[FireBird]

Just like the other posts about me being depressed, its all about my mom. She is sick again and I'm scared for her life. She has a severe infection of the salivary gland. It sounds minor but even a simple cold is deadly to my mom. It turns into pneumonia and nearly kills her every time. In two days my grandpa is coming over and I haven't seen him in 2 years. I am excited about that but I think all we are going to do together is visit mom in the hospital. That's all I see. I pray to God that I'm wrong and she doesn't need to stay overnight. She's going in today because of it. My depressive episode started not today but a week ago for some odd reason. Its just a million times worse today because of mom's health and other reasons as well. We are supposed to go on a nice cruise in October and its already paid for but I'm scared that we won't go because of mom's health. We haven't been on a vacation for 3 or 4 years. I don't know what true happiness is because I haven't felt it in many years and when I did it was a short time like when I'm on a trip or something. I haven't been able to cry for at least a year. Don't know why. I am on anti depressant medications and it doesn't help in this situation. I cut myself today. I want to do more. I just can't take all the negatives. I also have multiple personalities and it interferes with my life and makes me depressed. I can't even go to school because of it. All I do is go to different groups and stay at home fiddling with my thumbs. I don't have a job. As mentioned many, many times on this site, I have extreme guilt. I killed 350,000 people with my psychic dreams and that makes me even MORE depressed if that is even possible. I am the cause of all the problems in the world. It's all me! Then the alien creatures tell me what to do but this isn't as bad as it was a few months ago. It used to be 24/7 but now its just a few times a day. All my movements are controlled by an outside force and I can't think in public. My thoughts are too weird and everyone will know that. My thoughts are not private but everyone on Earth knows them. My thoughts are broadcasted by some device and I'm scared about that as well as mom's health. I get panic attacks nearly everyday but this has been lasting longer than my current episode of depression. So, what do I do? I can't go to the hospital because grandpa is coming over in 2 days. I don't want to miss that. I want to cry like most depressed people do. All I show is a big fat smile on my face no matter what. I don't mean to smile all the time though. I even smile at inappropriate things such as the world ending and things like that even though I don't mean it. I have no energy to do things. I sleep for long periods of time. I lost interest in things that I used to love such as video games and building my model airplanes. I need to know what to do. And I know when my next major depressive episode is coming. October. After the cruise (IF we go). I always have episodes around birthdays and my insane brother's birthday is in October. Also my mom is having another surgery and she nearly died during the last surgery. Then I think that is going to be the last vacation EVER as a family. There will be NOTHING to look forward to ever again

[stefano]

Well... WOW.. that is a lot of crap for one single person...
Seriously, this is the kind of post that scares me off to give up responding. I mean, how can I be of any help since you seem to have all the known mental illnesses, and it seems that you need an equipe of psychiatrists.
I wonder if you really believe what you say. I mean, do you realize, even if only rationally, that all the stuff about you being guilty for everything bad in the world and your thoughts being evident to everybody are only delusions?
My experience is limited to depression, but I don't feel like going to address the problem, because it seems like it is the least of your problems. You need VERY qualified medical attention immediately. This is not a professional opinion, but it is heartfelt.

[dorsey555]

Hi Firebird,
I know how painful being depressed is. I have bipolar and I've gone into deep depressions. I know that you get asked this alot but, does your pdoc know how you're feeling. Maybe there's something he/she can do in terms of medications. In the meantime..hang in there..I feel bad that you are suffering so..keep sharing where you are. I love it that this site has such caring people. Try to remember that when we're depressed the world looks a lot worst than it is, I try to remember that. It doesn't make my depression go away, but at least I know inside that it's my depression that's making the world look worst than it is.
My prayers are with you,
dorsey

[recluse1]

so sorry to hear that you and your mother are going thru such hard times. i dont know if you believe in God or not, but praying and handing your troubles over to him can be helpful and comforting. just remember you dont suffer alone. many here have and do suffer with depression and family health issues so i encourage you to keep posting. it is a great outlet and a great inlet for support.

recluse1

We are praying ,sending thoughts for your mothers recovery.. i do hope what you are telling us, is being shared with your pdoc. meds and time with him/her will go along way to bringing you home........

t/c,

me

[meander]

Hey Firebird,

I hope your mother's ok, sounds really rough. Try not to stress about the other stuff, I think some of the other guys here are right about the fact you should talk to a therapist or someone you trust in real life about all this too, it might help you, since it's clear you're really down at the moment.

Post more too, if it helps, I find just vocalising things, or writing them helps too. Your mother's lucky to have you worried about her, and altho I see what you mean about the guilt (I often have days when everything in the world seems like my fault), but this is NOT your fault.