Male and depressed--I hate the stigma

Hi everyone.

I've been suffering from depression since 2001. When I tried to explain it to one of my relatives, he said, <font color="red">"just man up and get over it"</font>. If only I could! I don't feel "sad" like I would had something bad happened to me. Instead, it's like my emotions have been stolen from me. I'm just lost in this void of feeling nothing for weeks on end. What's worse, my depression is idiopathic (i.e. no obvious stressor brought it on) and treatment-resistant. Aren't I lucky?

Other than my therapist and psychiatrist, I don't really feel like I can tell anyone about it and not get a negative reaction. For whatever reason, men with depression are seen as weak-willed and stupid. Any other men out there dealing with this? Is there anyone that understands that it isn't my fault and if I could just snap out of it, I would have done so six years ago?

Sorry for what you're dealing with. Yep...stigma.
I've been a depressed, sensitive most of my life and I have to say that...yes, there are sooo many out there, family included, that wish it would just go away...sweep it under the rug...deal with it...etc. ...heard it all!
We have been "conditioned" through society for countless generations how men are "supposed to act". So when we get depressed it is much harder to realize our vulnerability.
I've learned long ago that it's not my fault...but it still doesn't get any easier the older I get. I work in the male dominated building construction trade. I'll never share my life or depression with most of my male counterparts...cause it just would not help. I've learned who to talk to, through the years...due to my sensitive nature...and who to just "mask out". They just won't understand and I usually just get hurt more by letting someone who is not sympathetic to my nature...close to me.
I'd say...coming to this site is a good start for you...cause you could "relate" to others...and they you. Try to find "down time" for yourself whenever...exercise is a must for us men...burns off that pent up feeling we get...and learn who to share your time with. Practically every community has a depression support group. Know your self better. Know that it is O.K. to feel these feelings. There are sooo many men out there that are depressed and cannot or do not know what they are dealing with. It comes out as anger...anti social behavior...lost feeling...hollow...empty... I can usually spot it right away. Knowing that you have depression issues...for you...is the first step out of the black hole.
You're definately not alone on this....
take care now...
Dan

((((Jaquard))))) love the name, btw (by the way).... you're not alone. we're here, and we won't stigmatize you. many people don't understand that males can suffer from depression as well as females. i have chronic major depression. i'm also treatment-resistant, too. it's a bugger trying to find the right treatment to help me. i know that is pretty rough for you. keep posting, and we're here for you....

i'm a girl...so don't know much about being a guy with depression....i can say from experience the 'suck it up' and 'get over it' mentality is directed at females too.

i can see how it would be different for a man though...i do guess men are looked at as being stronger in general...men aren't supposed to cry, but it's ok for women too...i guess it's the emotional thing...it's ok for women to be emotional....

i agree keeping a stiff upper lip at work is wise...but with friends and family i'd hope you wouldn't have to.

i think generally speaking there is a stigma and overall generic view that it's not ok for men to be depressed...but in reality....i would hope people understand that depression is NOT gender biased.

....anyway, you can be as depressed as you want to be around me and cry if you want to or throw things if you want to (just not at me, pls) and i promise not to look at you funny! ok!

luv, gost

Thanks, everyone. Reading your responses was really helpful. Just knowing someone "gets it" makes it easier to get through another day.

You must be joking
Obviously there are lots of men with depression, even if it is more easily diagnosed in women. As a depressed person you should learn one basic truth: you can't talk about it with anyone.
The simple reason why most people don't understand is IGNORANCE. And no, you CAN'T snap out of it.
So don't hesitate to lie to those who couldn't understand. Say you didn't sleep, say you have headache, say whatevere but don't say depression. This is not out of shame, it is survival in a world where stigma is a fact.

The best of luck

i agree with Stefano i dont talk about it to anyone

While I agree to a certain extent, one thing depression does do is isolate you from other people and this can actually (in my experience) make things work. Having a support network of two or three close people, who have done some reading on depression, and are just there for you whether they understand how you feel or not, can make a lot of difference, or at least it has for me.

But I think the others are right in that you have to be really careful who you open up to. And I realise a lot of people don't have anyone to open up to.

Kudos to Stefano this is bull a men and women should have to suck it up. I don't know how many books or small hand outs I've gave to my close friends, they still don't get it............... DUHHH

you certainly aren't alone. my first husband told me "it's all in your head"......duh?

i've spent my life, since 16, hearing my family talk about me. you know, "she does strange things" "can't get her to go anywhere" "what's wrong with Pat?".....

hell, i tell anyone. if they wonder what's going on.....if they don't understand, due to ignorance, then i am not going to waste any more time on them.

you see, i took a workshop with a very wise photographer years ago and he said something to us that i've never forgotten. he was talking about a gallery rejecting him and how badly he felt over that.......then it came to him, "if they don't like my photographs, ***k them"......that is my motto concerning just about everything in my life.

i am a photographer and it has carried me through some rejections to some pretty fair success.....if they don't like our disease......***k 'em......now, wait til this post gets deleted.

i'm a lot older than you (64), so i've been in the trenches a bit more. carry on, here with us and you'll feel much better about yourself and your life. there is a lifeline here, like no other.......xoxoxo pat p.s. i just uploaded some new "snapshots" that make me happy.....go look......

Just gotta love Pat!!! Major kudos to you...............



me...............................................

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meander said:
While I agree to a certain extent, one thing depression does do is isolate you from other people and this can actually (in my experience) make things work. Having a support network of two or three close people, who have done some reading on depression, and are just there for you whether they understand how you feel or not, can make a lot of difference, or at least it has for me.

But I think the others are right in that you have to be really careful who you open up to. And I realise a lot of people don't have anyone to open up to.

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I'm very isolated. My family thinks I'm just being lazy and I've been chronically unable to form other relationships since I was a kid. Before I started talking (at age 5), they thought I was autistic. My T has brought up the possibility of Asperger's Syndrome. For some reason, though, I find it much easier to give and get support in text on the internet.

As for what I say to others who pry, I go the half-truth route since I'm a horrible liar. I just tell them I'm chronically ill without specifying what illness. I hate doing even that, though. Manipulating people's perceptions to get through life makes me feel ugly inside.

what is your payoff for manipulating people?

I think it's fine for you to tell people you have a chronic illness if you don't want to go into detail... it's completely up to you what you disclose and to who.

I'm sorry you feel so isolated at home, I guess it would be hard for you to communicate what you're going through. I don't know if this is a good idea or not, but since you prefer the text medium, maybe you could write a letter or poem to the family member you feel closest to and express yourself that way? If they knew what was really going on, maybe they'd behave differently.... just an idea though, I've never been in that situation, so not sure.

I'm open to PMs if you ever need to talk,
Meander