[elevatedsoul]

[Rohag]

You need someone (or a team?) who knows how to treat you more effectively, yes?
May you not have to wait too long.

[Fuzzybear]

[Fizzyo]

[elevatedsoul]

i've just been having so much trouble i cant understand it

yeah, ok, i have substance abuse problems, anyone in my shoes would too

and yeah, ok, i have self harm problems - i dunno if others in my shoes would too or not but whatever ... i hurt ALOT

i am going through soo much ... i lost a friend, someone i thought was a friend... yeah, we didnt know each other that long, but i opened up to her and thought we were gonna be good friends ...

i realized that reality really ****ing sucks ...

i realized that my life really ****ing sucks...

im ****ing broke, and am severely sick, mentally ill, disabled, cant work - but being put in a position because i cant get on disability to where im having to seek employment and im scared as ****ing hell

yeah, today im feeling better, im so grateful that the pain is alleviated --- why is it alleviated? i dont care!!! DONT COME BACK THOUGH!!! but i know it will, why? because im sick ....

learning that i have like severe personality issues, got this appointment with a new therapist, but its a DUDE! and im nervouse, uncomfortable, scared, and just ... dont know what to expect with it ... but he is supposed to be a specialist so i am just hoping that it will be ok and that he can understand me and help me to understand me

i am so tired of everything, im so tired of the agony
i just want it to go away
im so tired of being suicidal, im so tired of the pain
i just want it to go away

i just want to go away

why cant everything just be ok

i just want to be ok

i dont want to cry anymore

i dont want to hurt anymore

it hurts so bad

i didnt know it could hurt so bad

i dont know

and no one understands....

and it pisses me off... because people try to understand...
and they say they understands... but i know they ****ing dont get it...
how can they understand when its happening to me and i dont even ****ing understand....
****...

i hate my life

i wish i had a significant other to hold....

im so alone....

i hate being alone...

ive always been so alone.... why do i have to go through this so alone...

im so tired

someone please hold me... i dont wanna do this anymore... i feel like im sitting at the bottom of the well...

i've already drowned... yeah im dead... but the pain hasn't stopped...

[elevatedsoul]

sorry...

im having a lot of severe mood swings....

It's okay. Sometimes you have to scream really really loud. Sometimes you have to cry.

[skysblue]

I get it. I do. We have to hang in there - somehow or another.

[elevatedsoul]

so im different today...

maybe fusion...

i dont know how many days have passed like this, but its been ok...
i've just been scared that im going to fall back into the pit... split apart again...

the pain is unbearable... i dont want to feel it anymore, even sitting here writing this makes me want to puke.... thinking about it makes my body cringe... how can so much pain reside within me... dormant... waiting to spring up without warning and take over my life...

triggers everywhere, its frightening living like this... trying to come to terms with my mental illness... that i have to be extremely careful how i live... who i let myself be around and what i let happen around me because i can be triggered into such dismal states...

i can already feel myself sliding down, im trying to stop it, i dont want to go back!
i want to stay happy and ok, safe.... but these past 2 days have been hard... i have struggled with small things... but i am trying to learn to cope, i just do not have coping skills... i do not know how to handle stressors and triggers...

i feel sad that i am like this... i am not depressed, not in the pit of despair, just sad that my life is full of such torment... i want to be ok, to be safe... to be able to be happy like "normal" people and not have to worry about being triggered into a suicidal state... or even a homicidal state, haha... not that i would act on those feelings, i just hate the world so much when i am in hell... because thats where i go when i get triggered... straight to hell... do not pass go... do not go to jail.. do not collect money or diseases... go directly to hell and collect your torturers punishments...

i have an appointment with a new therapist on tuesday and i am scared... i am nervous, i do not know what to expect...
as its with a male and i have complexes with men... and women i guess too but i've never talked with a male before and am nervous...
but he is supposed to be a specialist is what they told me...
so i just hope that he can do something for me... but im just scared that he will not be able to help either because nothing ever works for me...

im afraid this will be the same... i'll see him and it will be the same run around... no progress.. nothing changes... i just get worse... and worse.... and the pain consumes me... and i end up killing myself or overdosing on drugs trying to numb the pain because i cant take it anymore...

i feel like no one can understand, i feel so alone... really alone... i know people wish they could understand... and some people say they understand... but i feel like no one can really understand.... because its so bad... to be inside this head.... to live like this... to have to hide the scars on the outside... on the inside... the invisible ones... the visceral ones...
maybe its best no one could understand... maybe not... maybe im just an idiot... and think my problems are so much worse than they actually are....

its just that even the profesionals have not been able to understand so far...
they look at me puzzled... they just dont get it... and it pisses me off... i try to explain and they come at me with some bogus explanation that isnt even relevant to what i've been talking about the past 40 minutes...
and when i offer intellect on what i've read over the years and thoughts on what i think it could be they shut me down like i am a no body...

maybe i am a no body... maybe i really am in hell and everyone around me are the demons that are programmed to keep me puzzled and confused...
this is my torture... what did i do to deserve this?

to feel happy, when all seems well, you are shot down into the depths of a pit you think you'll never get out of! when you least expect it....
and then it seems you will never get out... the pain is unbearable....
and then some how you are able to climb out... missing your legg.. or an arm this time... but atleast you made it out... just to repeat the cycle... fission... and fusion... to ignite your soul in an explosive manner... i burn explosively.... there is no telling when im going to go off... and im very tired of the ride... i just want it to stop... i just want to sit here on the ground and stop....

[Sunflower123]

I just wanted to lend my support and tell you I get it. I really do. I hope your therapist appointment goes well and gives you some relief. Thinking of you.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by elevatedsoul

i try to explain and they come at me with some bogus explanation that isnt even relevant to what i've been talking about the past 40 minutes...

May your new specialist therapist have an ear for you, or maybe two ears.

[Fuzzybear]

I know how painful it is. I try to tell people that have ever had depression and they don't get that it really does hurt.

It's just like a physical pain, but at least with a physical pain, painkillers are available and the knowledge that relief is not too far gives some comfort.

Mental pain...well no. I have been researching Ketamine. I hear good things if it works. There is trials going on for it to be used for those in immediate danger.

I hope your therapist can hear you and not simply listen to the words.

[elevatedsoul]

magic, magic is wonderful

play, to play is wonderful

to cast a spell... one self can dwell in peace...

separation of pain, can stop the rain...

the box must be done, it must be done

hidden it will be, my pain will sigh

but i will be ok, moving forward not asking why

i dont need it, i dont need it

dropping all that i carry, weilding my 2 hands...
ill create this box and stuff all my pain inside

i'll be ok, the rain is stopping, and i will dance

it will float, light as a feather.. silent as the wind...

my life will finally come together, but by fission we will win

its peaceful, to cut it off... to not need it anymore, im sorry to you pain
but i wont carry you anymore, some day we will meet again
but for now theres the door...

im going to be ok, like a boss im going to show everyone how to do this

it will be fantastic, i can do this

im moving on, its done... my magic box will protect me

what a magic box... thank you for your wards

no longer will i walk alone, ill create my own army

they will protect me, my magic box will hold all the pain... it will never hurt me again