[meowmixxx]

So I am going to a therapist for the first time in my entire life this week...I'm anxious and scared... I finally made this decision as I have come to the realization that seeing my friends and boyfriend succeed makes me feel so worthless.

Every relationship I've been in (serious relationship that is) turns out well and then my partner succeeds and starts costing though life. Wonderful opportunities happen, they excel... And I'm stuck in the back watching it all. Not to mention I've coincidentally end up with men who have well off families and grew up having everything in life anyone could ask for. I on the other hand didn't. I was abused, my parents split, I was emotionally and physically abused as they fought over us kids. My mother tried to commit suicide... All this was my grade school and junior high days. Until I removed myself at the age of 16 and moved out.

The guy I'm with now is a dream. He is absolutely everything I could ask for. Flaws and all. But now that he's switching careers and going back to school where his parents are supporting him, where money is no object due to a family inheritance and I get to watch it all... And I think about how if only i grew up with a complete family, with family I didn't have to run from. With a family that didn't hurt me or abandon me. Who could support me and let me do the typical graduate from high school and go to college. If only i had that I could have been successful. A confident person. But I'm not. And I will never have the time or money to do that. Hell my dad owes me money. At one point he owed me several thousands of dollars and took years to pay me most of it.

I want to stop seeing other people be happy and hating myself for not being able to change my past. Because I hate myself. I feel like a failure. The only reason I haven't killed myself is because I'm afraid to fail at that.

So therapy it is. And maybe medication. I already suffer from anxiety and adhd. I'm on adhd meds now... I'd prefer not to be on anything else. But I can't lose someone because I can't get my **** together. He already knows what triggers me. And he can't do anything about it. It's gotten to the point where I'm constantly paranoid my depression will scare him away. And I'm afraid my paranoia about that will... So if anyone had any advice... Anything to help. I'm willing to take it. I'm so scared of losing him

Possible trigger:

and so scared of finally succeeding at suicide.

[mar33]

First off I want to say that it is amazing that you have decided to seek help. That is more than I have been capable of lemme tell ya.

As for the guy you're with, first determine how much he cares for you. Actually. Not where you try to overthink the situation or see past it and into your own flaws. Try to just see him. Then let the love replace the fear, and try to be yourself. If you are afraid of how he sees your mental illness, try to wait and discuss it with him so he knows that sometimes you might need more support.

As for your background, don't let it haunt you! When I suffered from abuse when I was young, I would abandon all hope of becoming anything. Now I try to see that as the starting point, and to improve. It feels kinda irritatingly optimistic but sometimes optimism helps you to realize that truly your past doesn't have to define you.

Now I am not qualified in any way shape or form but I wanted to express my opinion, and I realize what it's like to fear losing someone who is like a lifeline- and it's honestly terrifying. I could say there is significant hope and change in everything but there's not. It's just how you choose to see it that helps.

Much love and I wish you luck.

ave

[MtnTime2896]

Not everyone gets that kind of upbringing, just the way things are. I'm not saying that to invalidate your situation or the hell you've been through, as I've gone through a very similar path myself. You already took the step of looking for help, that's something to be proud of because it's difficult as hell. I noticed you commented on my post on the SoA forum. So, I'll reply to you here and just mix the two responses. What I did today, by telling my T what has happened to me, briefly (I didn't go into extreme detail), I opened myself up for the first time allowing someone outside of this site to really look into me. Really look. It took almost five months for me to be comfortable enough to do that. I had to be absolutely sure that this was the guy I was going to expose that part of me to. There's a lot of shame within those memories and a lot of self-hate. I don't expose people to that side of me, ever. Doing it took a lot out of me, today. You don't have to go that far in your first session. You can keep it as basic as, "I've dealt with a good amount of childhood trauma that I'm not comfortable talking about just yet," and if they're a good therapist, they understand this. Hell, you might not even have to tell them that much. Hopefully, they're a certified trauma therapist. That will make this process a lot better in regards to your mental health.

Welcome to PC, by the way.

[meowmixxx]

Thank you both for the advice and support. I'm really hoping I can work through this because I'm just tired and exhausted of feeling like this. As much as I tell myself "I'm not really like this, this is gonna pass..." this is who I am, and these episodes don't just pass. Not fast at least. Sometimes it days or weeks.

I'm really happy I found this place. I don't know anyone who deals with depression as I do. I mean I have friends and family say that "everyone gets sad, it's just a part of life". But not everyone is sad for extended periods of time and contemplate not existing. Someone yesterday told me I just need to "flip my switch." God... I wish.

I hope I can make some connections here. I think I already have and it's nice knowing that I'm not the only one who's dealt with this.

At the end of the day I want to be happy so that ultimately I can make others happy because that means the world to me.

[Fuzzybear]

Welcome

[meowmixxx]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

Welcome

I wanna feel warm and happy like a polar bear!