[Lolo1309]

Exactly what's in the title. I don't want to spill out my life story here as I'm sure you don't want to read it, but I'm at my wit's end and I don't know what to do anymore.

Pretty sure I've had anxiety and depression to different extents throughout my entire life, although I wasn't diagnosed (with GAD) until I was 18. Went through a slew of SSRIs, none of which did the trick. Was off medication for a while, did decently. During this period, met a boy where I worked, moved in together and got engaged.

Over the next couple years, things slowly got pretty bad. Horrible anxiety, intrusive thoughts, depression that wouldn't let me get out of bed. My GP tried a couple more SSRIs, made things even worse. I got to a point where I felt like I was going to snap, like I was losing touch with reality and like I'd be best if I just got 'locked up.' Went to see a psychologist, and after the first session she said I was easily diagnosable as having OCD, which is the first time I'd heard that even as a possibility.

Anyway, as of about 3 months ago I was started on Luvox, now on 100mg, and Buspar, 10mg three times per day.

I have no clue what to think. Within the first week I had panic attacks and delusions a couple times. I was terrified and again thought I was going to get locked away, but my husband says with these meds sometimes things get worse before they get better. Things started improving, I still had occasional bad days, but they were much farther apart than before. I started the full 100mg about 3 weeks ago, and I just don't know.

I'm just not happy. It sounds so stupid, and I know it hurts my husband because he thinks it's something he's doing or that I want something else, but it's not that at all. I realize I have the life I always dreamt of. Everything is perfect, but my brain is just so ****ed. I buy all these crafts and video games and stuff that I know I'll love and I know will make me happy, and then I get home and just.... sit there. I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to be with people. I just want to lay in bed and forget every thing. But somehow at the same time, I'm so ****ing sad because I have no friends and I'm scared the way I act is going to make him not love me anymore. I'm scared that I'm going to wake up one day and be 40, and I will have wasted my life quite literally doing nothing in a depressed stupor.

But I don't know what to do. If I tell my doctor my meds are working, she'll leave me on them and they may not improve at all. If I tell her they're not working, I'm scared she'll take me off them and put me on something new, and I'll be wasting another huge chunk of my life waiting to see if they'll make me happy... but at the same time, I don't want to have to take any meds, because I feel like that makes me a real, official crazy person.

[BlueMerleGirl]

I don't have a lot of advice but I have empathy. I too have what many would
Consider a perfect life at the moment and I often struggle with anxiety and depression. doesn't sound quite as severe as yours but it is definitely bad enoogh. I've had depression issues since high school that only got worse with some tragedies that happened in my life in the last few years. I too worry about losing my husband's love. I struggle with exhaustion and I don't know if it's mental or physical. Like yesterday I stayed in bed half the day. And I think about time going by and wasting it just like you.

Be honest with your doc about your meds and say they are helping you but you are still having issues, and maybe you can add meds to what you're taking. I hope you figure it out and feel better soon.

[Fizzyo]

Hi Lolo,
Welcome to psych central.
Sorry you feel so bad when life looks good from the outside.
I know what that is like, living with depression when your life is good in all important ways.
I guess just being honest with your doctor that the medication has helped....up to a point and share your concerns about changing.
3 weeks isn't long when it comes to mental health medication so you may feel more benefits over the next couple of months.
Maybe some talking therapy if you can have access to it to help you with your efforts to do things and make friends.

I was lucky, my husband agreed to couples counselling and it really helped us. It also helped him to understand my depression better and what small gestures etc. can help me.
It also helped me to understand better how he thinks and what he might need.

Best of luck as you try to find a way forward. I hope you find help and support here, people here have helped me through some very dark times and I hope you find encouragement here too.

Welcome to the forum!

As for your concern - do you see a therapist?
From the sound of it, you've only used the aid of medications.
It may be biased as I come from a family I think is solitary compared to average families, but as we grow we tend to feel more lonely.

I'd love to hear from you

[Nammu]

Have you tried DBT or intensive therapy along with meds? Maybe the meds need a push from coping skills?

[Sunflower123]

You're not alone. I can empathize totally. I hope you start feeling better soon and I agree you should tell your doctor the totality of how you are feeling on these meds.

[dd665]

A couple of things you mentioned resonated with me.
Firstly, don't be afraid to try new medications. There is no 'one size fits all' and what works for some will not work for others. I have been on several throughout my life. I know it's a pain having to start all over again each time but if you find the one that clicks, it is incredible.
Secondly, it is easy to beat ourselves up for not being happy despite what appears to be a perfect life. I have a wife, 2 children, lovely home, my health and eat 3 meals a day. I am aware a huge percentage of the world would kill for this. Sounds great ? I have suffered all my life. It doesn't matter what we have, our minds are the result of our childhoods. Mine was pretty awful, so despite the life I am leading now ('perfect' like your own) I suffer greatly with constant suicidal thoughts and belief that I am worthless.

Have you looked into your own childhood through any kind of counselling ?