[LostSoul17]

This is my first time writing on a public forum, so please bear with me. I am a 30 year old female who has struggled with severe depression since my early teens, basically more than half my life. I've had suicidal thoughts in the past and one attempt, but as of recently the idea is on my mind 24/7. From an outsiders perspective, my life looks pretty damn good, an I have to say it is. I have a roof over my head, plenty of food to eat, multiple cars to drive, physical health, and a very loving husband, all of which I am truly grateful for. This is where the guilt comes in. Having a brain that never shuts off, I am an incredibly deep thinker, and have always questioned and over analyzed everything. What's the point of life? What's my purpose? Why did I end up with this depression? And so on and so on... Sure this kind of thinking is probably unhealthy, but it's uncontrollable.

Since the onset of my depression (about 12yrs old), I have seen a multitude of therapists, psychologists, and psychiatrists. As far as anti-depressants, you name it, I've probably been on it. Over the years I have been diagnosed with clinical depression, generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, insomnia, and recurrent depression. I've read countless books on the topics of depression, brain health, spiritual healing, etc. All this to no avail. My way of thinking is absolutely killing me, and no offense to any professionals in this area, but I feel that none of them will ever be able to help me. You can't truly understand something unless you've experienced it first hand. No to mention, I HATE DRUGS. They never worked for me in the past and until a recent occurance have been off of them. Not saying they haven't worked for some, but I just don't believe in them.

Trying to understand where this depression came from has been plauging me forever. I grew up in a very small town. We were financially well off as my parents were both very well educated medical professionals. I am the middle of three sisters. Being rather secluded, we were forced to be creative in order to entertain ourselves. I had tons of incredible friends, and exceled tremendously in school. All in all, my biggest memory from my childhood was how extremely happy I was. To be honest it's the only time I can remember being happy.

At the age of 12 is when life changed for me. We moved from our small town to a much larger town in another state away from everything I knew and loved. Sure, families move all the time, but this seemed to have the most profound negative impact on me. Being at the most horrible stage in life for any girl certainly didn't help. It's almost as if I gave up and stopped caring at all. I had a very hard time fitting in to my new atmosphere. This was about the time when there was a major rift between my parents. My dad became not the easiest man to get along with. All throughout middle school and high school my grades took a tremedous plunge because I stopped trying. Honestly I don't know how I made it through to graduating. I was in such a deep depression that I pretty much closed myself off to the rest of the world. The only people I really hung around because they accepted me were the "stoners" (even though I was never one myself). It was probably midway through my junior year that I met Dan. After several weeks of his persistance I finally caved and we began dating. He was unlike anyone I had ever met, the eternal optimist if you will, and certainly my polar opposite. Boy did I cling to him. I couldn't imagine why someone so great wanted anything to do with me.

Being that I did so poorly and hated school so much, college was never really ever a thought in my head, even though with the greatest grandparents in the world it would have been fully funded (freaking dumbass). Knowing that I had to do something with my life and not wanting to lose Dan, I made the decision that I would end up regretting the rest of my life to go to art school. It seemed easy, was easy to get into, and only took two years. So I managed to eek my way through two more years of schooling. During which time my parents divorced because my dad finally came out of the closet. Needless to say I was desperate to get away from all that drama so Dan an I moved out together at 18, bought a house together at 19, and got married at 21. My life was on the fast track...way too fast.

Things started out ok, and we were moving forward in life it seemed. My first career was ruined by a disgusting pig old enough to be my father, who began sexually harrassing me. That turned into about 5 years of a horrible threatening work environment until one day I snapped and up and quit. This was my first experience with unemployment, and it was a horrible one. Not only did we almost lose everything, but I suffered from a very tragic miscarriage. It was like life gave me a glimpse of something joyful, something to look forward to, then snatched it away.

Blah, blah, blah, now six years, five jobs later, here I am, again unemployed with a marriage hanging by a thread in the worst state of depression I have ever felt. After being let go from my last job I almost lost it. I reached out to my mom which is very unlike me (it's never been in my nature to ask for help). She must have sensed how bad I was doing because the next thing I knew, my whole family was intervening on me and I was whisked away to an inpatient psychiatric unit. That itself was like being in hell. Anyways now I am on a combination of Cymbalta and Elavil still trying to make sense of everything.

The only conclusion I have been able to come to is that since the onset of my depression my entire life has been controlled by fear, including every decision I've made or haven't made for that matter. It kept me from pursing my education, kept me in cycle of the same old jobs that I absolutely hate, and kept me from developing or acheiving any real goals of my own. To be honest I have no sense of identity which I believe stems from having never been on my own. Dan has always been my rock and as much as I hate to say this, I think he has also been my crutch. He is still the most incredible man I have ever known and for the past several years has been working endlessly building a successful business, which I am incredibly proud of him for. However, for the past several years we have also been drifting apart. He has direction in life and is content where he currently is. I am desperate to move and pursue a different path in life focused more on my passions. I hate the cliche saying "I love you but I'm not in love with you" but it's true. That was the hardest thing I have ever had to say to someone. He is still very much in love with me and we have been trying to work through things, but always end up back at the talk of divorce. I feel this horrible guilt staying with him because I feel like I'm holding him back in life. At the same time I'm terrified because I have no idea how to live without him. Not to mention I have zero self confidence and don't trust myself to make any major life decisions.

Right now I'm at the biggest crossroads of my life. I know this sounds like a sob story, but it's not. Every opportunity in life was placed at my feet, but I have been too controlled by this disorder to make conscious choices. There's no one to blame but myself. I don't feel the slightest bit sorry for myself, and I'm not seeking sympathy or pity. I am just seeking insight from an outsiders perspective. Preferably someone who is familiar with suicidal depression. The guilt of feeling this way sucks knowing there are so many people out there in much worse situations or who have experienced life altering traumas. Am I too stuck in the past? Am I being selfish for wanting a different life? What the f*** is going on with me? I feel so incredibly lost, alone, confused, weak, hopeless and detached from the rest of the world, wondering if I will ever be able to find myself.

(((((hugs))))))

welcome to PC!.

I hope this site helps you

Welcome to PC.

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by LostSoul17

Trying to understand where this depression came from has been plaguing me...

At the age of 12 is when life changed for me. We moved...

There you go, and now it is for you and Dan to build your own life-as-one together. What advice does he have for the two of you?

[Clara22]

Dear LostSoul,
Thank you for sharing your story. I can feel your pain. You said you started going on this road of depression at 12. You remember a very happy childhood. However, I think the majority of the components of your depression were there during your childhood and many events and circumstances that helped shaping your depression occurred during your childhood. Even your issues with identity may have deeper roots than your relationship with your husband or the fact of that you moved to the bigger city. I bet that paradise during childhood you remember was not a paradise. The issue is our mind has a lot of mechanisms to exercise repression and to modify memories. Perhaps the majority of the stuff you experience today is related to your parents, their own identities, the way they relate to each other, their reactions and mechanisms, etc. I am not a psychoanalyst but anyway I think you would benefit from Psychoanalysis and from going deeply into your early experiences.
I apologize if I am giving you too much information. I don't want to overwhelm you and I do not know you but anyway I feel I have to tell you this. I apologize if I am causing you more pain o discomfort.
Thank you again for sharing your story.
Sending you a hug

[INFPCDN]

You said: "To be honest I have no sense of identity which I believe stems from having never been on my own..."

That's actually something I just spoke to my therapist about. I have always had a sense of a lack of identity, because I learned to rely on others to survive and became what they wanted me to be in order to stay safe...

She actually challenged my long-standing belief and it kind of blew my mind, because honestly I felt like I didn't really exist, and didn't believe I could exist without someone else... she told me it was the identity I have that made it possible for me to get through my life. It was 'me' who chose to live that way, to take care of people who could take care of me, I posses a deep emotional intelligence to be able to sense what people want or need...that's my personality trait, and becoming the 'people pleaser' if you will, is how I learned to use that personality trait as a way to survive.

But she said that people pleasing is a behavior and not my identity... she said the identity is all the things that I know about myself that helped me get to where I am now. I wish I could give you that same awareness, because I can totally understand how you feel!!! If you can separate the learned survival behavior from the personality you always had (long before you moved in with your hubby, etc because that person never left, she tagged along for the ride) you might see what I mean.

[Shazerac]

sorry you are hurting

[LadyShadow]

Reading your story struck a cord with me. I have Bipolar I and have suffered on and off with the "depression" pole my whole life. The first step to understanding your illness is forgiving yourself for the past and all that you've done, the job, the family, even the hubby.

Seeking therapy is the best thing for you, and through your hospitalization you may be entitled to some aid due to your frail condition so you may want to look into some programs that could get you funding.

It is quite normal to want to aspire to things and make something of yourself. You have your own dreams too, and one day you will see that you are more than what people have told you, or what you have even told yourself.

Stay strong and keep posting, I am here to talk if you need a friend.

Hugs!

[MickeyCheeky]

I hope this forum will be helpful to you

[JustJace2u]

Welcome to PC. I am sorry you are hurting, but I can relate to you on almost every level. I was diagnosed in my teens with Seasonal Affective Disorder and more recently with Bipolar 2 Disorder. It has always been hard for me to really come to terms with who I truly am, and what my real purpose on this earth is. It got to a point recently that I was having such bad SIs I ended up in the hospital. I hope you find this site helpful.