I Ruined My Life.

Went to the fair today. I was having fun until my friend took a picture of me and I saw how much bigger I am.

I broke down for the first in forever.

So much bigger because of a 90 pound weight gain from Zyprexa because a psych doctor said I was bipolar. Definitely wasn't the case. I see a new doctor now and said I have depression.

Now I only take Lexapro and Wellbutrin.

I did this to myself. Trying to put a label on myself.
Crying for help in the wrong way.

I was a student at an university, but now I'm lazy and live off disability. I know some people really need it, but I'm capable of working. I want to go back to school so bad, but I ruined it. I could be graduating May 2018. I stopped going to school and never ruined so looks bad on my record. Not even once, but three times. I still kept labeling myself. Still depressed and would rather sleep all day and not deal with anything.

Why was I so weak then?

I graduated high school with honors. Definitely, can't be that good now if I even return to school. School was no problem at all, but my mind went a mess.

Too expensive to go back. I have bad credit from hospital bills.

Oh AND Facebook I know is a problem seeing everyone going on in life. Going to school, getting married, having babies...all that. Having lives. I feel behind. I'm 21. I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years almost, but we can't get married (I don't think) with the disability I get and it's helping us live and I wouldn't be able to make as much as I do working somewhere with a high school diploma.

I don't want to live like this. I'm tired of it.

When I look at myself, I'm a completely different person.
It disgusts me how much weight I gained. I used to be 117 and got up to like 207. Now, down to 193 (but with no work besides stopping antipsychotics in August).

I think that should be my first goal. Lose weight. It will take a load off literally. I was told my cholesterol was kinda high, but doctor said I'm young and I can fix it before it's too bad.

Also, for help, I need to stop Facebook. I deleted the app.
It's hard to fully quit when friends only want to communicate through Facebook messenger instead of actually text messaging. (They even have my number). Also, I tried deleting in the past but friends beg me to be back on it. I don't post anything. Just people like tagging me in things to show me something funny.
But with Facebook I find myself mindlessly scrolling to waste time.

I try to make routines and I'll be good for a few days maybe a week or two and I end up again with no motivation and sleeping all day. However, I am a lot better than I was before but still poopy at times.

I have hobbies to do but no motivation.
I want to learn Japanese for example.

Ugh. I'm sorry for blabbering, but I just got done crying to my boyfriend about these things but I feel like he doesn't fully understand.

So...

How do find motivation in times when you don't feel like doing anything?
How to make a good routine?
How to follow it?
*biggest issues*

I'll figure out school and etc later. First goals: lose weight, feel more confident, occupy myself more instead of social media. Self-healing basically.

Good luck, NikoleS. I wish you well.

I've been through most of your issues at one time or another. The weight gain due to Zyprexa, hating how you look in a photo, failing a semester of school due to depression and having to go back and clean up the mess, having no motivation and feeling sad about Facebook. I understand. You're not alone. It's tough. I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. Zyprexa is just no good as far as weight gain is it? One bright spot: you are already losing the weight! Congratulations! I don't have any advice for you regarding motivation because I'm struggling with that myself right now but wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you. You'll find good support on this forum. Please be gentle with yourself. Depression is vicious. If you need to talk or want to go more in depth with these issues I'm here.

It's not too late to get everything back.
You are off zyprexa...so that's a huge start!!
Instead of fb Go on You tube and look up weight loss journey videos. They are really good for motivation.
also look up "ted talks" and google their videos for things like depression self esteem ect...also very motivational.
Once you are healthy again and feel good about yourself the rest will come easier!

Facebook is crap anyway. I deleted mine again recently. Well, I started the process to delete it. It takes 2 weeks. But I get similar guff from people over being skinny. I'm able to eat like a horse and burn it off, so people keep saying I have a 'high metabolism' which I'm not sure is rudeness or a compliment. And sure, I look thin - that's true. We cannot help the way we are. People can be over or underweight, and if others don't like you, that's their problem.

I used to have a high metabolism before Zyprexa.
It's not so much people I'm worried about. It's me. I'm in shock because of the big change. I still think I'm skinny, but I look at a picture and think "omg no way".
And it's a compliment I think when people would say I have a high metabolism. Now, I hear "oh you look 'healthy'"
I'm more judgmental of myself rather than others.

I've watched the weight loss videos before. I thought were so cool. They're motivation, but it wasn't enough.
Seeing that full body picture of me was crazy.
I'm in shock. I didn't think I looked that bad.

Ted Talks are interesting.

And once I lose weight it would relive a lot of stress on my body and mind to heal more for sure.

Just motivation is super hard for me.

Did you take Zyprexa?
How was the weight gain and did you lose it?

No motivation sucks. I try to force myself to do things but I feel like it's not enough.