Need help

Hello everyone,
I used to think that I only recently became depressed, as I had a long string of notably "down" or depressed days that I never really bounced back from. However, after researching the topic further, I found that I had been displaying signs of self-loathing and dysthymic symptoms for a long time prior. I feel empty most of the time, and I have a tendency to over-analyze situations and discern patterns from them. Those last two pieces of information are notable because they create a greater sense of monotony in my day to day life. I tend to liken my life to a clock, in that I am certainly fulfilling some sort of purpose, yet each day feels like yet another cycle or loop. No matter what I do, everything is predictable, expected, meaningless. That is not to say that Myself and others are meaningless, simply that our day to day actions "Semantically Satiated" so to speak. In other words, yesterday is the same as today, and tomorrow as well.

To better combat this feeling, I tried to fill my life with other, new experiences. However, instead of feeling the excitement or joy that I wanted or had anticipated, I just felt as grey or as empty as if I was doing anything else. I couldn't find anything to bring happiness, only activities to keep me busy enough to make me put aside my emotions for the time being. I reached out to other individuals on other forms about this, and it was brought up that this may simply be purely a chemical issue, and that antidepressants could help. I reached out to my parents, however, they were largely dismissive of my state, and said that my feelings were caused by a dissatisfaction with the world around me (however they tend to be dismissive of any potential disorder that I or my sibling have been diagnosed with or shown signs of - so it should probably be taken with a grain of salt).

On its own however, this wouldn't be too bad, but as of late I have started to hate myself, my actions and who I have become. I'm sure many of us are familiar with the concept of wearing a "mask" of a different better person to keep up an appearance, while actually feeling a different way inside (one might even say that that is the reason this site was built). I put on this facade of a diligent, hard-working, and bright individual, but when no one is looking, I am a distracted, impulsive, and disgusting person. I isolate myself from others, I laze around for most of the day, when I do work in a class I end up making obvious mistakes, yet somehow I end up getting good grades thus keeping up my facade. Yes, there are times when I can say that I did good, moments that I can look back on without cringing, or wishing that I could change it - but those moments are outweighed by those that I regret.

I sometimes wish that people would see through me and know that I'm not really ok, other times I'm grateful that they don't. Does anyone else feel this way? If so, what have you done to help make it stop?

Hello BrownHat22: Well... without going into a lot of detail here, I will just say that I have had a lifetime of this. I've been hiding so long I doubt I'd know how to do anything else. I tried "coming out", as they say, once. I just ended up feeling exposed & foolish.

Perhaps it might have been helpful if someone, along the way, had noticed how badly I was struggling. But no one did. My personal experience has been that no one really cares. All anyone wants is for you to continue to play whatever role in their lives you've always played. And as long as you're willing to do so, they'll be more than happy to play along regardless of how much inner turmoil it may cause you to do so.

Thank you, at least with a forum like this we all don't have to go it alone then right?

Yeah, this is a daily struggle for me. I wish I had some tips for you but I'm at a loss.

I do have my fiance who spends so much time with me, he can see through all the b.s.. Other than that, only one person ever really noticed how messed up I was and he's not a regular part of my life anymore due to distance, time and just me not wanting to burden him with my issues. When these people have seen inside my head I feel so vulnerable that I "shut down", so to speak, and just push them back out. Even as I do so, I know I need them there, but I just can't allow that to happen. I don't know why I'm like this. I think maybe, I just need mental/emotional solitude and isolation. In my mind, it's my battle not anyone else's. It's my journey that only in anonymity, I will ever delve into and expose to others (like PC).
I think I may have found an outlet to feel and possibly begin healing my mind, but I've been wrong before. Maybe once I can heal, I can become someone I love and won't hate anymore. My self-loathing is my biggest adversary and my closest ally, all in one (as much sense as that makes).
Regardless, I'll be thinking of you. Don't be afraid to update us and feel free to message me any time. Best of luck to you.

That's how I feel as well. When I let my parents know about this, it was like I was uncomfortably exposed, it was definitely anxiety inducing, despite the rational part of my brain saying that I need to let others in. That was my main reason of coming to these forums in the first place, so if you ever need someone to talk to as well, just let me know.

I'll keep that in mind. Thanks, BrownHat22.