What's Wrong With Me?

MtnTime2896 · 08:14 AM

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little turtle · Oct 28, 2016, 07:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

When you actually feel happiness and you still want to die; what does that mean? And how can you help a person, who even at their happiest, still want to die? I don't mean to lay it on too heavy this early, but it's a genuine question. I had a good night, yet right now I can still say without hesitation that I want to die.

What's wrong with me?

how hopeful are you now..

MtnTime2896 · 08:14 AM

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MtnTime2896 · 08:15 AM

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little turtle · Oct 28, 2016, 07:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

Not really. Like, I still think that I'm doomed for eternity but it's like the weight of that is lighter, you know. It's weird, it's like I don't care that I want to die and I think it's just a good idea. It sucks when I'm like this because I have a really hard time fighting my impulsiveness.

Maybe I should take an Adderall to calm it down a bit. I don't know.

what is that [doomed for eternity] thing

MtnTime2896 · 08:15 AM

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little turtle · Oct 28, 2016, 07:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

Like, there's no way I can redeem what I've done. I can never, no matter how many people I help, make up for what I've done. People are under the assumption that I'm a good person; I wish they knew how wrong that is. Sure, I'm trying to make up for it but nothing I do will actually matter.
Whether there is a God or isn't, I don't believe I'm going to any sort of "heaven". I think I'm doomed to be miserable throughout. I think I'm always going to wish myself to die but will never do it because I know I deserve this feeling. I know I've had it coming. It's hard to take my own advice and care about myself when I know I don't deserve it.

wow....what about redemption...

MtnTime2896 · 08:15 AM

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little turtle · Oct 28, 2016, 08:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

I can't be redeemed. Redemption just isn't an outcome of change for me. I can work my *** off to change all I want, but at the end of the day....

I'm still me.

can you change anything that has happened..

do you go to a 12 step group...

MtnTime2896 · Oct 28, 2016, 08:07 AM

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little turtle · Oct 28, 2016, 08:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

No, I tried but to be honest, I didn't feel comfortable. I can rarely go talk to my therapist and he's just one guy. I can't talk to a group of people about my problems like that.

No, I can't change anything I've done and can only change me, but it's not good enough because I'll always be that person.

I have to leave now with my daughter...actually I am the one that needs
a 12 step group....I will be back later today...sorry for leaving...

Oct 28, 2016, 08:34 AM

Part of the problem is you think and love to deeply; otherwise, you wouldn't torture yourself this way.

"When you actually feel happiness and you still want to die; what does that mean?"--I don't know, I have and sometimes still experience this myself (don't worry about me though--my meds and therapy have gotten me to a point that I don't think I will make another attempt but I sometimes feel this way). Maybe we are extremely emotional people inside who have trouble venting the volcano that builds up inside of us?
"I can't be redeemed." -- I had a hard time with this as well when I was younger. But I know your situation is much more complicated. You are worthwhile. From what you've written, you have a brother and sister who look up to/love you. You wouldn't have earned their love if you didn't deserve it. I get along with my brother and sister but I have seen families where there are horrible sibling rivilries. Usually that's because one of the siblings is unkind.

Please hang on, you are worthwhile.

MtnTime2896 · Oct 28, 2016, 08:39 AM

But I'm not. People see what they want to see in me. The **** I've done.... I shouldn't have gotten away with. If God's real, I don't think I can even be forgiven by him. I used to be so religious but now; I realize that I was just trying to justify who I was, who I still might as well be.
I'm not going to follow through with what I want to do. There's no point. Not to mention, I haven't entirely fulfilled my promise to my little brother.

Oct 28, 2016, 08:42 AM

"I can rarely go talk to my therapist and he's just one guy."--maybe you have the wrong therapist and sometimes you have to build up trust before you talk to them about something hard. Mine always says, "we don't have to talk about it," when she senses I am having trouble with the conversation.

Oct 28, 2016, 08:47 AM

" People see what they want to see in me. " --people do this all the time in all walks of life. I am a romantic, I have a tendency do this at times with everyone in my life. They are still worthwhile people and I am probably seeing their realistic good sides just not focussing on the bad. We all have good and bad days. We all do good and bad things. And the best, strongest people can be brought down by a bad situation. Absolutely everyone in this world has a breaking point.

MtnTime2896 · Oct 28, 2016, 08:50 AM

I don't think there's a single person out there who I can see to get help. I've tried so many. I just don't trust people.

Oct 28, 2016, 08:52 AM

"I haven't entirely fulfilled my promise to my little brother." That is so sweet and loving, you are a good person blinded by your depression and anxiety. I hope you feel a little better soon. It might happen. Please don't give up.

MtnTime2896 · 09:01 AM

My little brother's my soft spot, that's never changed. I'd do anything to see him smile. It doesn't change the fact that....

I don't know. I just feel like I'm gone and at this point, there's no saving me and I'm cursed to live with myself like this.

What's messed up, I don't even feel as depressed as I have been for well over a month (to the point of taking a tad too much medication with alcohol just to test the waters) and yet, I'm still thinking this way. I had a good night and I did something good and I still am like this. I don't know if I'm just that depressed or if maybe the doctor was right and I'm bipolar. What's one more illness, right? Keep stacking 'em up.

Oct 28, 2016, 09:00 AM

"I've tried so many. I just don't trust people." --No worries, it's OK to give up on it for a while but I hope you try again later. I think that the right T can help. But maybe your mind just needs to take a break from worrying about getting well for a while. You have a lot of anxiety like I do. Some things just can't be fixed or changed. And some things are not our responsibility. We don't have to be useful or perfect all the time though it is important to be kind. It would be hard to convince me that you are not kind.

Oct 28, 2016, 09:04 AM

Remember, time does diminish a lot of the painful experiences that we have gone through as we age. It's going to get better for you. Sometimes our worries about the future are worse than some of the bad events we experience.

Oct 28, 2016, 09:17 AM

I wonder if I am bipolar too but I don't worry about it. It's a label not who bipolar people are. LucyG has posted "bipolar is a spectrum mental illness in that there's a wide spectrum that people fall along yet are all bipolar." I think this makes sense. And she posted "I also believe that bipolar can and is cyclical." Since I started journaling, I have become more in tune with my moods and notice that when I am not depressed, I can feel a bit manic for about 3 weeks out of every month therefore I wonder if it is a hormonal thing as well. I used to have a lot of anxiety the day or a day or two before my period. Have you been reading the bipolar forum? It is a good way to get a sense of if you have some bipolar traits.

MtnTime2896 · Oct 28, 2016, 09:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mysterious153

Remember, time does diminish a lot of the painful experiences that we have gone through as we age. It's going to get better for you. Sometimes our worries about the future are worse than some of the bad events we experience.

I see what you're saying and I appreciate it. I just want you to know that. I know I care and I know I love, but....it doesn't take away from what I remember my own hands doing.

I feel like a headcase right now, I guess I am. I just hate that I can't even control my own mind.

MtnTime2896 · Oct 28, 2016, 09:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mysterious153

I wonder if I am bipolar too but I don't worry about it. It's a label not who bipolar people are. LucyG has posted "bipolar is a spectrum mental illness in that there's a wide spectrum that people fall along yet are all bipolar." I think this makes sense. And she posted "I also believe that bipolar can and is cyclical." Since I started journaling, I have become more in tune with my moods and notice that when I am not depressed, I can feel a bit manic for about 3 weeks out of every month therefore I wonder if it is a hormonal thing as well. I used to have a lot of anxiety the day or a day or two before my period. Have you been reading the bipolar forum? It is a good way to get a sense of if you have some bipolar traits.

I just started doing that a few minutes ago. I think it just upsets me because I have such a list of diagnoses already.

Oct 28, 2016, 09:45 AM

"it just upsets me" -- just do it on a day when you are bored and not upset. You will enjoy it -- there are some pretty entertaining posts over there. LeftytheSalesman is a hoot (in a good way Lefty). After all, many of them over there aren't quite as...depressed as we can be over here (no offense to anyone here, this is my favorite forum).

Fuzzybear · Oct 28, 2016, 09:57 AM

I have a list of diagnoses too, some wrong, some maybe right...
(But what can we do in this prehistoric part of the jungle when they just make up excuses not to offer "help" unless we go inpatient... "Feeling low is normal" - "severe depression .. Your new normal" - these ?? things said to others. Wtf. I don't trust them (the "mental health providers") at all..

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