when there's no good in you

i cussed at my bf's mom today and almost got into a fight with her.

well this morning, my bf was like "i'll make us some breakfast after i get out if yhe shower" and i asked if i coulf have the rest of the pasta in the fridge cause the other day he told me to finish it before it goes bad. but then he took it the wrong way when i asked if i could eat the pasta and thought i didn't want to eat his food. he kept yelling at me and i told him to stop, i told him i was sorry. then he was still mad cause i said i didn't really know what i did wronf, i wouldn't shut up so he pushed me into the shower and i fell. i got up and he said "you're so dramatic." and i asked if i could get a bagel from the kitchen (we live at his mom's btw) and she noticed i looked pissed off and we both didn't say anything to her, but wheh i went back into the room. she asked him what was wrong and he told her that he wanted to make breakfast for me but i refused. so i opened the door, i didn't even brush my teeth and i hadn't taken my meds abd i said "why are you talking about me" and his mom was like were not talking about you and she was like imm really close to him. and i tried to say something and i just felt like she kept taking his side and i was like "just be quiet you always take his side. this isn't even about you' she told me i was disrespectful and i called her a ***** and she yelled at me to leave. i brought up to her that he always puts his hands on me and she was like then leave, you don't pay rent anyways. i was gonna pay her and him but recently my bf hasn't been lettig me cause he knows i'm broke and i had to take out a loan to take care of myself. i'm so stupid. i can't believe i lashed out like that. my bf brought up how i got into a fight with my mom not to long ago too.

my bf told us to say sorry to each other but i could tell she hates me cause she gave me this ****** hug and said "im sorry that this happened," i think i'm going crazy.
i hate seeing my face and i can't forgive myself for how i act. i ended up just telling my mom what i said to his mom i told her that my bf and i have still been arguing and she was like "does he hit you" i just couldn't answer her. it's no excuse to cuss out his mom. she hates me, idk what to do. i mean, he says she doesn't hate me but she just is letting me stay there cause of him. my mom said that i need to leave and come back home, like to her place. im scared. i told a friend about it and she said i need to leave, and she said i shouldn't feel bad and saud that him and his mom are mean and it's ****ed up but i can't forgive myself. no matter what i'm always gonna hate myself.

Self-loathing clouds a lot of primal-do what's best for you-instinct. I don't care what you say to him, he should not be putting hands on you unless you are physically assaulting him. Unless you're physically assaulting this guys, he needs to learn to back the **** off. No, you don't deserve to have hands on you for speaking/arguing like any damn couple does. It sounds like a toxic situation; which leads me to concur with your mom and friend. You need to leave the situation entirely, especially since you have the opportunity right now; I'd take your mom up on the offer.

As far as ur BF's mom....mistakes happen. You two were arguing and you lost your temper. A bad name came out. Your not the first or the last. I've did it to one of my sisters. It's ok your human. The relationship with your BF has a possibility of becoming more violent. Violence starts with just sometimes pushing then it can progress to hitting and more. I would really suggest you think hard on continuing that relationship. But that's just my opinion. I'm very glad you have another option of moving with your mom

but i can't. he's my only real friend and he's my best friend and i just know i'll be alone and i don't know how to leave him. my social anxiety and depression have gotten really bad, i should sought help, but i didn't. i stopped talking to people i used to talk to.

i've even been pushing my bf away cause i've been so depressed, we just got into another argument cause he thought i was shutting him out. i told him that i still think his mom hates me and thinks i'm the problem. cause that day after his mom and i argued, he was saying something and i kept interrupting him and they both told me to stop talking and shut up. his mom was like "shut up, let him talk," and then she said "i can see why you're always arguing with her" i really do think that this is all my fault still. idk

but then my bf said that she doesn't mind if i'm over here. i just feel like a bother. it's hard not to blame myself, this is my first real relationship with a guy and i just messed everything up. i can't even have normal relationships with people. i've fought with my mom before, i've been really disrespectful towards her, i've cussed at her. and i never payed her rent when i was living there.
and i don't even pay rent right now to my bf's mom. the only thing i usually say to her is "hi" cause i haven't been talking to anyone cause i've been so upset with myself and my social anxiety got much worse and i didn't seek help. i know i'm a mean person, everyone just thinks i'm rude. and even if i'm in a bad environment, i could leave at any time, no one forcing me to stay here. and i should have handled it differently instead of cussing out his mom. she told me to leave, and i'm still here. i don't deserve it. my bf doesn't want me to go live with my mom and i don't either. i get into argument with my mom too, it's not gonna be any better. we've gotten into physcial fights and i've gotten more bruises when i eas living with her than i did when i'm living with my bf. there's no point, i'm just the **** up. my bf said that if i just get another job (i quit my recent job cause i couldn't handle it anymore, all i would do is show up, try to hide and cry where no oned could see me, then clock out) things will be back to normal and i won't have to live with my mom.

I still don't like the situation. However, I can't be a hypocrite and tell you that you need to forget all emotion involved and leave. I won't tell you that because, while it wasn't a boyfriend, I was routinely abused only a couple years ago. It took so much to get me to leave the situation. It took a couple years of someone convincing me to get out of there. I did eventually, and I'm happier now with my fiance. What I'm trying to say, is that I understand it's complicated. You love them, how can you live without them and you don't want to hurt them. But if they really care about you, they'll get better with their own **** and not abuse you.
I guess I understand why you wouldn't want to live with your mom. Is there a friend you could stay with for a couple weeks maybe, if only to relieve yourself of the tension in that house for a little while? It might help you clear your head.

just to make things clear, his mom has never abused me, i don't want it to seem like that. i pretty much heated the situation that day when i cussed at her and acted like i was about to fight her and my bf pushed me back. plus, she mentioned how i don't pay rent, cause i said that he hits me even when she's there and she said "then leave, you don't pay rent". my bf didn't want me to cause i still have to pay back my loan but i gave her $60 cause that's just what i had in my wallet and i hadn't given her any money in almost a month. well, i gave it to my bf to give to her. i know i'm taking advantage of them cause my bf has brought up that i take advantage cause there's a lot if times where i ask to eat something of his in the kitchen. and now that i donmt have my job, i can't pitch in for anything and my bf tells me not to and he's just been paying for stuff. he's called me a mooch before when he was mad at me but then later said he apoligized and said he didn't mean and that i'm not a mooch. i've asked peers and my bf if i should be paying for rent there and they said that i should be fine cause i told them (well at the time) i usually help clean and i would sometimes pitch in for groceries and give his mom money when i had it and pay him money too for driving me around cause i don't have a car. but i just hate being seen as a disrespectful person, i just wish this never happened and she saw me as a nice, understand girlfriend and a sweet person. cause at the beggining, i tried to talk to her but then i started shutting everyone out, even sometimes my bf. i don't mean to. i wish i could just live a normal life

I'm mostly referring to your boyfriend as abusive. His mom just isn't really helping the situation.

And I don't. If anything, I could possibly stay with my dad if he ends up getting his own place soon. And this is weird to say, but I've also been looking into psychiatric residential care. So those are my options

It already has gotten to that point. I know I probably should have left by now and any sane person would have. I'm trying to figure stuff out though. And I really appreciate the advice and support.

That's something and both sound like a plan.

I don't want to sound like a broken record here, but I can't stress it enough: You don't deserve treatment like this. I know it's easy to believe that you do, trust me I know, but you have to fight that. You're worth letting yourself have a chance. You deserve to be treated as an equal, not a verbal/physical punching bag. Your mental health will never improve at this rate and I think that should be a top priority right now.

If you ever need someone to talk to about this, I'm here on the forum and you are welcome to message me, also.