"Only An Echo"

"You must've made some kind of mistake, I asked for death but instead I'm awake
The devil told me, 'No room for cheats', I thought I sold my soul but he kept the receipt."

-Bring Me The Horizon, 'Doomed'.

All of the distraction in the world can't save me. Nothing can save me. I guess I spent so much time trying to accept that, that it almost killed me. Kind of wish it had.
I tried so damn hard for so long. At the same time, I don't think I can do that to the people I love. Even if I do believe everyone would be better off without me.

So here I am at this crossroad. Do I stay or do I go? Or do I just let this pain keep building until I finally can't take anymore?

I'm just so tired of living in this ****ing agony. Maybe I did this to myself and had it coming. "They kicked the chair, but we-we helped tie the rope." Maybe this is exactly what I deserve.

I can so much relate to this right now...I have nothing to say, every word of mine is empty.
Just know you're not alone

You are where I am. I know that my family is the only thing keeping me alive right now. I know I could do it, I have no doubt. My family keeps me alive simply by being present.

To all 3 previous posters: I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. You don't deserve what is happening to you and I'm glad you decided to stick around because you are needed and worthy. I wish I knew what to say to help you feel better but I am here to support you and I'm also here if you need to talk. I hope you feel better soon. Thinking of you.

I can relate ((((( So leigheas )))))

I do not presume to know you, but volunteering might help. There are people who are likely better off with you. You could try.

I'm sorry for all of those who can relate. It's a terrible feeling and place to be in.

I've considered volunteering and have tried, I don't know why but whenever I'm around too many people, I can't quit having panic attacks, some flashbacks and hallucinations get worse. When it all gets too overwhelming, I dissociate and can't recall certain chunks of time. I just don't know if I'm willing to put myself or anyone else through my episodes.

Thanks for being here, all of you.

Thanks Jennifer