[SimplyAnna]

I'm a 24 year old Indian Muslim. This is my first ever post on a public forum. Some time back my ex boyfriend made a sex tape with me without me knowing about it. I found out about it a few days back and have been completely devastated ever since. I feel like my world is falling apart. The walls are caving in on me and I feel so broken. People have mocked me, spoken behind my back, and I don't really have anyone to call my own. Being a Muslim is part of the problem because that just makes the judgement 10x worse. I know what I did was wrong according to my religion, and I repented just after committing this sin, even before I knew about the existence of the tape. Now I'm not a very religious person but i do know that our God forgives all sins and I have begged for His mercy and for my life to turn around. My biggest fear and one that keeps me up all night, is my family finding out about this. I've known to be the star kid, and I just can't disappoint them. I do not want to be a disgrace to my family all because of one childish mistake. I am a single girl, things like these don't end well for us from where I come from. The people all around me, my friends and family will never forgive me for this. Nobody would want to marry me due to my baggage and I will die alone. I feel like I'm incapable of being loved. The one person I did reach out to, decided to leave. It might be hard for most of you to understand, but I'm sure it's understandable to the Muslims/Christians.
Please help me. I do not want this mistake to define my future.
I feel like my life is over. I've lost the will to participate in real life. Nothing makes me happy. I'm anxious and very lonely. I blame nobody but myself for my mistakes. Even though I've sworn i'd never make these mistakes again, I feel like life would never give me another chance. I just want to stop existing but I can not commit suicide because I can not hurt my parents. I want this pain to stop. I have trust issues because of this. I feel so alone in this dirty world. I want a fresh start. I want things to turn around. I don't want these horrible thoughts anymore. I want to be kind and gentle to myself but instead all I do is hate myself.

[Fuzzybear]

Welcome to pc Anna. You're with friends here

[eclairparty98]

Oh my goodness, Anna What an awful position to be in. Please understand you haven't done anything wrong at all. Your ex boyfriend is the one who made the tape without your acknowledgment.

Sex is perfectly natural human function. Without it, your family wouldn't exist, you wouldn't exist, religion wouldn't necessarily exist. You've committed no sin at all. What you did was a normal act of intimacy between your boyfriend - HE is the one who was deceitful and cruel with bad intentions. There is no way you could possibly be seen as a disgrace, friend

If this unfortunate circumstance ever comes to your families attention, please try to remain calm and explain you didn't know anything about it and that your boyfriend went behind your back. If you feel like you can perhaps open up to them and share this issue with them, that might be a good idea. Also, what he has done is against the law in most countries. I'm not sure about India, but you could do some research into this. See if it's possible to seek justice?

Regards to the people gossiping behind your back - I know it's easier said than done - but please don't take any notice. They are the ones taking their time out of their borrowed time on this earth to cast judgment on you. You are simply living your life and not hurting a soul. You haven't done anything wrong. They are the ones causing distress and unrest in an innocent persons life.

I really am hoping and wishing the best for you, Anna This wouldn't be easy for anyone. You'r extremely strong coming here for support and opening up! Your life definitely isn't over.

[eclairparty98]

Also, please know mistakes are perfectly normal and though embarrassing at times, they're really beneficial to us humans. We're all driven by intense feelings and passions ultimately leading to making mistakes. We need mistakes as they help us recognise any potential weakness to help us grow individually and not get into destructive patterns.

Though I believe you haven't done anything wrong, it sounds like it's drilled into your head that perhaps you have. Imagine someone close to you is going through this; how would you react? You'd support them, right? And perhaps forgive them? Try viewing yourself as this person you want to forgive. Sometimes it's easier to support and forgive those closest to us than it is to forgive ourselves when we're overwhelmed with guilt.

You're in my prayers You'll surpass this. Trust yourself

[SimplyAnna]

@eclairparty98
Thank you for being so kind. Your words really mean a lot. I feel less alone in this world now. I really want to start over.

[eclairparty98]

Originally Posted by SimplyAnna

@eclairparty98
Thank you for being so kind. Your words really mean a lot. I feel less alone in this world now. I really want to start over.

No worries at all!!!! I'm so pleased to hear of your reassurance. I know the road gets tough sometimes and starting over seems like an option but it isn't You've come this far, so far, proving your strength. You must stay strong. I really wish the best of luck for you, Anna and hope great, beautiful, wonderful things come your way. You deserve peace.

[Sunflower123]

Hello. Welcome to PC. Anna...I'm so sorry this happened to you. Your life is not over. Please don't let this ruin your life. You did nothing wrong. You'll always have support on this site. Post as often as you need. If it ever comes out about the tape, I believe you're strong enough to weather it and we'll be here to support you through it. I wish you peace and healing. Sending big hugs.

[mountainstream]

[Shazerac]

I'm so sorry you are suffering. Your boy friend did a horrible thing to you.

Anyone who would not have you because of your "baggage" does not deserve you.

[SimplyAnna]

I feel worse with every passing day. I want to put an end to my life. I have nobody to call my own. Nobody will listen. nobody is there for me. Im all alone. I want to fade away.

[eclairparty98]

Originally Posted by SimplyAnna

I feel worse with every passing day. I want to put an end to my life. I have nobody to call my own. Nobody will listen. nobody is there for me. Im all alone. I want to fade away.

Anna, it sounds like a very tough time and no doubt that it is and I'm sorry you're going through this You don't deserve this. Stay strong and overcome this.

Have you tried reaching out to your family?? The police?? I don't know what the laws are in India, but your boyfriend isn't allowed to post anything like that on the internet unless he has your consent. Good luck I hope you find a peaceful, helpful solution to this mess! Remember fading away isn't an option, you must be strong.