looking for some feedback

hello, I'm a 20 year old male living with serious depression and cant quite find the balls to talk to someone face to face. So out of any other options and on the brink of doing something permanent, I went online to try and find some support.
All I can think to say though is how I feel everything started which would be all the way back to when my parents got divorced, I was in 6th grade when my family started to fall apart its started with the fights then the mental games, and then violence and it got to the point where my parents literally expected my brother and I to choose sides. In turn that broke my brother and I apart and created a hatred for one another that I still believe lasts to this day. While this was happening I was also the victim of bullying at school and when I got home by my brother and his friends. One time my brother beat me bad enough to make me have an asthma attack and as I lay gasping for air on the ground hoping I didn't suffocate he looked at me and laughed and taunted me and this went on for at least 2years the bullying didn't stop until I was in 9th grade. Both my parents were alcoholic drug abusers and my father was the worst of the two because not only did he strip me of basic satisfaction or justification he never showed me how to be a man in fact he showed quite the opposite and I hated him for it so I went to live with my mom. My life was ok for about a year and a half but then came the bad influences and drugs which through me deep into the dark underworld of crime violence disrespect and hatred. In 8th grade I had a 4.0 grade point average gold honor roll all that played sports and had a girlfriend who broke my heart after a year long relationship because I didn't want to have sex yet I was in 8th grade! I went to church regularly and devoutly believed in god. I through that little anecdote in the middle so you could see it wasn't always rain cloud in my life but that fact that I was that high made the next stages of my life even harder to take. Anyway back to the timeline, Half of ninth grade through to the beginning of 11th grade I was a drug addict hard drugs, meth, heroine and everything in between the best part was (sarcasm) my own mother and brother were there with me. We lived in a apartment at first we soon turning it into a drug house where we would stay up for days on end sometimes weeks selling and stealing anything and everything we could to get more drugs I did countless horrible things I stole from my own family lied to them also. I witnessed some things no one should she ever and it still haunts me even now as I type each word I feel the premature sweat collecting on my brow that inexhaustible flow of adrenaline that came with being insane. that went on until the summer of 10th grade by then we had moved from the apartment to a small house and then to another house all three were used as drug houses. One day something switched inside my head and I kicked everyone out and tried going back to school. At school I was called a crackhead, nasty, untrustworthy, even my own childhood friends turned their backs on me and I remember a lot of days at lunch just sitting by myself wondering why. I Had no one and ever since then I just feel like I'm picking up the pieces of my old life. I managed to graduate I had two friends no girlfriend and no plans for the future and here I sit almost three years out of school more alone then ever in a constant hell I call life just searching for something to keep me going I am addicted to marijuana and really want to stop but I think I'm just so afraid to actually live that I cant stop. Please I need some actual input from another person and my apologies to anyone who thinks I'm coming across as thinking my life is the worst ever because I know dam well its not but I do know how I feel and I literally want to end it all.

Hello skizzle360nw: I'm sorry your life has gotten off to such a difficult start. Hopefully coming here to PC can be of some comfort & support. I see this is your first post. So... to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.

One additional forum you may want to check out will be the addictions forum. I would imagine you will find a number of members there who have had experiences similar to those you describe:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/addictions/

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

You know what's very promising about your story? You already made some very hard changes, positive changes. You got this! You have a lifetime to learn what matters to you, what you want to do or be. Start with a hobby and go from there. And make the therapist appointment. I was so scared my first time that my knees were literally shaking, but it was the best step I ever took...way, way too late. I wish I'd gone at 20.

I trick that worked for me was doing something nice for myself after each therapy session, a treat of some sort. Just a thought.