[whisperingskye]

So it's coming up to the fifth anniversary of my first major suicide attempt. I normally try not to dwell on this as I know it's not healthy, but I keep finding it creeping back into my thoughts. There is little I can do to ignore it so maybe I need to write it out.

Every year I always half think "well it's a good time to try again" but I don't think I ever really mean it. But I keep thinking about it now. Even when I am not actively suicidal I still find myself coming up with the next date to try (and succeed). So yes, this is the next date. But I have to keep reminding myself I can't. I have a lot planned for this year...I'd be letting too many people down.

I just hate that in the five years since I woke up in hospital and realised it didn't work I still feel the same way about it. Regret that I was still breathing. Disappointed. Determined to do it right next time. I feel like I will never move on from that.

The fact is I still hate living. My life has got steadily worse since that attempt. I am stuck and can't seem to change it.

I don't want to live. I don't know what will change that or what will make me stop trying to make that happen. I just can't keep on like this.

[Fuzzybear]

I have no answers The last 4 to 5 years have really sucked for me...I haven't made an attempt - I can understand how this anniversary causes so much pain for you

I won't give the usual advice of meds and therapy

Although I do think a good therapist could help..
(Over here they are... hard to find as you know so well )

I hope writing on here helps a bit

[Fuzzybear]

I am guessing that more here feel similarly than it might at first appear from the number of replies (so far)

Not that having others feeling similar helps much (or at all, I wouldn't wish this **** on anyone..)

I can certainly relate to quite a bit of what you posted... different circumstances, similar feelings.. same "help" or lack of it irl from professionals for the past ...years

And yet I'm still here, this may sound like cliched bull but somewhere I suppose both of us have a purpose, I know what one of mine is - being here for papa bear - and I suppose being a resident bear on pc.. doesn't stop the wish to not be on this planet

I'm sending safe love (at the risk of being annoyingly repetitive to some.. if the professionals (irl - uk - maybe there are some good ones though....) had that ability to love in a true sense of the word.. my guess is some of us wouldn't be needing to post here on pc )

[East17]

Originally Posted by whisperingskye

So it's coming up to the fifth anniversary of my first major suicide attempt. I normally try not to dwell on this as I know it's not healthy, but I keep finding it creeping back into my thoughts. There is little I can do to ignore it so maybe I need to write it out.

Every year I always half think "well it's a good time to try again" but I don't think I ever really mean it. But I keep thinking about it now. Even when I am not actively suicidal I still find myself coming up with the next date to try (and succeed). So yes, this is the next date. But I have to keep reminding myself I can't. I have a lot planned for this year...I'd be letting too many people down.

I just hate that in the five years since I woke up in hospital and realised it didn't work I still feel the same way about it. Regret that I was still breathing. Disappointed. Determined to do it right next time. I feel like I will never move on from that.

The fact is I still hate living. My life has got steadily worse since that attempt. I am stuck and can't seem to change it.

I don't want to live. I don't know what will change that or what will make me stop trying to make that happen. I just can't keep on like this.

(((hugs)))
It's coming up to 3 years for me. Like you, things have got worse since and I always regret not having succeeded.
Just wanted you to know that you are not alone in feeling this way.

[Skeezyks]

Well... I done it twice. I have little or no recollection of either time. So I don't dwell on either of them... don't pay any attention to the anniversaries. One thing I'm coming to realize is that the older I get, the less any of it matters anymore.

[Frankbtl]

Hi whisperingskye

It sounds to me like you've put a lot of thought and effort into trying to move on from then and the way you're feeling, so I'd say that you do need to give yourself a lot of credit for that
And some of the things you've mentioned do work really well for some people.........trying not to dwell on things.........planning things and reminding yourself of them........using the thought of other people as a motivator.........so you seriously have done fantastically from that angle..........seriously well done!!!
But I'm just wondering whether maybe some of those things may not be working for you as well, as they don't for some/even lots of people.........you know different strokes for different people..........
The thoughts of not letting people down.........well you feel how you feel, and perhaps when things are hard that could lead to you feeling guilty, that you might not be able to live up to "expectations", that you have to "put on a mask".........and those things have to make things even harder for you???
To me, struggling as you are..........that's not about letting people down, feeling as you are, you're not choosing any of this or the way you feel........and hopefully people who matter would be compassionate, caring and supportive towards you if they knew......so maybe it needs to be much more about you and letting some of those people who matter "walk with you", support you more through this???
And planning things and reminding yourself of them can be great.........but equally if you're not as "passionate" about them.........as will come with depression........and they're longer term.........
Although maybe if you narrowed some other plans down a little........??? As in, plan something weekly, which can be smaller but personally meaningful if you can think of anything??? Like you could phone someone every xday, you could go somewhere (a place) every yday, you could try writing something every zday..........and that could even tie in with little changes in your life........sometimes they can add up..........
And........you've already nailed the last bit about trying not to dwell on things........yes, the feelings are real/very real, the feelings are there, and they're not going away........I'd absolutely agree that it may be good to really acknowledge them, instead of in a way "bottling them up"/trying to avoid them.......so really good idea on writing them down
And keep on sharing with us as well, hey?? I know there are lots of people here who can offer support

Alison

[Fuzzybear]

I'm not sure that "dwelling" on things or not is necessarily within our control... but I would say you're doing the "right" things It sucks when the self hate or whatever the core pain is... over rides all our best efforts... it doesn't always have to be so ...

I can hold hope for others more than self.. for what it's worth

[Rohag]

Personal Opinion: Acknowledging what you cannot ignore is wise.

[whisperingskye]

Thank you all for helping me feel not so alone, because I have been feeling really alone in this. It's not something I can discuss irl.



Frankbtl I think you hit many nails on the head with your comment, and thanks for that. Definitely helps me to feel less "wrong" for feeling like this.

I just feel like it should be easier by now...

[Fuzzybear]

How can feelings be "wrong" ..

I know it's probably "normal" to have this instilled in the "collective unconscious" - that some feelings are wrong..

Personal opinion.. feelings are never wrong

(Now I'm "doubting this statement" but oh well.. )

(Obviously, some actions or even non actions can be wrong)

[whisperingskye]

You're right, feelings can't be wrong.

And yet if we don't think and feel as expected they slap a label on us and try and medicate/talk it out of us.

Sorry, I think I'm just a bit (a lot) bitter today

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by whisperingskye

You're right, feelings can't be wrong.

And yet if we don't think and feel as expected they slap a label on us and try and medicate/talk it out of us.

Sorry, I think I'm just a bit (a lot) bitter today

Don't worry about feeling bitter, I think it's "normal" under the circumstances ...

What you say resonates with me as well... they love labels don't they grrrr

[Frankbtl]

Hi whisperingskye

Yes, feelings are what they are
And it's not about being "wrong"/not fitting into some "norm".........the part of the "norm" is that depression exists, we wish it didn't but it does......and no-one is immune to it.......some people might not want to/be unable to acknowledge how real hard that can be.......and where it can lead......if someone is experiencing it but........it is what it is........and you're not "wrong".........you're "hurting" and that should/does matter
And there are people, certainly on here, who do "get" that, who do understand

As for.........it should be easier by now..........sometimes depression can "run it's course", although there's no time scale on that (!!).......so no "should"'s (!!), give yourself a break
But lots of times not, and it takes a "little more"..........and you have been trying "a little more" in the things listed, so again kudos!!!!
It's just that..........you've tried them, and that really is great...........just time to look for some things that work better for you........
And letting things out/sharing with others/reaching out for support.........well that's something that depression can seriously silence in you..........but you've already done/are doing so well in that........that is a massive step...........again, no "timescales" and no "should"'s, and I can't say it's going to get better "just like that"..........wish I could but...........well now you have another powerful tool in your armory..........so keep talking, keep sharing, you aren't alone

Alison