[finestitcher]

Hi, I am new to this board. I am 58 yrs old, and I have survived much in my life time. I just joined the PTSD board, but need this board more...
I have been in and out of therapy since I was 15 yrs old. I take 300mg of Effexor daily.

I survived the ugliness of my childhood at the hands of my mental unstable father to the point that my sisters and I don't have any memories of holidays, birthdays, etc. or anything else about your childhood...except the fear that we still hold on too...sadly.

I survived the neglect of my husband of 17 yrs...now deceased.
I survived one attempted suicide in 1985.

I survived the abusive behavior of my son, who was neglected by his father. Whether this lead to his abusive behavior, I don't know. I do know though that he still scares me today when I am around him...he is 33 yrs old now. He has begun to process his behavior, which I am greatful for and has begun to control his angry outbursts, but this has not helped me feel safe. My fear of him many years ago during his teenage years was so great that I would simply freeze in my tracks or seat, waiting, just waiting...

I have terrible issues with male beings. It is very hard for me to be around males. They make me feel insecure and vulnerable. I have been single for 22 years now.

I have a progressive neurodegenerative disease for which there is yet to be a cure.

welcome to the forums....you sure have been through alot but i hope that it comforts you to know that you are never alone when you're here........

[jmo531]

Welcome. You are a very courageous woman. You stumbled upon a great forum for support. I have been here a little while and have made some great friends and have received tons of support. I am sure you will have the same experience.

((((((((finestitcher)))))))))

[MyBestKids2]

Welcome finestitcher

This is a great community with lots of kind supportive people. I am hopeful you will find a little bit of something to help you with everything. Nice to have ya!!


Dee

[finestitcher]

Thank you for the kind welcomes.

Survival in this world was never to be easy for me, I just didn't realize it until a few years ago.

My mother use to say to me, "You're day will come." Her meaning was that my day to have a happy life was just around the corner...NOT!! I was constantly asking her to please stop saying that because it was not true.

Then the day came about 15 years ago when she finally apologized, for her relentless optimisum of my life. I don't know that I have had a single year so my 58 years that has been without one crisis or another. And now I will end my live in a state of physical decay; progressive neurodegenerative disease...what a way to live...disability income and all

My dx is Major Depression Disorder. Run of the mill depression, with a bit of PTSD in there, as well as moderate self-injury from time to time. Yes, both my psychologist is aware of all my little secrets, as is the Psychiatrist who manages my MDD meds.

I am in the joyfull...well, at least the government seems to think it is a good thing...Medicare RX donut-hole. My psychiatrist was just this morning sympathizing with me over the cost of Effexor, while he filled my sample bag...there are some good things in this gloomy world we live in...pharma samples

(((((((((((Finestitcher))))))))))) Owwwie. I'm sorry you've been through so much pain.
I can relate to being afraid of men as I was abused by the hands of my bio father too but I don't think mine is as severe as yours. It really bites about your son- I hope he recovers. Is he married? What about his children? Ug!
I'm sending lots of good thoughts and wishes your way.
Ps. WELCOME TO PC!!!! I know you'll find a lot of amazing people with strong shoulders you can cry on and great advice.

[finestitcher]

He is not married and has no children...thank goodness...getting handle on his anger is paramount to a successful relationship with ANYONE!

[wickedwings]

(((((finesticher))))) wow, you sure had more than your share in life. i know because i did, too. i totally understand what it's like to live with a "progressive decay" of physical living. although i'm not "decaying physically," i had a stroke over 1 1/2 years ago at the age of 33. now, i'm 35 and feel so freaking old. of course, this can also be a symptom of depression. i have treatment-resistant depression where none of the meds work or work for a very short time. i'm lucky to survive the stroke and recover fully physically, i sure don't feel lucky at all. yes, although i had mdd since i was 20, it has complicated my depression. just wanted you to know that you're not alone.

[finestitcher]

Goodness a stroke at 33...not fair at all. Glad to hear you have recovered...that is something to be grateful for.

Sorry anti-depressants don't work for you.
I would no longer be living on planet earth without them. I am quite sure of this I did attempt suicide in 1985...may be a long time ago, but it is not an experience one ever forgets. Was a very very bad time in my life 1985 and 1986...worst years of my life...hands down

The only recovery I have enjoyed is after a car accident...young woman ran a stop sign in 1994, four days after my official neurodegenerative diagnosis...a "banner" week...four surgeries and 18 months later I was whole again. Lucky I didn't lose my right leg though. Did have spinal fusion in 1995 because of the acceident.

Life marchs on though, and here we are today! Lucky to still be live on planet earth. At least that is what I hear.

Welcome, hope we can help you as we help each other.........



Tucker

That's great that he's caring enough about the people around him and himself to get the help he needs. He probably got that from you.
(((((((FineStitcher'sson)))))))

[recluse1]

(((((((finestitcher)))))))) big hugs to you. welcome to PC. your road has been a long and painful one i can see. hopefully we can be a light for you. so many great people here to meet! please feel free to join in chat as well, great way to get to know people.

hope to see you around,
recluse1

[finestitcher]

Pickle, I don't know that he got anything from me, but I do know that when I took him to the airport a year ago to return to his US Army base after a two week leave at home, I heard so much I needed to hear, but at the same time didn't want to hear;e.g. how he realizes he doesn't know how to have a relationship with a girl, he realizes he missed all his teen years, etc. etc. Was very painful for me to hear him, but also it was good that he had this insight into himself.

Right now I just want him to survive Iraq. That is paramount at the moment.

Thanks for the hug ((((((back to ya)))))
Carolyn

[finestitcher]

recluse1, I will try to remember to check the chat rooms. I assume DocJohn still goes there Tuesday at 9am. I saw that somewhere. I tried the rooms on Tuesday night, but it was almost 10pm and no one was there at that time.

Thanks for the light!!

(((((back to ya)))))

God, I'm sorry Carolyn-he's in Iraq. That's really scary. I don't think that is going to help him much because now he'll have ptsd on top of his anger.
I'll say a prayer for you both.