What do you do....

When talking no longer helps... When the only meds you can tolerate don't lift the mood enough anymore...

I feel like I am shutting down. Some days I'm so low and desperate for someone to help me through it - yet I can't bring myself to call a crisis line. It all feels too overwhelming, too much effort to explain, so I don't.
Been in and out of counselling with different counsellors for the past 5 years. Now it's just for maintenance. I'm all talked out.
I finally realised that the only person who can change things in my life, is me. No one else can do it for me. But it doesn't seem worth it anymore.
I accepted a long time ago that one day I would end my life. It is no longer a question of if, but when.

I feel the same way... Suicide is conflicting. I know that when life ends, that is final, and you might never know how it felt for it to get better. But also the pain every day is exhausting. Are you in therapy? I can't explain myself well to my T but I usually write her a letter. That way I can vent, but it doesn't feel to personal and scary oh I don't know. I'm trying to find hope, but it's like trying to breath underwater with a normal set of lungs. Just drowning.

Good luck please live

I am sorry you are feeling so low. I noticed on another post that you are trying to hold onto a job and caring for two. That sounds like a big burden. Sometimes our jobs use us up and inside we get angry because of stress or unfair policies/decisions. And if your workplace is like this and you can't walk away, it takes a toil. Or maybe you disagree in some way with a loved one but don't express (holding emotions in can take a toll on us). Or maybe a loved one is sick or has challenges that are stressfull. I don't know. However, I was in a deep depression for years and finally got therapy for it. I found that really digging deep and figuring out what I was angry about helped me. Sometimes we turn our negative emotions or experiences in upon ourselves. It took more than a year of therapy. Posting here helped too. I don't know if any of these things might apply to you....Just trying to give you some ideas hoping something will help you. If you don't end your life--things really might get better. I know it seems impossible in the state you are in but it could. My life has many ups and downs. Had my attempt been successful, I would not be experiencing my current up. Don't give up on trying to recover from your depression, sometimes, things eventually change...

Please, don't kill yourself.. you CAN get better. We care about you here

That, my friend, is a step forward.
Believe in yourself. It will take time, but you are able to establish a life of your own.
Talking from personal experience - building hobbies such as music, aquariums, exercising... All those things can make you feel better and better, knowing that you accomplish all of those by yourself.
I can tell you that I still have such feelings. But I know them well, so I am not startled by them. Instead, I embrace those feelings.