ever just feel like a curse?

Man so many bad things happen to me/my family, i'm starting to feel like its not bad luck anymore, im just a curse. For every good thing that happens, 10 bad things happen. The bills are pilling up (they already shut the cable off), my car has broken down yet again, even more tension in my marriage, no friends to talk to and the one that stuck around is so depressed that i dont know what to do, i just feel kind of worthless. Like my husband works 2 jobs and i work one that doesnt pay crap and we have absoloutly nothing to show for it. We cant even get our bills straightened out. Anemia is getting to me, and of course this stupid low self esteem and body image is blinding. I used to write and play bass and i just cant get my thoughts together to do it anymore. it's like i've lost everything. I came home to get some things and just exploded on my husband. I've never gotten to angry, so loud, so upset. I did grab a knife, but he stopped me. I haven't cut for at least a year, but i keep thinking of it, like i long to do it, and it takes everything in me to not give in. i dunno, im just rambling on, my thoughts arent together. just wondering if you guys know this feeling/have felt it.

*~in my field of paper flowers, candy clouds a lullaby, i lie inside myself for hours, and watch my purple sky fly over me~*

take some iron pills, three a day, there is life after cable, try ot get on disability to suppliment the income, and........ yes, there are thousands of people who have felt the exact same way.

"don't kick the puppy" ~ j.e.p.

You're not the first to feel you're cursed. Not only do I think I'm cursed. I think my whole family's cursed. My father lost both his parents at 18, was left with a severely retarded, physically disabled brother on his hands. He had to put him away.

8 years later, he has me. I have behaviorial problems, I'm kicked out of school and my parents send me away for 1 and a half years to a psychiatric institution. There is yelling and screaming in that house so bad that I have to emotionally disown my parents.

Then things really get ugly.

From 1983-1986, I have a series of operations that can only be described as horrific. I can't go into detail now, but it was a nightmare and left me with permanent damage and psychological wounds which have yet to be treated. At 21, I have another operation that basically disables me further, forces me to wear a cathethar and will eventually force me to take morphine for constant pain in that part of my body. I'm convinced I would have been better off without the surgery, but my parents talked me into it, then griped at me when things didn't go so well.

After being convinced by a friend that my father was abusive, I walked out on my family and into a life of poverty, depression and total isolation. My parents found out I was leaving the day after my 22nd birthday and rather than wish me a Happy Birthday and wishing me well. They let me have it and they let the friend who was with me have it, because he wasn't the parent of a disabled child. My father nearly got into a fistfight that day...over me. They said to me that my scoliosis would return by the time I was 30, a virtual death sentence in my eyes and then shortly after, they stormed out, leaving me totally alone. Thankfully my friend was there for me.

I spent the next 11 years battling depression, paranoid thoughts and complete isolation. I would go into the hospital, get treated for depression, build up a good system of social supports and then systematically tear them down again, get sick and enter the hospital again. If I hadn't met Doug and joined the Church, that cycle would still be going on. I might have even died, with the way things are going now.

Last November, the constant pain hit and I've been holding constant vigil at the church. Though I have wanted to commit suicide, something always happens to stop me when I ask God for help. At one point, Father Lindsay made me promise not to harm myself and at every point where I have wanted to commit suicide, he convieniently shows up in the street or phones me, especially when nobody knows about my suicidal plans but me.

I may think I'm cursed, but I am blessed and loved by God. The curse is an illusion. I see this now and I think it's the same way for you. You are not cursed, but blessed. Your emotions only make you think you're cursed. Emotions are tricky things.

I received the final proof that I am blessed last night. I wish I could say what it was, but I can't. I know I am blessed now, even though God has no reason to bless me.

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.

I have severe anemia too. It got so bad that on Memorial Day I was passing out and extremely weak. The next day I went to the doc and my blood pressure was 92/48....no wonder I couldn't do anything! I started taking iron immeciately and I feel tons better physically. Iron pills are pretty cheap and there's also some prescription strength that are really good...which is what I take. If you feel bad physically, it affects how you feel mentally.
Tracy

~TracyC~

wow, im sorry to hear that. *hugs* but you are feeling better physically? yeah iron pills make me sick to my stomach and i end up vommiting for some reason. and you're def right, the way you feel physically can affect your moods. i hope you're doing well!

*~in my field of paper flowers, candy clouds a lullaby, i lie inside myself for hours, and watch my purple sky fly over me~*