[PlanningtoLive]

I am also so far underground the last month or so. Out of desperation I sent an email to my T (the one who has banished me for 6 months) praying that he would answer me and maybe have a referral.

In shock today I saw that he had indeed responded. Before I even opened it, I was crying hysterically. I realized how much I have missed our sessions and having him there to talk to, no matter what. He had no specific referral, only to come to the hospital if I feel too self-destructive and that he would forward a copy of our contact to my doc up there.

I couldn't stop the tears or the pain. I need to talk to him so badly and his rejection causes me more pain than just about anyone else's. Right now with work issues and other things, I seriously need him and the fact that it doesn't matter to him just rips me into pieces.

[hamstergirl]

I went through this with my therapist. It took a week of hospitalization as a psych patient to change anything. I never did make it to the psych ward, there were no beds. I spent that week on a medical ward, away from my 'Net friends. Being in a hospital screws with my mind and they wouldn't believe me. Not until it was almost too late.

I hate it when therapists don't care and tell you to call 911. That's some way to comfort someone.

A warm furry hug for the first person to come to my rescue.

There is a thing more crippling than cerebral palsy: the prison of your own mind.

I'm so sorry! I had a therapist like that my first time around. I found a new one. Perhaps you can use this to make calls for a a new therapist. Ask them about there outlook on the therapist/client relationship and look for key words about caring and being available. You deserve someone who will be there. There may be something about your therapist that makes him/her unable to be there or it just may be the training that they went through, but its nothing about you that is rejectable. You deserve compassion and care

[Fuzzybear]

I am so sorry that your therapist has done this. Although I don't think it (necessarily) means that you don't matter to him, I totally understand how it feels that way. I have been through a similar thing, although in my case, the therapist actually did say that he didn't care about me ... or he certainly implied it by saying he felt very "indifferent" to me. I do know that therapists sometimes find "borderline" very hard to deal with, and they sometimes break their usual professional boundaries to try to help, because they really do care ... but then they sometimes suffer burnout and perhaps become "indifferent". I do know that there are some truly good therapists out there, although I haven't found one (I have only seen that one abusive therapist, and an incompetent counsellor) Don't give up on yourself, Mary Alice, you are worth more than that therapist, if he has truly rejected you ... but perhaps he honestly doesn't know how to help at this time, while someone else could. I have waffled too much but I will leave this here .... ((((((((((((((((((Mary Alice))))))))))))))))))

[SeptemberMorn]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I've been down that road before. That particular therapist still isn't returning my calls... Well, at least the last time I called her. I gave up a long time ago.

I'd like to remember her with affection and gratitude but I just can't because of the silent treatment she gave me when I really needed her. No explanation, no excuses, no nothing except a whole lot of UNproffesionalism and immature behavior.




<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

[(JD)]

This must feel terrible.

However, your T did answer you. If he didn't care he could have ignored your email!

I can't recall why "he banished you for 6 months" but obviously he still feels that he is not the one to currently counsel you:

He DID say he would send your correspondence "up" to the hospital to the doctor there for you: that means he knows how difficult it must have been for you to write whatever you did, and he would spare you having to say it all again!

That you feel he is the only one you can talk to concerns me, and perhaps the attachment you have for his therapy IS too strong to be constructive right now?

It is a good thing that you emailed him, I think, and to me, his reply shows he is a good guy and wants you to receive the care you need.

Maybe some of your upset is because we all want someone else to solve our problems the way we want? Actually, we just want others to fix us, in any way they see fit! He obviously batted the ball back into your court.

You need to continue to advocate for yourself, do what you need to to be safe.

<font color=blue> meditation is a true way to connect to the Source </font color=blue>

[Rapunzel]

Are you going back to him in September? It does hurt to be cut off. My former T will answer my e-mails (sometimes), but personal issues are off limits and I can't go to him for therapy. I home that yours knows what he is doing and will be able to be more help to you when you go back. In the mean time, talk to us here if you can't find anyone else you can talk to.

Love,
Wendy

<font color=orange>"Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm. - Winston Churchill "</font color=orange>

[PlanningtoLive]

Thanks for answering everyone. I sent him another email last night (figured I have nothing to lose) and held my breath. I asked him what was going to happen in September because that is the only thing that is keeping me going.

He did respond (again, more tears) and told me that we will sit down, discuss where I am, what I want from therapy with him, and then maybe continue working together.

It is horrible knowing that the one person that knows more about me, inside and out, than anyone else is distant. Never have I opened myself up to someone that much, and I never will again.

I can't talk to someone else......I've tried, but the surface me won't let them get in - too much pain. If I could take the time, I would go into the hospital again for a week and keep myself protected.

I'm trying to hang on till September. I may not have a job come July 11th and if that happens, the bottom will fall out for me again. It will be the last straw - I will have failed again. In the meantime I can feel the darkness moving in.

On a different note, although with the same theme, I haven't seen my parents in almost a year - not by my choice. Ever since my mom hurt herself last year falling off a ladder, then the flu, etc. she has refused to let me see her. I could care less what she looks like, I just want my mom. I talk to her, but it isn't the same and it isn't like she is young anymore. Her health is bad and if something happens to her too................

I am just such a ray of sunshine these days.......[sigh].

[Fuzzybear]

I am with you there in the pit, Mary Alice, and I can relate ... more than you know

My T was a lot like yours, only more incompetent and callous ... as for my parents and others, I won't go there ...

***Hugs***

[PlanningtoLive]

I'm beginning to like the darkness, Fuzzy.........at least it's familiar.

[heatherm]

(((((((((((((Mary Alice)))))))))))))))

Know that we are all here for you hun. You are so loved and cared for. As Fuzzy told me....keep hanging on. That is my motto right now......maybe it should be all of ours. Us sisters are a lot alike .

Love you xoxo


Heather

[PlanningtoLive]

Thanks for the card, Heather. You are such a sweet person.

I'm kind of in limbo at the moment, wondering if I have a job past 7/11.........I have been working 10-12 hours per day since last Wednesday and will continue doing so until this coming Sunday. My boss went on vacation and I am running the restaurant.

This state of limbo is not helping my mood - if I lose my job after almost a year, I will just throw in the towel. If I am lucky enough to keep it, I have to learn to keep my mouth shut and not get upset when things are not done the "correct/company" way.

I hate inconsistencies and double standards. They offend my sense of ethics and drive me crazy. This week so far has been hard because I do something and hear, "Well, I'm going to wait till ****** comes back and talk to him and get this write-up thrown out".............excuse me??????????????? I have as much authority as my boss, I just don't kiss the employees' butts.

Sorry, I'll get off my soapbox. I also had the other semi manager come into the store last night intoxicated and probably tripping on pot. I called the DM and enlightened him - I can't stand this kind of crap. [sigh] Back to the hole.


<font color=red>Don't you just hate it when life doesn't follow the manuals? - Author Unknown</font color=red>