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#1
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It is my fault.... or not? ....i wanted to be here, i had plans, but i also had hopes.... but any hope i had, are vanishing. they are just more disappointments on a long list.
flashes are back, pointing out that death is the only way out. im trapped. problems are everywhere, they will never end and im sick of them. im sick of living so i want and need to give up. im really trying, but its all useless. just more failures. why holding on if the end is always the same? if what stays in between is meaningless and only painful for everybody. i dont see the point. really. and im tired, so tired. of everything. im losing the only thing that kept me going... my job. go figure i lived for a job! it was not for the job itself. it was for the money that would open some possibilities for me. travelling, meeting my friend, getting married etc... all bull*it. im just not made for this life. i keep repeating it but nobody listens to me. help? i dont deserve any help and i cannot be helped anyway. i could keep trying, maybe i will, but i dont want to anymore. i have to force myself and its so exhausting. holding on for what? i really dont see any other way out. |
![]() *Laurie*, Clara22, Crypts_Of_The_Mind, feeshee, Fuzzybear, MtnTime2896, pegasus, Rohag, Sunflower123, Teddy Bear
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#2
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(((((((( sinking )))))))))
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#4
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I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. Are you getting or open to getting some help like a pdoc, tdoc or medications? That could be a game changer for you. I hope you feel better soon. Sending big hugs.
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#5
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I'm sorry you are feeling so low right now. Please hold on as you don't know what good might be around the corner. Let us know how you are please.
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![]() Pegasus Got a quick question related to mental health or a treatment? Ask it here General Q&A Forum “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by it's ability to climb a tree, it will live it's whole life believing that it is stupid.” - Albert Einstein |
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#6
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How are you doing today?
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#7
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Thank you all for answering.
These days its been a little better as things have improved a little at work. This keeps my plans on track which makes me feel back in control... Death is still in my plans but at least now i feel in control which is of primary importance to me. Today though, i went to visit some old uni friends and it all went as i had hoped for but i left feeling suicidal and i dont know why. what mattered to me... being the skinniest (esp. skinnier than one girl), exaggerating the truth and saying i'm going to have that job, and saying i'm going to meet my friend and we'll try living together for a little while... I got to say that, and it made appear in moving on while i feel stuck. I dont know if these things will become true... I told them my fantasies as if they'll come true... I didnt want to appear as i feel. I wanted to appear as if i'm going on with my life, while all i really want is to die.... Seeing the other girl i was feeling in competition with is more stuck than me, even if shes younger... made me feel a little better, as if i won the competition but the truth is that she has been honest, while i havent... But i cant... They know nothing about my real life and the way i live it and experience it.... Maybe its this... not having been honest... but i cant... with anyone. Jennifer, i already see a T and take meds (less than i should but still)... Thank you for always answering my posts, i noticed it and wanted to thank you, you're always so nice with me and everyone here... |
![]() Bill3, Crypts_Of_The_Mind, pegasus
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![]() Bill3
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#8
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#9
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If you are finding yourself becoming suicidal frequently for unknown reasons, you need to talk to your T about it. I know you say you don't know why you fight, I used to have that feeling too. I realized though, the fact that I was still finding myself fighting the urges, whether I knew the reason or not - meant there must be a reason. I stopped looking for "why" and just accepted it as fact I was going to continue to fight even when I didn't see any reason to. After I accepted that, it made focusing on my real issues easier.
I noticed you said being the skinniest was important to you. And said the other girl had been honest n you had not ... Are you anorexic or bullemic n is that what you are hiding?
__________________
Life is not measured by the amount of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away |
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#10
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Thank you both for answering.
anything really. i seem to not be able to enjoy anything and every little problem becomes another reason for i want to die. i only see the negative side of things and cant stand anything. im just SO tired of everything. giving up or thinking about giving up is easier, relaxing and reassuring. Crypts_Of_The_Mind, why fighting seems to not be much important to me anymore as i have already made plans. im not looking for a reason to stay. but thank you for the input it could always become useful. i think i have some issues with food, i always want to be underweight but since im not constant (months of heavily restricting and months where i binge every other day) i dont think we could say i have an ED. |
![]() Bill3, Crypts_Of_The_Mind
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#11
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#12
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Quote:
The article concludes that Quote:
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#13
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Quote:
Thinking about suicide sounds like a coping mechanism for you. You know that you can leave and that knowledge helps you get through the moment(s) when something even modestly negative happens to you. |
#14
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Bill3,
i dont think my issues with food are serious. i wouldnt feel comfortable talking about it with my T and i dont think its even worth mentioning really. yes, maybe suicide is a coping mechanism for me but i'd say its more than that. it could be an obsessive thought or also only something i really want since its always there whether im sad or happy.... i havent understood it yet. |
![]() Bill3
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#15
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Quote:
__________________
Life is not measured by the amount of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away |
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