[sinking]

It is my fault.... or not? ....i wanted to be here, i had plans, but i also had hopes.... but any hope i had, are vanishing. they are just more disappointments on a long list.

flashes are back, pointing out that death is the only way out. im trapped. problems are everywhere, they will never end and im sick of them. im sick of living so i want and need to give up. im really trying, but its all useless. just more failures.

why holding on if the end is always the same? if what stays in between is meaningless and only painful for everybody. i dont see the point. really. and im tired, so tired. of everything.

im losing the only thing that kept me going... my job. go figure i lived for a job! it was not for the job itself. it was for the money that would open some possibilities for me. travelling, meeting my friend, getting married etc... all bull*it. im just not made for this life. i keep repeating it but nobody listens to me. help? i dont deserve any help and i cannot be helped anyway.

i could keep trying, maybe i will, but i dont want to anymore. i have to force myself and its so exhausting. holding on for what? i really dont see any other way out.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((( sinking )))))))))

[Bill3]

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. Are you getting or open to getting some help like a pdoc, tdoc or medications? That could be a game changer for you. I hope you feel better soon. Sending big hugs.

[pegasus]

I'm sorry you are feeling so low right now. Please hold on as you don't know what good might be around the corner. Let us know how you are please.

[Bill3]

How are you doing today?

[sinking]

Thank you all for answering.

These days its been a little better as things have improved a little at work. This keeps my plans on track which makes me feel back in control... Death is still in my plans but at least now i feel in control which is of primary importance to me.

Today though, i went to visit some old uni friends and it all went as i had hoped for but i left feeling suicidal and i dont know why.
what mattered to me... being the skinniest (esp. skinnier than one girl), exaggerating the truth and saying i'm going to have that job, and saying i'm going to meet my friend and we'll try living together for a little while... I got to say that, and it made appear in moving on while i feel stuck.

I dont know if these things will become true... I told them my fantasies as if they'll come true... I didnt want to appear as i feel. I wanted to appear as if i'm going on with my life, while all i really want is to die.... Seeing the other girl i was feeling in competition with is more stuck than me, even if shes younger... made me feel a little better, as if i won the competition but the truth is that she has been honest, while i havent... But i cant... They know nothing about my real life and the way i live it and experience it.... Maybe its this... not having been honest... but i cant... with anyone.

Jennifer, i already see a T and take meds (less than i should but still)... Thank you for always answering my posts, i noticed it and wanted to thank you, you're always so nice with me and everyone here...

[Bill3]

Today though, i went to visit some old uni friends and it all went as i had hoped for but i left feeling suicidal and i dont know why.

What do you find usually brings you to feeling suicidal?

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

If you are finding yourself becoming suicidal frequently for unknown reasons, you need to talk to your T about it. I know you say you don't know why you fight, I used to have that feeling too. I realized though, the fact that I was still finding myself fighting the urges, whether I knew the reason or not - meant there must be a reason. I stopped looking for "why" and just accepted it as fact I was going to continue to fight even when I didn't see any reason to. After I accepted that, it made focusing on my real issues easier.

I noticed you said being the skinniest was important to you.

And said the other girl had been honest n you had not ...

Are you anorexic or bullemic n is that what you are hiding?

[sinking]

Thank you both for answering.

Originally Posted by Bill3

What do you find usually brings you to feeling suicidal?

anything really. i seem to not be able to enjoy anything and every little problem becomes another reason for i want to die. i only see the negative side of things and cant stand anything. im just SO tired of everything. giving up or thinking about giving up is easier, relaxing and reassuring.

Crypts_Of_The_Mind, why fighting seems to not be much important to me anymore as i have already made plans. im not looking for a reason to stay. but thank you for the input it could always become useful.

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

Are you anorexic or bullemic n is that what you are hiding?

i think i have some issues with food, i always want to be underweight but since im not constant (months of heavily restricting and months where i binge every other day) i dont think we could say i have an ED.

[Fuzzybear]

[Bill3]

i think i have some issues with food, i always want to be underweight but since im not constant (months of heavily restricting and months where i binge every other day) i dont think we could say i have an ED.

Be aware that heterogeneous presentation of ED symptoms is common. In a wikipedia passage summarizing two recent studies, the diagnostic category Other specified feeding or eating disorder (a catch-all diagnostic category for patients who do not meet criteria for the well-known eating disorders but still have clinically significant symptoms) was found to account for 32.2 and 53.3 percent of total eating disorder diagnoses. https://forums.psychcentral.com/depression/488856-no-other-way-out.html#post5786691

The article concludes that

a high proportion of cases still receive diagnoses of atypical eating disorders

Have you had the chance to speak to a therapist who specialises in eating disorders? If not, how would you feel about doing so?

[Bill3]

anything really. i seem to not be able to enjoy anything and every little problem becomes another reason for i want to die. i only see the negative side of things and cant stand anything. im just SO tired of everything. giving up or thinking about giving up is easier, relaxing and reassuring.

What is your reaction to the following?

Thinking about suicide sounds like a coping mechanism for you. You know that you can leave and that knowledge helps you get through the moment(s) when something even modestly negative happens to you.

[sinking]

Bill3,

i dont think my issues with food are serious. i wouldnt feel comfortable talking about it with my T and i dont think its even worth mentioning really.

yes, maybe suicide is a coping mechanism for me but i'd say its more than that. it could be an obsessive thought or also only something i really want since its always there whether im sad or happy.... i havent understood it yet.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by sinking

Thank you both for answering.


anything really. i seem to not be able to enjoy anything and every little problem becomes another reason for i want to die. i only see the negative side of things and cant stand anything. im just SO tired of everything. giving up or thinking about giving up is easier, relaxing and reassuring.

Crypts_Of_The_Mind, why fighting seems to not be much important to me anymore as i have already made plans. im not looking for a reason to stay. but thank you for the input it could always become useful.


i think i have some issues with food, i always want to be underweight but since im not constant (months of heavily restricting and months where i binge every other day) i dont think we could say i have an ED.

I went through the ups and downs concerning suicide also. The point is, in the end, even my attempts wound up being half-hearted. Why? Something was holding me back. I'm not saying I never tried or never wanted to, I did have one "serious" attempt, but even it wasn't as bad as it could have been. This is how I believe you are. I'm not saying you are attention seeking, I sure wasn't. Just that in order to heal you will need to accept that something will always hold you back. That's a good thing. Something still keeps you here. You DO DEFINITIVELY have a purpose. Whether or not ED is a problem of yours, I don't know, but I do know ED is more a psychological thing than a physical thing and it isn't til the "crisis" stage you start displaying outward signs. It may be worth looking into before you get to the crisis stage. If nothing else, do some personal research, see what you think.