[lilclassicbeauty]

So I have been battling my demons at the moment with thoughts of my ex wholm I think I want back. My anxiety and depression are dragging me through the dirt. I wake up nauseous every morning and with a headache. I am Puerto Rican and my father is in Puerto Rico right now. We have not heard from him since Tuesday night. With all this going on I feel so selfish and horrible for feeling the way I do. This is making me feel worse. I feel I should just be worried about my dad and my family and friends and my beloved island of Puerto Rico and here I am being selfish and thinking how I can't do this anymore. I saw a psychologist for the first time yesterday and she wanted to admit me as inpatient. I told her all I have left is my job and I can't lose it, that would be my last straw. Instead I am being sort of watched by my sister whom is dealing with her own battles and my mom threw that in my face. The psychologist thinks I'm in crisis and made me an appt for today with a psychiatrist. I feel like I am losing my mind. I want to disappear. If my ex would take me back I would since he was basically isolating me from my family and friends anyways... now I really want that.

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you're having a tough time. I'm glad you're getting help. That's good. I hope your family in Puerto Rico are safe. Sending big hugs.

[Fuzzybear]

[Winterbritt]

Hi there,

I don't think you're being selfish. It sounds like you really love your father and you're really worried about him. It's normal to look for a safe place when you are really worried. It's understandable that you would see an ex as a safe place. Don't beat yourself up about that.

I guess if I were you I would ask myself what I was really looking for in my ex right in this moment that I'm wanting him back. Am I looking for a safe place? Something familiar? A break from reality? Security?

What's important right now is you. Your heart. You can't deal with anything in your life, be it a stressed out mother or a missing father or your feelings about an ex, until your own heart is ok. That's not being selfish. That's just the truth.

The good news is that you're ok. Even with a missing father. Even though you're stressed to the max and dealing with stuff. Even though you're in crisis. You're ok. You were born ok, and you'll be ok every single day of your life. You will be ok no matter what happens with your father. You will be ok no matter what. You are stronger than you know, and you are stronger than you feel right now.

You probably don't feel ok, though, obviously from your post you don't feel ok at all. When I was at a very horrible place and I didn't think I could make it, I started praying. I'm not even religious per se. But it was the only thing I could think of to do and it worked. "God please save my heart from uncertainty." "God please save my heart from loneliness" "God please save my heart from anxiety" I just repeated it over and over. I wasn't doing anything but freaking out anyway so I had time on my hands, and it really did work.

There's a trick I use sometimes when I'm scared that works incredibly well. I learned it when my claustrophobic grandma chilled out on a train once we gave her an older lady to take care of. The trick is that when you need to be brave for someone else, you get a million times braver.

You said your sister is dealing with her own stuff and she is taking care of you. Don't feel bad about that. Being strong for others and taking care of others activates something inside us that makes us braver and stronger.

Perhaps you can think about yourself being strong for your father. Be brave for him. Be by his side in your heart even though you don't know where he is physically. Stand by him emotionally, mentally. Be brave for him no matter what comes his way. It will wake your heart up. It will activate the hero in you.

Please reach out to me if there's anything I can do. Keep heart.

[lilclassicbeauty]

Originally Posted by Winterbritt

Hi there,

I don't think you're being selfish. It sounds like you really love your father and you're really worried about him. It's normal to look for a safe place when you are really worried. It's understandable that you would see an ex as a safe place. Don't beat yourself up about that.

I guess if I were you I would ask myself what I was really looking for in my ex right in this moment that I'm wanting him back. Am I looking for a safe place? Something familiar? A break from reality? Security?

What's important right now is you. Your heart. You can't deal with anything in your life, be it a stressed out mother or a missing father or your feelings about an ex, until your own heart is ok. That's not being selfish. That's just the truth.

The good news is that you're ok. Even with a missing father. Even though you're stressed to the max and dealing with stuff. Even though you're in crisis. You're ok. You were born ok, and you'll be ok every single day of your life. You will be ok no matter what happens with your father. You will be ok no matter what. You are stronger than you know, and you are stronger than you feel right now.

You probably don't feel ok, though, obviously from your post you don't feel ok at all. When I was at a very horrible place and I didn't think I could make it, I started praying. I'm not even religious per se. But it was the only thing I could think of to do and it worked. "God please save my heart from uncertainty." "God please save my heart from loneliness" "God please save my heart from anxiety" I just repeated it over and over. I wasn't doing anything but freaking out anyway so I had time on my hands, and it really did work.

There's a trick I use sometimes when I'm scared that works incredibly well. I learned it when my claustrophobic grandma chilled out on a train once we gave her an older lady to take care of. The trick is that when you need to be brave for someone else, you get a million times braver.

You said your sister is dealing with her own stuff and she is taking care of you. Don't feel bad about that. Being strong for others and taking care of others activates something inside us that makes us braver and stronger.

Perhaps you can think about yourself being strong for your father. Be brave for him. Be by his side in your heart even though you don't know where he is physically. Stand by him emotionally, mentally. Be brave for him no matter what comes his way. It will wake your heart up. It will activate the hero in you.

Please reach out to me if there's anything I can do. Keep heart.

Thank winterbritt. My breakup is the reason I'm a mess right now and cutting and getting bad thoughts... I was supposedly in a abusive relationship. But I still want him back and I feel miserable. My dad is another issue... still no word. And at times I feel like I wish they can find him so I don't feel as guilty for pulling my families attn away from my dad. The psychiatrist gave me two options today, keep staying with my sister or hospital but i cant return to my apt and meds or hospital. My world is all scrambled in my head.

[Winterbritt]

Originally Posted by lilclassicbeauty

Thank winterbritt. My breakup is the reason I'm a mess right now and cutting and getting bad thoughts... I was supposedly in a abusive relationship. But I still want him back and I feel miserable. My dad is another issue... still no word. And at times I feel like I wish they can find him so I don't feel as guilty for pulling my families attn away from my dad. The psychiatrist gave me two options today, keep staying with my sister or hospital but i cant return to my apt and meds or hospital. My world is all scrambled in my head.

I am pulling for you. Normally it's my nature to kind of bring up questions about the thoughts that are creating suffering for people. I'd be like, you said you really want him back, is that true? Could it also be true that you do not want him back? And I think that actually does work to diffuse suffering.

But I am just for some reason getting a vibe that that's not exactly what you need right now. I mean I don't know you and all I know of your situation is what you wrote, but for some reason I just see you needing to be still and quiet and breathe, and just give yourself some rest from everything emotionally to find some calmness and stillness in your heart. Like maybe you already know what's good for you, and you just need a breather to gather up the energy and the courage to do it?

Apologies if that's way off. I am rooting for you regardless.

[MickeyCheeky]

[lilclassicbeauty]

Originally Posted by Winterbritt

I am pulling for you. Normally it's my nature to kind of bring up questions about the thoughts that are creating suffering for people. I'd be like, you said you really want him back, is that true? Could it also be true that you do not want him back? And I think that actually does work to diffuse suffering.

But I am just for some reason getting a vibe that that's not exactly what you need right now. I mean I don't know you and all I know of your situation is what you wrote, but for some reason I just see you needing to be still and quiet and breathe, and just give yourself some rest from everything emotionally to find some calmness and stillness in your heart. Like maybe you already know what's good for you, and you just need a breather to gather up the energy and the courage to do it?

Apologies if that's way off. I am rooting for you regardless.

Is exactly just that. He was extremely protective of me maybe some people would say he was too jealous and controlling but he gave me that attention. I know he was slowly taking everything away from me but making me feel bad or guilty or I just didn't want to get him mad. But despite that he was caring towards me. He would say I was stupid for cutting myself and to make me stop he once cut himself. I guess deep down inside I know that's not how a relationship should be but for some reason I want him back. He was a great guy. I'm never going to find that again. Even my psychs tell me he's no good... The psychiatrist said I would sell my soul to the devil if I returned to him. A quote a good friend of mine also told me. A friend whom I stopped talking to because he was a male friend and he didn't like me talking to other men.