Does it ever end?

Gosh, here I go again. I'm having yet another depression "spell". I posted here a few weeks ago in the "general" section and received a LOT of very freindly and encouraging replies but then I lost the link to this forum and felt just horrible about not being able to respond. Thank God I finally found it on a disk earlier today.

Anyway, I suffer from depression (among many other things) and I am told that I am an extremely bitter and pessemistic person. I am always thinking and seeing the worst in people. Noone really cares about me. People are all evil and have sinister motives. Noone is really your friend - they just want your money. On and on it goes. I have this really bad habit of taking all of the world's problems upon my shoulders and feeling like I am responsible for them. I feel like the whole human race is one pathetic peice of something I won't even mention on this board and that we are doomed as a society. I feel like I should have been born in an era where greed, capitalism, corruption and cruelty did'nt exist. I don't like the world in it's current state. I'm sick of living. I'm sick of the way people treat other people (and animals). I'm sick of EVERYTHING!!!!!.

So there you have it. I can't even think straight anymore, have headaches, depression, sadness, disorganized thoughts bordering on "mental dyslexia", anger, rage, mood swings. Sometimes I get really scared thinking that there's some disease eating away at my brain because I just feel all crazy inside and as a man, I'm supposed to be all "macho" so I don't dare tell anyone about my depression because they treat me like crap and don't want anything to do with me anymore - thus reinforcing my hatred for people. It's a conundrum. A vicious circle without end. I am always irritable, achey, miserable. My mind is in a constant fog and I seem to screw up just about everything I try to do and always go around thinking that God is punishing me by making my life extremely difficult. I feel like the "Murphy" in Murphy's law.

Well, my grandmother (maternal) and my mother both suffer from terrible depressio and half of us have been in mental hospitals, attempted suicide and lived with this dreaded disease all our lives. I took a celexa earlier which usually helps but right now I feel like my entire brain could use a MAJOR overhaul. Anyway, that's a little about me. Sorry it's so negative but I can't help it. I am a very bitter and negative person who lived half my life as an abused child and the other half on the streets. I'll share more as time goes on and hopefull when I feel better because I actually do have very happy moments but they are few and far between anymore.

Take care and thank's for listening.

Hi panic man, I'm glad you found your way back here.

I'm sure a lot of your negativety is a direct result of your depression, it does effect the way we think.

You said you "took a celexa" earlier... are you taking a regular dose of celexa daily as prescribed? Celexa and all the medications like it have to build a level in your body over the course of several weeks before they start to have any effect, and they have to be taken regularly in order to help. You can't take one when you think you need it, it won't really do anything for you if taken that way. Some meds can be taken on an "as needed" basis and will have immediate effect but most of the depression meds just don't work that way.

I hope you are still under a doctor's care regarding the Celexa and any other meds you are taking. You probably already know it can take a long time to find the right meds that will work well for you. Not that meds are a "cure all" but they are a start towards getting a grip on things. I hope you are in some therapy too.

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--http://www.idexter.com

I've read about men struggling to announce their depression before...Women do usually express their emotions more than men and this does help fight the depression, because locking the emotions up just strengthens the depression. Because women shows their emotions more, it's more natural then that you think of women having depression more than men...in fact, Panic_Man, many men don't announce their depression but hide it away, thinking, as you said, that it's not "macho." But why is it so important to be "macho"? Why let society dictate which illnesses you can talk about? Anybody can have depression, and it's not pathetic, weak,babyish etc to admit it. I suppose you're talking about friends and family who think you're "crap" to admit it. When you talk to people who do understand depression however, it's not seen that way. For example, we here don't think anything less of you for coming here and saying you're depressed. In fact quite the opposite. It does take quite a bit of courage to admit personal problems to complete strangers.

Hopefully soon, your Celexa will kick in and you'll start to feel better. In the meantime, why don't you try going to your local library and getting out books on depression? If you're worried about what the library assistants might think, don't be, because what you borrow from the library is none of their business. Or maybe there's some kind of depression support group in your area?

Whatever you do, don't be ashamed of your illness. There's nothing to be ashamed of.

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RIP Dexter...
<font color=red>The best dog ever!!!</font color=red>

<font color=green>In the real dark night of the soul it is always three o'clock in the morning.</font color=green>
- F. Scott Fitzgerald

I wondered what happened to you. Know I know . (Um there's suppose to be a smiley here, even though I clicked the picture several times.) Anyway,,,

Mental illness is very hard for some people to understand,and that's frustrating. What's worse is if people in our own family don't understand or refuse to try to understand.

When I read your post, it sounded a lot like me. I used to be optimistic, but then 'life' and 'experiences' got in the way, and I became pessimistic. My family doesn't understand at all. I was also abused - not the 'religious' thing though. Plus I take celexa too, and other meds.

This site is really good. The people here are wonderful - very supportive and non-judgemental.

As you probably found out, it helps to know there are people out there who have gone (or are going) through some similar things.

Keep writing, that helps too.
Oh, and thanks for sharing. Hope things'll get better for you soon.