[ARflowerstar]

Hi all, I am a 15 year old girl living in Canada. I'll just start with some background info. On January 27 2016 (Almost a year ago), at the age of 14. I attempted suicide for the first time. I was admitted to the children's psychiatric unit for 2 weeks and got a diagnosis of depression and generalized anxiety disorder. The next couple months I was struggling. Attempted suicide couple more times (overdosing), and I Barely went to school at all. Failing everything since I never went. Then in May, 4 months after the last admission, I was admitted to the hospital again. I was put on a Form 3 (forced to be admitted for at least 3 weeks). My form was actually renewed again and I was in the hospital for a little over 6 weeks. This admission was absolute torture. Being put in restraints, fighting off security, running away from home every time I had a pass to go home. I even escaped the hospital once and I went to a drug store and stole some pills and overdosed. (I was found and taken back). During that time I was also having trouble with food, I even stopped eating and drinking for 4 days and my blood pressure and heart rate were suffering so they had to put me in restraints and I had to have an NG tube which was absolutely horrible. They were seriously considering putting me into the eating disorders unit for 2 years. But I hated NG tubes and having my bathroom locked so I couldn't purge. So I slowly started eating again. I got discharged and I got a new diagnosis along with the other 2, Borderline Personality Disorder. The next 2 months were absolute torture, my family didn't even know me anymore. All I could ever say was I hated them and hated living with them and that I would rather die than live with them. My counsellor just made everything worse and I would leave her sessions feeling worse than before I saw her. There also was another admission but it only lasted 3 hours because they didn't want me being violent and they didn't want me. Then, my counsellor had to leave and I got a new counsellor. My new counsellor, changed my life. She made me laugh, our sessions only consisted of laughter, even when talking about depressing topics. I was seeing her in an intensive program where I saw counsellors, psychiatrists, and had group therapy several times a week. That program lasted 12 weeks. I did actually have to be admitted in one point but that was only for 3 days because they still thought I'd be violent. Then, I started a new program. A day treatment program. So 5 days a week. I'm still doing it. It will last a whole year. It's actually a special school for people with mental illness. There are special education teachers, and counsellors in the classroom at all times. There only like 5 people per class and theres only 2 classes. We also have individual therapy with a psychologist 2 times a week. And we see the psychiatrist once a week. I have only done 2 weeks of the program so far. Anyways, that was a LOT of backround information. So for the past 3 months I've been feeling more down than I've ever been. I honestly barely leave the house. in fact I try not to and I have to beg my parents to let me stay home. The whole day I sit on the same couch until it's time for bed and then I go back upstairs.The only time I ever go out is for school. So the last 2 weeks have been Christmas break and since theres theres no school, I have spent every single day on the same couch. Too tired to do anything. I have no motivation to do anything. 3 months ago I was doing Taekwondo 4 times a week, Dance once a week, Volunteering with kids who have disabilities once a week, and I went out around 3 times a week. I got a job 3 weeks ago. I had 2 shifts, called in sick for my 3rd shift, they haven't called me since. Probably will be getting fired. I can't do anything. Time keeps going by, and school starts again in 2 days. I won't be able to do any work, and I might not even be able to have sessions with the doctors properly. I don't feel like talking, I feel like there's no point in anything. I have a suicide date which I have mentioned to my psychologist, but we just talked about why I want to die. My suicide date is Jan 27. The day I attempted suicide for the first time. The day I should have died. Honestly don't worry about the suicide part, I will be discussing it with professionals. It's just that I feel so horrible. I feel like it's the only way out. I really want to start enjoying things again. But I can't. I can't enjoy anything. I have been on a bunch of medications. I have been on Abilify, Zoloft, Olanzapine, but none of those worked except for Olanzapine. I had to stop taking it because it made me gain a massive amount of weight. Now I take Luvox and Trazodone for sleep. All Luvox does is help me with my thoughts. Not with depression, but it has helped with anxiety a bit but its still unbearable. I just don't know what to do.

[BrownHat22]

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. It's important to not lose sight that you are capable of getting better though. Just as that new counselor was able to put you on the path of recovery, you are capable of getting better again. I know that it feels like a loop, like you'll get better only to crash at a later date, but this does have an end. Don't give up hope.

[gayleggg]

I'm sorry you are so depressed. As BrownHat said you know that it can get better. But you have to work with your treatment team to get to feeling better. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Good luck to you.

[Skeezyks]

ARflowerstar: I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. There is a lot of support available here on PC. Hopefully being here can be of some comfort to you. Please keep posting!

[vikingr48]

Yes, you have had a rough time. Depression is a hard monster to beat but it is beatable.

All the comments so far are spot on to me. We say, don't eat the whole elephant. One bite at a time. Reduce what you think are complex problems to solving one part of the puzzle at a time. And celebrate when you find an answer, no matter how small.

And give yourself credit for trying to get out of the mess.

Please stay with us.

[puzzclar]

I have dealt with depression and had a variety of different diagnosises, I get it. I can't say it gets better but it does get easier. The suicidal thoughts get less intense. I have been like this for 10.5 years, maybe longer. I don't know exactly how long but I know that by working with a 12 step program it does get easier. You see, there are a lot of horror stories in my past and the steps help me to see I am not alone! If I am not alone, you are not alone!!

I know life hurts and it doesn't seem like you can be happy, I've been there! Still am but now I can help other people and that helps. Take you're struggles and turn them into a way to help ALL people.