[subtle lights]

The more I talk about myself the further I get from myself.
I only wanted to say, I feel very alone...
No metaphors. Metaphors are like the perfect flowers of death. They are an illusion because real flowers can never be perfect. And need not to be.

But, as seen above, I can't stop invoking the illusion of perfection to protect me.

I am cut off reality. Sometimes metaphors are fun but maybe I don't deserve them (like when I was a child and I was too fat to deserve what the other kids had. First, a few laps around the track...)

I have a million thoughts in the same time, they are chasing each other. A few more laps...It's a trap. It's a war. It's my own mental hunger game. I will stop abusing metaphors, just want someone to understand me. It hurts so much that there is this wall, part of my personality, part of me. The wall between me and the world.
I "live" in my own little snow globe.

But it will break one day and all the disgusting darkness will be revealed. And then I'll be free. Yay.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((( subtle lights )))))))

[MtnTime2896]

(((subtle lights)))

Any time you need to talk, here or pm; I'm here.

[whisperingskye]

I feel like I relate to this (and many of your other posts), despite not fully understanding. Not any fault of yours, I am just finding it hard to concentrate and understand stuff I read lately.

I do know that being alone is no fun though. Here if you want to talk

(((((subtle lights))))))

[subtle lights]

Thank you all, I unfortunately suck at reaching out to people when I feel the need to talk...I don't want to bore or dissappoint people...Hard to explain...

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by subtle lights

Thank you all, I unfortunately suck at reaching out to people when I feel the need to talk...I don't want to bore or dissappoint people...Hard to explain...

I'm sorry you're having a tough time. You're not alone. I'm here if you need to talk.

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by subtle lights

Thank you all, I unfortunately suck at reaching out to people when I feel the need to talk...I don't want to bore or dissappoint people...Hard to explain...

I get that, but just know that there's no problem I deem boring. No emotion I deem invalid. And I have series doubts about you disappointing me. I won't push, but if you do come to me seeking a friend, I won't judge. Who am I to judge when I myself am imperfect?

[subtle lights]

It is all bad now and I'm afraid and I don't know what to do. I am mean to people who want to help. But it all hurts, it's not their fault. I still pretend I am fine...I cannot let go. Easier to be mean than to see some people dissappointed because I am falling apart.
I'm afraid. I am so disconnected from all this...So unreal
This thought came...of an ending...and finally I felt calm.
But then it went away. I'm trapped.

(no need to reply...I don't expect it, I don't make much sense now)

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by subtle lights

It is all bad now and I'm afraid and I don't know what to do. I am mean to people who want to help. But it all hurts, it's not their fault. I still pretend I am fine...I cannot let go. Easier to be mean than to see some people dissappointed because I am falling apart.
I'm afraid. I am so disconnected from all this...So unreal
This thought came...of an ending...and finally I felt calm.
But then it went away. I'm trapped.

(no need to reply...I don't expect it, I don't make much sense now)

I push away those that want to help, too. In some weird way, it's like I'm trying to protect them from me.

I don't believe you're too far gone. The level of self-reflection indicates that you have enough will and fight left to keep going and work towards a solution.

[subtle lights]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

I push away those that want to help, too. In some weird way, it's like I'm trying to protect them from me.

I don't believe you're too far gone. The level of self-reflection indicates that you have enough will and fight left to keep going and work towards a solution.

Thanks. That will and survival instinct doesn't seem to care if I'm miserable though, it just wants me to keep dragging myself. I get it...but this can last forever.
Maybe fighting to survive is brave but I don't feel brave at all. Brave would be facing myself, not hiding myself from othes. Brave would be to concur shame. But I can't do that.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by subtle lights

The more I talk about myself the further I get from myself.
I only wanted to say, I feel very alone...
No metaphors. Metaphors are like the perfect flowers of death. They are an illusion because real flowers can never be perfect. And need not to be.

But, as seen above, I can't stop invoking the illusion of perfection to protect me.

I am cut off reality. Sometimes metaphors are fun but maybe I don't deserve them (like when I was a child and I was too fat to deserve what the other kids had. First, a few laps around the track...)

I have a million thoughts in the same time, they are chasing each other. A few more laps...It's a trap. It's a war. It's my own mental hunger game. I will stop abusing metaphors, just want someone to understand me. It hurts so much that there is this wall, part of my personality, part of me. The wall between me and the world.
I "live" in my own little snow globe.

But it will break one day and all the disgusting darkness will be revealed. And then I'll be free. Yay.

Nothing wrong with using metaphors - they provide insight

Why do you feel cut off from reality?

Sometimes it helps to express those thoughts racing through your head - any that you want to talk about?

There is nothing disgusting about you. After talking to you a bit, I think you are a very lovely person who is in pain.
❤

[MickeyCheeky]

Just know that we'll always be here for you, no matter what.