now I just keep to myself.

The only thing I will take issue with, regarding your post, is that I would like to suggest you can still hold your head up. There's no requirement that a person be a certain way in order to feel good about themselves. You can have respect for yourself however you are. I know it can be difficult to get out from under the paradigms we were inculcated with growing up. But ultimately, as adults, we get to choose our own paths based on our personal experiences in life. The way I look at it is that, as long as I'm not intentionally harming others & I stay out of their way, that is all that's required. To my way of thinking if everyone just strived to not intentionally harm others, & stayed out of each other's way, the world would be a better place.

Hi Sula B

First of all I've got to really commend you on how considerate you've tried being to others

But as well, I've got to say that I see this as a real positive step forward.........your opinions, feelings, wishes, needs, goals do/have got to matter at least just as much as other people's and it's good that you're recognising that you deserve something back too e.g. for your feelings to be valued, to feel some respect from others, to be treated better.............

And I am really sorry that you've been treated the way you have by others, some people can take advantage of, or not truly appreciate the kind of caring/support you've been so ready to give..........and that's completely their failing
It says a lot more about them than it ever could about you
Please don't let them deter you from continuing in showing consideration, caring, support towards others though...........there are plenty of genuine people out there who would never take advantage of or under appreciate that............just make sure you feel something genuine back from them though, and remember you matter too!!!

So ultimately Sula........congratulations on this "dawning of a new day", and I hope it leads you to having much more valued and valuable people in your life
Everyone deserves people like that in their lives..........



Alison

Thankyou Skeezyks, There are times when I feel I have reached that point but then someone ( psychologically) smacks me down again and I realise that I am still trying and far too hard. I appreciate your thoughts. I am just so disappointed (again) and irritated as well - maybe one day I will realise to just do the minimum but its hard when its so deeply ingrained.

Thankyou. It IS very difficult to get out from under your conditioning an one thing I've found is the more you do the ore you are expected to do and when you cant you're a selfish piece of crap apparently. You are right - I have to just give the metaphorical finger and move on.