[5chatzi]

Hi everyone,

I need some advice, or maybe just to vent.

I think I might be depressed, but on the other hand, I think I may just be faking or exaggerating my feelings.

I've been thinking about seeing a therapist, but I worry I might waste their time.

I always see these things about depression where people can't go to work, can't get out of bed, don't eat, can't shower or change out of their pajamas. And, well, that's not me. I get up for work everyday, I eat (more than I should), shower regularly, etc. I do live with my parents (I'm 28) so that's mostly why I do everything I'm supposed to. My parents would not allow or approve of me skipping work to lie in bed all day and I try my best to keep up appearances so they don't see how I'm feeling.

So I feel like I probably don't have depression because I can do all the things I always see as something people with depression struggle with.

The problem is my thoughts. I completely hate myself, have almost no self esteem, no confidence. I consider myself dumb, stupid, lazy, and a failure. Most days I wish I was dead. So here's the other thing. I know I will never commit suicide - I couldn't do that to my family. But.. I just wish I didn't exist. But is that considered suicidal thoughts? I don't really think so since I have no plan and will never go through with it. So I think maybe it's not a big deal? Like.. I'm kind of guessing it's kind of a normal feeling?

I've "self harmed" a few times... but again it's not bad and it's not traditional cutting. I feel like such a poser and embarassed to even relate what I've done to myself as self harm. I have a long distance friend who I know struggles with self harm, and I just saw her for the first time in real life a few weeks ago. I was shocked as she had dozens of cuts on both arms. And all I could think was how pathetic I am. Like how dare I say that I "self harm." Sure I have some marks on my arms that haven't faded away yet in 6 months, but it's not a big deal. Can I even call it self harm if it's not cutting with a razor? I don't know.

I just feel like... I have a good life. I have a job - granted I hate it and stepping foot where I work just sucks the life out of me. But most people don't like their job right? Nothing to complain about there then. I have a place to live - I mean it's with my parents and it's because I can't afford to pay rent on my own even though im 28, but it's free. And that's more than a lot of people have. So nothing to complain about there either. I was lucky enough to go to college for free because my parents paid for it. So.. everything in my life should be good. People would probably be lucky to have my life. So.. I can't complain.

But.. at the same time I'm just miserable with no reason. Some days are worse than others. Some days I want to just die so bad. I need to get a better job but my low self esteem tells me that I'm too stupid to do anything besides retail and besides I'm too much of a failure for anyone to want to hire me.

That was a big, jumbled mess. But basically.. is it stupid of me to be thinking I need to see a therapist? Would I just be wasting the time of a professional who could be helping people with real problems?

[dexter]

Hi 5chatzi it sounds like you would benefit from therapy don't think you would be wasting a professional's time that's their job to listen and help you. I do not think it is a "normal feeling" to not want to exist but rather is a symptom of depression. Depression manifests many different symptoms so don't worry if your symptoms don't match your expectation of what depression is. IMO the feelings you are having are a hallmark of depression not in spite of having so much "good" in your life but because of it.

Good luck.

[Sunflower123]

I agree wholeheartedly with everything said. A therapist could really help you out.

[JRTMOMMA]

You could make just one appointment to see a therapist and see how things go. Tell him/her your concerns and see where it takes you. It's your life and you deserve a chance to enjoy it.

[Singin' In the Rain]

I don't have anything helpful to add, 5chatzi, but I wanted to say that I agree, completely, with everything that's been said. I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this. I can relate, all too well.

Good luck, and please take care. I hope you can find the help you need (and deserve!). You're in my thoughts.

[5chatzi]

Thanks guy. I know I shouldn't need other people to tell me my feelings might be legitimate.. but it really does help.

Now, I have something else related to the topic at hand.

For some background info:

My best friend, who I briefly mentioned in my original post, has it really tough right now. She was sexually assaulted around a year ago and I believe suffers from undiagnosed PTSD. She frequently has insomnia and nightmares. She also does not have a good relationship with her family, partly due to th sexual assault and due to different idealogical beliefs. She is a pretty major cutter - with her family being one of the triggers that causes her to cut. She's still in college and is taking 6 very rigorous classes. She also works at least 25 hours a week, but always 5 days a week. Because she supports herself, she often has no money and has to work that much to pay bills. Her school is extremely rigourous and she has 5+ hours of homework every night on top of work. She's also frequently sick with various colds and migraines.

Needless to say, her life is hard and extremely hectic.

SO FINALLY TO THE POINT.

All of what I mentioned going on in her life, leaves me feeling constantly like my feelings are invalid. I know realistically everyone's struggles are different... but I can't stop comparing myself to her.

Any time she tells me she only got 3 hours of sleep, or she has 7 hours of homework in top of 4 classes in a day plus 6 hours of work , or she fell asleep in school, or she's sick again... I just feel so stupid for being "sad." Like how dare I claim to be depressed or struggling when she is going through so much. Even today.. I was super stressed about something st work. We were texting a little and she told me her friend called her at midnight with an emergency and long story short she drove to pick up the friend and bring her back to college and she only got an hour of sleep. After all that she still had class and a full day of work plus hours and hours of homework. And I just.. felt SO STUPID. Like my stress and worry I had was so dumb because she only slept an hour and was up all night and has school and work and homework. How DARE I feel stressed or anxious.. when she had it so tough.

This happens all the time because she always has something really crappy going on in her life. Always. And I have such a good life so I feel bad even mentioning I'm depressed. To be honest I feel like she must roll her eyes when I tak about being depressed. She has it so much worse. I mean she's always perfectly supportive and she's never really said anything negative about my "problems," I just feel like my problems are so dumb and silly. All of which is what makes me thing I'm just overexaggersting things and don't really need help.

Does anyone have any advice at all about how to stop comparing my problems to hers. Because it just makes me feel even worse.

[Shazerac]

Instead of trying to stop comparing her problems to yours...try focus on yourself. Concentrate in getting some help, see a therapist. Even people who have a "good life" can be distressed and need therapy when someone they care about is suffering.

[Fuzzybear]

[Winterbritt]

Hi

So here's what I got from reading your post, and this is just me taking the liberty of reading between the lines.

I think that you spend a lot of time thinking about what your life should be like and who you should be, and very little time thinking about what you WANT your life to be like and who you WANT to be.

I don't know if you are "depressed" or not, and I don't think it matters either way.

I do think you are clearly suffering, and that does matter a lot. And it seems like you've been asking the question a lot, "Why am I suffering?" And so far that's not really providing you with any answers. Just asking yourself that question seems to be increasing your suffering a lot.

So let's stop asking that question for a little while and start asking a different question.

Maybe instead of asking "how dare i suffer", ask "what lights me up?"

Happiness and peace isn't just the default state of humanity. I made the mistake of believing that as well. When I got to adulthood and I wasn't just happy all the time even though on paper my life looked fine, I really wondered what the problem was. The problem was that I never learned happiness. It's a skill. So I had to teach myself and I believe you can teach yourself too.

I did it by assessing my belief system. Taking stock of what I believed about the world and noticing which beliefs made me suffer. Then I questioned those beliefs and thoughts with Inquiry which is a simple process you can find at The Work | The Work of Byron Katie

Then I decided what I wanted happiness to look like in my life, and I started working for it, mentally. I made a conscious effort each day to look for the goodness in life. I also had very low self esteem. So each day I forced myself to write down one thing that I liked about myself. I forced myself to write down something I was excited about and something I wished was true about the world. I kept a log of gratitude and beauty and humor in each day. This article walks you through it. A Good Life Discovered: Bullet Journal for Joy - Winterbritt

You seem like you really want to find peace and joy and purpose in life, and I really believe that you can. I think you just have to do it on purpose. And I believe that these steps above really really work.

You can keep asking yourself forever why you aren't happy and you'll just feel more and more broken. Or you can start building happiness. You can pm me if you like and I would be so happy to do anything I can to help.

[Shazerac]

I just bought Byron Katie's book "a mind at home with itself." Forgot all about her. Look on forward to reading it.

[Winterbritt]

I'm looking forward to her new book as well! Make sure to let us know what you think after reading it!

[5chatzi]

Thank you so much for the kind responses everyone. I appreciate each and every one of you for taking the time to respond.

Winterbritt - Thabk you sommuch for your response. It actually made me cry because I was so touched. I'm definitely going to look into the resources. I just desperately want to be content with my life and feel like I have a purpose. Right now I feel like a failure, just drifting through life with no purpose or direction. And I don't need to be this super successful person... I just want to find a job I like and be able to afford rent somewhere, you know?

[Winterbritt]

Originally Posted by 5chatzi

Thank you so much for the kind responses everyone. I appreciate each and every one of you for taking the time to respond.

Winterbritt - Thabk you sommuch for your response. It actually made me cry because I was so touched. I'm definitely going to look into the resources. I just desperately want to be content with my life and feel like I have a purpose. Right now I feel like a failure, just drifting through life with no purpose or direction. And I don't need to be this super successful person... I just want to find a job I like and be able to afford rent somewhere, you know?

I'm so glad and I hope you can find some help with Inquiry and journaling. I felt very similar to how you feel for a really long time. Life just felt really hard and there didn't seem to be any joy in it. I was just very nervous and self conscious and so lonely all the time. And now that I feel better I just want to help other people feel better too. It's so easy once you figure it out.

I spent years feeling like life was worthless, and this morning I went for a walk and just the sun shining on some weeds along the path, I just felt like overwhelmingly lucky to be a part of such an incredible world.

Like I know that you are having a hard time now and it's hard to imagine life feeling good, or imagine yourself feeling powerful or peaceful or radiant or magical. But from my position here where I have let depression go, I can tell you that you are perfect and precious and incredibly powerful. And you can change your brain chemistry and your world just by changing your thinking.

Just start doing it. The time will pass anyway. Why not just see what happens?