[aa1994]

Let me just start off by saying I’ve suffered from depression my whole life. I remember being 5 years old and telling my mom all the time that I felt “cheap”, she would play it off and say “that isn’t an emotion sweetie”, now that I am an adult I feel resentment towards her neglect and the way she played off my emotions. Maybe if I had gotten help at a young age, I wouldn’t feel so hopeless today.

In February I was dumped by a man I was with for six years. I have a drinking problem, and it became too much for him to handle. I am 23 years old, and am living back at home with my dad. I feel like a total failure and a loser. My anxiety and depression have made it almost impossible to hold a real job, dealing with people makes me so anxious that I will stay in bed all day. My sister came up for a visit (she lives 12 hours away) and asked me if I’d like to come home with her for a week. Eager to get away from the place where I was miserable, I said yes and went. When I got to her home (it’s much warmer where she’s from), I immediately felt at home. She then asked me if I wanted to stay for the summer, so again I said yes. We went on bike rides everyday, took our dogs for walks, went to movies and nice drives to overlook the lake. Everything was going good for me, I even got a part time summer job with people I enjoyed being around.

Now is where the trouble starts. As mentioned above, I have a drinking problem, as does my sister. We both went out to celebrate our sister in laws birthday, and had a lot to drink. I ended up puking in my sister’s bed that night. At first, she was okay I helped her clean it all up and she asked if I could buy her a new duvet, and I said yes. Then, when night time rolls around and it’s time for her to sleep she freaks out and starts crying that she can still smell the puke and that she needs a brand new bed. She has been ignoring me for two days now, and I can hear her talking hatefully about me to our family. She was my one support that helped me cope with my break up and kept me afloat. Not having her in my corner anymore is causing me to rapidly deteriorate and the happiness I felt is so far away. I know that I can’t rely on another person to keep me from being depressed, but the rejection and humiliation I feel has me contemplating suicide.

When I was back at home, fresh after the break up I would sit in my dark room and cry. I hated myself and would think about how I could die without my dad coming home and finding me. I told myself that I would give my dog to a friend, and then go to a park somewhere and take a cocktail of all the pills I’ve been given to treat my diseases (anxiety and depression and insomnia), and hopefully fade away. I had a plan and everything, and then my sister came and made everything better for a while. I feel lost, hopeless, hated, stupid, and disgusting. I just want to feel normal.

[Sunflower123]

This seems to be your first post so welcome. You had such a lovely time with your sister that one incident is not going to take away from that. If you need to....apologize to your sister (I'm sure you already have) and offer to buy her new mattresses. Be honest with her, that since you've been with her you've been happier than you've been in a long time. Please post back and let me know how it goes. I care and I'm here if you need to talk. I know what it's like to contemplate suicide. Don't think that way. You have value, you are worth it. Thinking of you.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry this was so devastating to you..

[Fuzzybear]

[aa1994]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

This seems to be your first post so welcome. You had such a lovely time with your sister that one incident is not going to take away from that. If you need to....apologize to your sister (I'm sure you already have) and offer to buy her new mattresses. Be honest with her, that since you've been with her you've been happier than you've been in a long time. Please post back and let me know how it goes. I care and I'm here if you need to talk. I know what it's like to contemplate suicide. Don't think that way. You have value, you are worth it. Thinking of you.

Yes it is my first post, thank-you for the feedback. Unfortunately it's a 1000 mattress so it's hard for me to replace, so I had it professionally cleaned today. It still has warranty on it, so hopefully now that it's been cleaned it can be exchanged. I also bought her new sheets. Even then, she is still not talking to me. I don't know how to approach her when she is angry like this, as she has anger issues and I am very sensitive. I feel if I approach her with my feelings she will rebuff me. I feel extremely anxious and like walking around on eggshells. It's embarrassing for me to talk about with my friends, so I'm feeling extremely isolated and alone. Thank you for listening

[CF17]

Originally Posted by aa1994

Let me just start off by saying I’ve suffered from depression my whole life. I remember being 5 years old and telling my mom all the time that I felt “cheap”, she would play it off and say “that isn’t an emotion sweetie”, now that I am an adult I feel resentment towards her neglect and the way she played off my emotions. Maybe if I had gotten help at a young age, I wouldn’t feel so hopeless today.

In February I was dumped by a man I was with for six years. I have a drinking problem, and it became too much for him to handle. I am 23 years old, and am living back at home with my dad. I feel like a total failure and a loser. My anxiety and depression have made it almost impossible to hold a real job, dealing with people makes me so anxious that I will stay in bed all day. My sister came up for a visit (she lives 12 hours away) and asked me if I’d like to come home with her for a week. Eager to get away from the place where I was miserable, I said yes and went. When I got to her home (it’s much warmer where she’s from), I immediately felt at home. She then asked me if I wanted to stay for the summer, so again I said yes. We went on bike rides everyday, took our dogs for walks, went to movies and nice drives to overlook the lake. Everything was going good for me, I even got a part time summer job with people I enjoyed being around.

Now is where the trouble starts. As mentioned above, I have a drinking problem, as does my sister. We both went out to celebrate our sister in laws birthday, and had a lot to drink. I ended up puking in my sister’s bed that night. At first, she was okay I helped her clean it all up and she asked if I could buy her a new duvet, and I said yes. Then, when night time rolls around and it’s time for her to sleep she freaks out and starts crying that she can still smell the puke and that she needs a brand new bed. She has been ignoring me for two days now, and I can hear her talking hatefully about me to our family. She was my one support that helped me cope with my break up and kept me afloat. Not having her in my corner anymore is causing me to rapidly deteriorate and the happiness I felt is so far away. I know that I can’t rely on another person to keep me from being depressed, but the rejection and humiliation I feel has me contemplating suicide.

When I was back at home, fresh after the break up I would sit in my dark room and cry. I hated myself and would think about how I could die without my dad coming home and finding me. I told myself that I would give my dog to a friend, and then go to a park somewhere and take a cocktail of all the pills I’ve been given to treat my diseases (anxiety and depression and insomnia), and hopefully fade away. I had a plan and everything, and then my sister came and made everything better for a while. I feel lost, hopeless, hated, stupid, and disgusting. I just want to feel normal.

Hi aa1994!

Listening to your story is like having a deja vu. I've experienced the same, severe depression plus alcohol problems. Difference is, I'm from South America, so I was raised in a totally different environment and I'm already 31 years old now. One thing I'll tell you, you can't change the past. I bet that you feel ashamed of things you did before under the influence the same way I do - and so millions of people. I wanted to die too, however we need to understand that it is okay to make mistakes! We learn from it, and if we can't change this wrong behavior on our own, let's look for help! What helped me was physical activities, but there are still times that I mess it all up, but you know what? I take responsibility and keep my head up because nobody is better than me and nobody is perfect. Regarding your family, I'm so sorry about what you are going through with your sister; however, it seems like she has serious problems too, so maybe you should point that out. If she isn't able to let it go (and honestly it's something material, for God's sake) maybe you should give her a time and move forward with people who can really help you at this time. Don't you ever consider suicide because of the others. People will come and go in your life, you are the most important thing! God Bless you. Message my profile if you need someone to talk.
Stay strong.

CF