[starryprince]

Hey all. I see a therapist and a psychiatrist and I was prescribed Lamictal. However, I've taken other antidepressants in the past and the side effects were horrible (seizures, itching, nausea, etc.). I'm afraid to take Lamictal. But I feel like I might have to start taking it because of what's happening.

My fuse has been so short and I'm constantly irritable. I just graduated with my masters degree in counseling and I'm proud of myself, but I'm not happy. It's as if something is missing. My mom and I hung out today and I apologized for being irritable. She was honest and said that she feels unhappy and sometimes she thinks she would be better off if she was alone because she doesn't know how to interact with me anymore.

This just came as a shock to me because my mom is the only person who makes me happy, yet sometimes I feel like she doesn't understand where I'm coming from. I try to talk to her and sometimes she stays very quiet. Sometimes she just doesn't know what to say. So I keep things to myself.

I'm just so sad right now because the last thing I want to do is make my mother sad...Yet, I can't fake being happy...I'm going through some things right now that she doesn't know about (such as starting my gender identity transitioning process) and it's all just weighing on me. I'm uncertain about the future. I'm terrified it'll take me a long time to find a job. I don't want to make her sad.

Idk what I'm trying to ask for here. I just really wanted to get my feelings out in a community that would understand me.

How do you deal with making family members unhappy because of your depression?

Thanks a lot in advance.

[MtnTime2896]

In regards to your mom, mine gets sad, too. It's honestly just something moms do when they can't take away their kids' pain like they used to. It's hard for me to talk about, so I won't go heavily into it, but I have these two nephews. In my eyes, they're my kids and I love them as if they're my boys. And they are. Well, I went through a situation when I couldn't take their pain from them. I didn't fully understand their pain and that's the first step to being able to help someone; I couldn't even do the first step. I would never want them to hold secrets from me simply because they don't want me sad. Sure, I might get sad, but if just listening so they get things off their chest, is all I can do then I want to do it. After all, they're my boys and I'll always be here. Even if they're not anymore; but I won't go into that right now. Like I said, it's a painful subject.

In regards to my own depression towards loved ones, I know exactly what you're talking about. I don't like the idea of making my mom sad, but I know she's going to do it anyway if I'm not open with her. Do I tell her everything? No, but I tell her enough to ease her mind in regards to just being able to listen. When my fiance's so worried about me that he calls throughout his work shift and he's sad because I am, that hurts a lot. I'm suppose to be his rock and make him happy, so when I can't it tears me up (though he's told me many times I still am, but I need to learn to let him be that rock, too).

Is there any specific reason you haven't told your mom about your transition?

[starryprince]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

In regards to your mom, mine gets sad, too. It's honestly just something moms do when they can't take away their kids' pain like they used to. It's hard for me to talk about, so I won't go heavily into it, but I have these two nephews. In my eyes, they're my kids and I love them as if they're my boys. And they are. Well, I went through a situation when I couldn't take their pain from them. I didn't fully understand their pain and that's the first step to being able to help someone; I couldn't even do the first step. I would never want them to hold secrets from me simply because they don't want me sad. Sure, I might get sad, but if just listening so they get things off their chest, is all I can do then I want to do it. After all, they're my boys and I'll always be here. Even if they're not anymore; but I won't go into that right now. Like I said, it's a painful subject.

In regards to my own depression towards loved ones, I know exactly what you're talking about. I don't like the idea of making my mom sad, but I know she's going to do it anyway if I'm not open with her. Do I tell her everything? No, but I tell her enough to ease her mind in regards to just being able to listen. When my fiance's so worried about me that he calls throughout his work shift and he's sad because I am, that hurts a lot. I'm suppose to be his rock and make him happy, so when I can't it tears me up (though he's told me many times I still am, but I need to learn to let him be that rock, too).

Is there any specific reason you haven't told your mom about your transition?

Thanks so much for responding. It's proving to be a very difficult night for me...Hearing my mom say that really shook me to my core. I don't know what to do, or if there's anything I CAN do. Thanks a lot for being open as well. What you said about not understanding your nephews' pain puts things in perspective for me. I think my mom can't understand it either and that's one of the reasons she's sad. I just don't want to be a burden.

I haven't told my mom about my transition because I don't think she'll understand. I've actually tried to explain to her different gender identities and she didn't get it. All what she said was, "If that makes you happy, then that's that". But she kept confusing gender identities with sexual orientation. That and she made a comment a couple of years ago about how she believes that people who are trans are going against God. She's gotten more religious and, with that, more open-minded (which is interesting since people become more conservative as they get more religious).. But she just doesn't understand trans issues. She's cool with me being queer, though. Idk if any of this made sense. It's difficult to explain...

[MtnTime2896]

No, you made sense. My mom surprised the hell out of me when my little brother began his transition (female to male). Conservative as hell and is not just accepting of it but trying to learn more about it (she was misinformed, much like your mother).
From my perspective, try not to think yourself a burden on your mom. Trust me when I say being a parent is hard, and especially difficult when you can't save your kid's world, but it's not ever a burden. Ever. You want to carry your kid's weight so that they can have a better chance. It's selfless. You want the world for them, and regardless if they let you, you'll work your *** off to make it so. You're not a burden, you're her kid.

[MtnTime2896]

"She was honest and said that she feels unhappy and sometimes she thinks she would be better off if she was alone because she doesn't know how to interact with me anymore."

She sounds frustrated. My mom said that same thing once when I was twelve. She left me with my dad a few months after and I watched her out the back window as my dad drove off. I truly believed I made her so sad that she didn't want me. Turns out, she was going to get help and get better so that she could be a better mom to me. I didn't learn this until I was eighteen.
I don't think you have to worry about your mom leaving you but I think that your mom is in a similar place as mine was. Wanting to figure some way out to be able to understand, again, maybe? I don't know, I'm not her but she does sound similar to that certain experience with my own mother.

[Fuzzybear]

[starryprince]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

No, you made sense. My mom surprised the hell out of me when my little brother began his transition (female to male). Conservative as hell and is not just accepting of it but trying to learn more about it (she was misinformed, much like your mother).
From my perspective, try not to think yourself a burden on your mom. Trust me when I say being a parent is hard, and especially difficult when you can't save your kid's world, but it's not ever a burden. Ever. You want to carry your kid's weight so that they can have a better chance. It's selfless. You want the world for them, and regardless if they let you, you'll work your *** off to make it so. You're not a burden, you're her kid.

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

"She was honest and said that she feels unhappy and sometimes she thinks she would be better off if she was alone because she doesn't know how to interact with me anymore."

She sounds frustrated. My mom said that same thing once when I was twelve. She left me with my dad a few months after and I watched her out the back window as my dad drove off. I truly believed I made her so sad that she didn't want me. Turns out, she was going to get help and get better so that she could be a better mom to me. I didn't learn this until I was eighteen.
I don't think you have to worry about your mom leaving you but I think that your mom is in a similar place as mine was. Wanting to figure some way out to be able to understand, again, maybe? I don't know, I'm not her but she does sound similar to that certain experience with my own mother.

Thanks a lot...I really needed to read that, especially the part that said that she doesn't see me as a burden. That was my first thought, that maybe I was becoming a burden to her and what was the point if I was a burden to the one person who made me happy. I think you're right; she is frustrated. I'm not sure if I should sit down and talk to her. I can't thank you enough for commenting. It really helped ground me and took me out of a dark place.

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

Thanks a lot Fuzzybear!! I appreciate it!