[East17]

I feel so lost.
I don't belong here.
I have a house but it isn't my home. I have a job, but feel like an imposter who has no right to be there.
I don't belong anywhere...
I've been in counselling for the past 5 years, yet I still have suicidal thoughts.....
I am a lost cause.
I am not worth fighting for.

[Fuzzybear]

I wonder where the message comes from that it's your "fault" you "still" have suicidal thoughts after 5 years counselling...

For what it's worth, many here are also battling suicidal thoughts (including me..) and some for a very long time. I'm very sorry if somehow the "system" irl has contributed to these feelings of not being "worth it"

[East17]

I've been told over and over, that the only person who can change their life is me....
How I feel is my fault.
Why I can't change is my fault.
I am not trying hard enough.
I'd be sorry I was letting everyone down, if anyone really cared... I told him I felt suicidal today.... He said just do it then...
Sums it up really. I'm worthless.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by East17

I've been told over and over, that the only person who can change their life is me....
How I feel is my fault.
Why I can't change is my fault.
I am not trying hard enough.
I'd be sorry I was letting everyone down, if anyone really cared... I told him I felt suicidal today.... He said just do it then...
Sums it up really. I'm worthless.

Am I right in thinking the professionals in the "real world" (uk.... ) are telling you this?

I have heard before that professionals give some of these messages in the uk.. I'm not sure I'm qualified to advise you but sometimes I wonder about some of the things they say .....

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by East17

I feel so lost.
I don't belong here.
I have a house but it isn't my home. I have a job, but feel like an imposter who has no right to be there.
I don't belong anywhere...
I've been in counselling for the past 5 years, yet I still have suicidal thoughts.....
I am a lost cause.
I am not worth fighting for.

Everybody is worth it - and nobody is a lost cause until they are gone. You do belong somewhere - you just haven't found that place yet, and that's ok. I'm 42 and still searching for the place I feel comfortable enough to say "this is where I belong". Some people never find that place. The search for it is what keeps some people feeling they have a purpose and once they find it, they have a hard time finding a new purpose. So don't worry about not feeling you belong. Just worry about doing the best with what you got til you get to the next stop on your path of life. Living in the moment is what matters. The past cannot be changed. Tomorrow may never get here. Now might just change everything forever - depending on what you do with it. If you don't like your job - take this opportunity (now) to start your quest to find another. If you wish to move - take this opportunity (now) to start your quest to figure out where to move and how. Do whatever makes you happy. You cannot control others or how they think or react or feel. You can control you and how you think and react and feel. So why not do all you can to be sure you feel the best you can?

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by East17

I've been told over and over, that the only person who can change their life is me....
How I feel is my fault.
Why I can't change is my fault.
I am not trying hard enough.
I'd be sorry I was letting everyone down, if anyone really cared... I told him I felt suicidal today.... He said just do it then...
Sums it up really. I'm worthless.

That's putting it very simplistic by someone who obviously does not understand.

Here's a basic look at how it works

Let's pretend you get to work late because of construction on the road and your boss jumps you about it and threatens to fire you if it happens again. You try to explain, but he ignores you and walks off.
You can:
a) get mad and quit
b) get mad, but keep your mouth shut but don't really pay much attention to what you are doing and possibly make a lot of errors
c) wait for him to calm down and try explaining again
d) start looking for a new job and quit asap

Now - depending on what would make you happier (to keep the job, or find a new one) eitger c or d is best option but a or b are the gut reactions ...

You cannot control the road construction or traffic
You cannot control your boss reaction to you being late nor his action of beligerance
You CAN control your reaction to your boss

By controlling your reaction - you will control your overall mood and behavior, thoughts and feelings

Our decisions have a lot to do with our moods even though it's not an obvious coorelation

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

Am I right in thinking the professionals in the "real world" (uk.... ) are telling you this?

I have heard before that professionals give some of these messages in the uk.. I'm not sure I'm qualified to advise you but sometimes I wonder about some of the things they say .....

They do that crap in USA too ... That's why I stopped depending on them for help and just taking tge bits and pieces of info I could from them to help me

[East17]

The psychological therapies appt I've waited over a year for got cancelled at the last minute... Extenuating circumstances, not their fault, but doesn't help me...
They promise support in theory but in reality deliver nothing.

What I think doesn't matter.
What I feel doesn't matter.
The professionals irl have done what they can. It's not their fault I can't be fixed.
I don't know what I want, if I could do anything, I wouldn't know where to start or what that was.
I don't know what to say, do, feel, think. Auto-pilot.
A worthless waste of space.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by East17

The psychological therapies appt I've waited over a year for got cancelled at the last minute... Extenuating circumstances, not their fault, but doesn't help me...
They promise support in theory but in reality deliver nothing.

What I think doesn't matter.
What I feel doesn't matter.
The professionals irl have done what they can. It's not their fault I can't be fixed.
I don't know what I want, if I could do anything, I wouldn't know where to start or what that was.
I don't know what to say, do, feel, think. Auto-pilot.
A worthless waste of space.

I'm sorry you've had to endure so much bs from those paid to help

[BlueMerleGirl]

I battle suicidal thoughts on a regular basis and have for probably 5 years. I've had counseling and meds, so don't feel alone. You aren't the only one. It helps me to remember that suicide won't help me feel better. It doesn't provide relief. You have to keep trying and live to get the relief you desperately seek. Good luck.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by East17

The psychological therapies appt I've waited over a year for got cancelled at the last minute... Extenuating circumstances, not their fault, but doesn't help me...
They promise support in theory but in reality deliver nothing.

What I think doesn't matter.
What I feel doesn't matter.
The professionals irl have done what they can. It's not their fault I can't be fixed.
I don't know what I want, if I could do anything, I wouldn't know where to start or what that was.
I don't know what to say, do, feel, think. Auto-pilot.
A worthless waste of space.

I would like to offer suggestions, but only if they are wanted ... and only because you sound like you are going through the same thing I went through with counselors...

[East17]

Anything you have to offer would be greatly appreciated.

Trust broken......
I text Samaritans tonight, anonymously or so I thought, not contacted them since December 2016, yet when they replied, they knew my real name... How is that possible...?

They are not supposed to keep communications longer than 1 month.... It's been nearly 4....How is that possible...?

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by East17

Anything you have to offer would be greatly appreciated.
I text Samaritans tonight, anonymously or so I thought, not contacted them since December 2016, yet when they replied, they knew my real name... How is that possible...?

If you ever gave them your name on anything they probably have a file...

Ok - so to me it sounds like your self esteem is really low.
The first thing you need to do is simply force yourself to quit saying anything negative about yourself either to yourself or outloud.
Do the same for thinking negatively (ie "I can't do that)
Instead turn every negative you think of into a positive - and then add a reason at the end of the statement as to why it's true.
(ex I belong here because I live and breathe and I don't need permission to be here.)

The next thing to do ... realize your counselors are humans that are separate from you. What donI mean by that? They can give you all the advice and suggestions in the world (same as me) but nobody except you knows how you feel from moment to moment, so the best thing to do - is to try to listen to see if they tell you anything new that's useful... as far as techniques for relaxation or coping.

Otherwise, write out letters (that you dont send) to anyone that ever hurt you or was the center of an event that hurt you (ex my mom died n i wrote one about her death). Explain how you felt before the event. Then detail the event (how you felt n what happened n what you saw n etc). Then how you felt immediately after. Then how it has effected you since. Then what you would need to move on.

There are many relaxation things and coping thingz I can reccommenx but those are the best for healing. Remember tho... Counselors are not healers in the magical sense n downright suck sometimes so yes get what you can from them but do not rely on them.

Originally Posted by East17

I've been told over and over, that the only person who can change their life is me....
How I feel is my fault.
Why I can't change is my fault.
I am not trying hard enough.
I'd be sorry I was letting everyone down, if anyone really cared... I told him I felt suicidal today.... He said just do it then...
Sums it up really. I'm worthless.

I don't like being told that it's my fault that life isn't going as well as I would like. I feel that it's wrong to be told that and it's inconsiderate for others to imply that. There are certain situations that happen that I could walk right into that I'm not crazy about from the start. I honestly try to make the best of it. Almost all of the time it doesn't work well for me.

All I can say is just keep on being you. I'm pretty much up there in age myself and I feel like I'm still searching for that right thing in my life. My job seems like it's the right thing for me with the work and the people there. Though I had seen better days in the past. Outside of my job, nothing else is falling into place for me.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by East17

The psychological therapies appt I've waited over a year for got cancelled at the last minute...

I'm so sorry.
Crushing discouragement...

They promise support in theory but in reality deliver nothing.

[Fuzzybear]

"They promise support in theory but in reality deliver nothing"

Exactly this

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

"They promise support in theory but in reality deliver nothing"

Exactly this

I agree... Which is why I said listen only for the techniques, methods, tips, etc... never words of encouragement or understanding ...

[East17]

Originally Posted by East17

I've been told over and over, that the only person who can change their life is me....
How I feel is my fault.
Why I can't change is my fault.
I am not trying hard enough.
I'd be sorry I was letting everyone down, if anyone really cared... I told him I felt suicidal today.... He said just do it then...
Sums it up really. I'm worthless.

It wasn't anybody from the MH profession, it was my husband.
How could someone who professes to love me say something like that...?

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by East17

It wasn't anybody from the MH profession, it was my husband.
How could someone who professes to love me say something like that...?

That's called emotional abuse - and I have been through that kind of abuse. It's not about love. It's about control. If he keeps you on the string ..seeing the glimmer of a hope of happiness of love... then totally makes you feel like crap and embarasses you - he can control you. Because then you will do anything to get that love and happiness back. That's what it's about - control.

[Sunflower123]

At the risk of getting bashed for this I'd like to say I've gone through maybe a dozen therapists to get to one who is really helpful to me every time I see her. I got lucky. I picked a number of therapists that my insurance covered and just started calling. She answered the phone.

I am so very sorry about what your husband said. That was cruel and not helpful. I am in no way advocating this action but I was married for 20 years and during this time I was diagnosed. My husband didn't believe in mental illness and became verbally and emotionally abusive to the point that I divorced him. I felt like I had no choice for reasons of sanity.

You are worthy. Keep holding on. You're not alone. I'm here if you need to talk.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

At the risk of getting bashed for this I'd like to say I've gone through maybe a dozen therapists to get to one who is really helpful to me every time I see her. I got lucky. I picked a number of therapists that my insurance covered and just started calling. She answered the phone.

I am so very sorry about what your husband said. That was cruel and not helpful. I am in no way advocating this action but I was married for 20 years and during this time I was diagnosed. My husband didn't believe in mental illness and became verbally and emotionally abusive to the point that I divorced him. I felt like I had no choice for reasons of sanity.

You are worthy. Keep holding on. You're not alone. I'm here if you need to talk.

I am curious .. why do you think anyone would bash you for this?
You are not to blame for what your husband did.
Abusers use a type of psychological brain washing akin to that used on POWs which is why so many victims stay so long - some stay forever. It is nothing to be ashamed of. You survived. Be proud!
❤

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

I am curious .. why do you think anyone would bash you for this?
You are not to blame for what your husband did.
Abusers use a type of psychological brain washing akin to that used on POWs which is why so many victims stay so long - some stay forever. It is nothing to be ashamed of. You survived. Be proud!
❤

Thank you. That means a lot to me.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

Thank you. That means a lot to me.

You're welcome. It's truth. If you need information on the psychology behind abuse sometime, let me know. My last counselor instructed me on it because of the abuse I went through. Since then I help out people I see that need it. I will be happy to search out and provide the information equivalent to that my counselor showed me.