[Taonuviel]

Yeah, that's the problem, I've decided. I'm just too lazy to do anything. Too lazy to accept the idea of working to live. I'm so lazy it wouldn't matter to me if anything in my life changed, I still wouldn't be willing to live and deal with the rest of life. I don't believe it can get better, but I'm not even willing to put the work in to try.
I guess at one point I would've... like a year ago when I was willing to try anything, but I could find nothing else to try. Or a year before that, when I tried counseling but my mom made it too difficult... makes me wonder what I missed out on, how much different my life might be right now if she hadn't pulled me out of getting that help. Of course, while she's caused so much of the problems I'm left to deal with, when I think of how suicide would affect people, she's the one I feel the worst over. What's with that? I guess it just proves suicide wouldn't be an act of vengence for me.
Laziness... I hate the work of living. Really, what's the point? Christians would say to live for God, to give back to Him Who's given us so much, to live for Christ Who gave His life. I've failed horribly at that, left feeling guilty, useless, disappointed. Not that I'd complain to God on that... I ask Him why, beg to get an idea of what's up, but know it's me, not Him. The crap in my life hasn't always been my fault, but it's shaped me, and I've accepted it, and become it. That's how I explain my view that every person has hope... except me. That I've become something entirely defective, useless, lazy, selfish, disgusting... that that's what I am now, and there's no changing it.

[Rapunzel]

It won't always seem that way. I know that because I feel the same way when I get down, but I don't always think that I'm lazy and no good. My mother wouldn't have approved of me getting help for depression either. She was too interested in controlling my life, not giving me a chance to make it better. What I had to do was put a lot of space between us so that I would have a chance. It was hard, but I don't regret it. When you are up against a brick wall, job you don't enjoy, seeming like life is heading nowhere, and you are stuck where you are and it isn't worth trying, that's a sign that you are not on the right track, and are not doing what you really need to do in order to live your life according to your life purpose. It's time to think about what you would be doing if you didn't have the problems that you do now. Once you know that, then you can find your way to get onto the path that leads there. I know it seems like the obstacles are too great, but don't worry about that right now - we can deal with the obstacles as we get to them, and we can find a way over, under, around, or through that you just can't see yet. What is it that you really want to do?

(If thinking about what you want to do is too hard, give the antidepressants a little time to kick in, and then come back to it.)

<font color=orange>"Never forget: 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2."</font color=orange>

[hamstergirl]

You're not lazy. It's just that with this contemptible little ilness, it makes it impossible to do anything. The misery of living takes up all your energy.

You shouldn't live for anyone else but yourself. It's okay to ask God "Why?" (I'm doing it myself, trust me, I've written a prayer about it, openly asking him to take me home to Heaven. And I've prayed it in church. For two days in a row. This is day number two.)

But if you kill yourself, you'll never know "Why?" There's just this nothingness at best. And personally, I don't want my life to be for nothing.

Your mother's made you miserable. My father and mother have made me miserable. Life's too short. You don't need the stress of worrying about people who make you miserable, neither do I. All you need worry about are the people who don't make you miserable, but make you happy. Anyone who makes you miserable doesn't deserve your worrying yourself to death.

That includes your flesh and blood. They are the hardest to deal with.

(((((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))))))))

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.

[porfin]

Thanks, Tao, for sharing. You have made me feel like I am not alone. I struggle to get anything done and feel like I am unable to lead a reasonable life. I feel so lazy - all i did for days last week was to play solitaire. It allowed me to escape in a really mind-numbing way and, although I feel a certain sense of peace when I am mindlessly playing one game after another, I know something is way wrong.

For those of you who responded to Tao's post by stating that you have walked in her footsteps, are you still struggling? Does it get any better?

[Rapunzel]

I still struggle, but not always now. It does get better.

<font color=orange>"Never forget: 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2."</font color=orange>

[hamstergirl]

It's getting better, but I'm struggling every day not to give in to the monster. Now I have two illnesses to fight instead of one. I've been out socially for three days in a row and it took all of my physical and emotional strength and to look at me, you wouldn't even know I was on the edge. My eyes shine and I have a winning smile...when I feel like crying and I am full of rage. I have prayed to be "worn down" so that my emotional resistance willl break down and I will start letting the emotions out in front of other witnessnes.

I see my shrink on Wednesday, I can hardly wait. It's been forever since I last saw him.

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.

[wisewoman]

Hey, I stuggle with the fear of being lazy too. I think if I just tried harder it would be okay and i would be this highly functional person again. But, that is not what I want. I want a way to care for me and to have balance and happiness. Being lazy sometimes just means that we have to stop this rat race and take a good look at ourselves. What will it take for me to be able to work without it zapping my life force? What will it take so that I do not feel that I am the only responsible adult in this mad house I live in? It's a line between lazy and boundaries around self protection and survival. Peace to all of us.