Acceptance

I accepted a long time ago that I was a lost cause, if anyone knew I even existed in the first place. Help others because I'm beyond my own chance of recovery. But my heart still beats and my lungs still fill with air and release it out again. I'm essentially alive. A machine that's been properly refurbished to do it's job. Fulfill it's purpose. What happens when that purpose is taken away and replaced with dysfunctional madness?

Then, I have people trying to save me. Me? What the **** is this? That's not suppose to happen. If I can't help then I must leave because I'm no longer any good. What happens when they don't listen and they keep trying to help? Don't swim out to me, I'm too far and you'll drown before you reach me. If you reach me I'll pull you down at my side and then reach the surface again once you've touched bottom and are lost to the deep. But they come with a boat and beg me to get on board. Surely, I'll **** up the boat and we'll all drown together. I cannot allow myself onto the boat. They drag me on board, anyway, while I kick and scream, "I'm a lost cause, now let me be. Let me hit the bottom and feel the peace I seek." They don't listen.

A long time ago, I accepted that I was a lost cause. Now I'm trying to accept something that scares the hell out of me. Hope. Hope that I can be saved and that I can return to shore. Due to my history with hope and how often he's fled, this terrifies me. What if he leaves again?

This is beautiful. I'm so glad you have a moment of hope. I have hope for you.

I'm so glad you had a spark of hope--I think it's been a long time coming for you, but it did come. I know you're scared of losing it again.
And, Oh my dear, of course the boat's going to tip and leak. Boats do that, life does that. It's not your fault if storms come up and the waves get high. All we can do is bail out together and sail on.
If hope flees, row after it. We'll pull the oars with you

Maybe you're just afraid of losing hope because you have been hopeless so long. Sometimes the pendulum just swings the other way in life. Since you have been in utter despair for the longest time, as you return to equilibrium, just being stable is going to feel great. And happy is the best when you have been recently depressed. It's why it is so worth it to hang on. So keep on hanging on--you are worth it and you have great potential!!!

I'm so glad you're starting to find hope again.. and I understand your fear, trust me but I'm sure you can do it. You're strong - always remember that

It is good you have hope. Hang onto that.