[ArcheM]

The new policy is in-house control. Which means I get my own project sent back to me and I have to check it for errors and write a report. The problem is, I already checked and rechecked the project the first time I sent it in, and if I hadn't found any errors then... I just have to wait for an inspiration, or a sudden realisation while browsing it again and again. I don't even know if there are errors, but probably yes. They almost always find some. The worst of all, the project is really small, whereas in a big project I could have easily had a slip of attention and discover it now.

And also I already asked a manager the first time about problems that I saw, and she gave it a cursory glance, a simple answer and also said she was busy. What if the simple answer was not the correct one?

And I have to give it in tomorrow morning. And I'm already bad with my quota.

I'm going back to sleepless nights, helpless and crying, and despairing about having to be in this situation again and again. All I can do is write this.

Each time I try to gather myself up, think positively, I get hit with this or something else. What's the point of trying?

[Winterbritt]

I'm sorry that you are feeling hopeless.

It sounds like you really care about your performance at work. You must really care about doing a good job. That's a good thing! There aren't so many people around that really really care these days.

I for one can really be a perfectionist. It absolutely burns me when I make a mistake, especially if I'm not sure what I did or how to correct it. Making mistakes and especially not being able to correct them really takes a toll on my self-esteem. I can understand how that review process could make someone really distraught. It doesn't sound very efficient, that's for sure.

I get through hard times by believing that everything serves a purpose and sometimes troubles really give you the opportunity to grow. I sometimes feel better in a hard situation by asking myself what the lesson is. What is life teaching me here? And I ask myself how would I respond to this situation if I had the biggest kindest most compassionate heart in the world. In my life, it seems like the same struggles keep popping up until I figure them out. That's the point of trying. The days come and go regardless. You can try or not try. You can search until you find the answer or you can continue on suffering.

I am hoping for you and rooting for you. Sending you lots of hugs and good vibes.

[ArcheM]

I probably do have a problem with perfectionism, but here it's not the issue (I think). The standard is 98% accuracy, which to me sounds pretty much perfect. And you get told off, that you're letting down the whole team, if it's below that... And last month I already had an 89 (or thereabouts). They already threatened me with "consequences" once... I think I might get fired around the end of the year... But I can't keep thinking about this.

Thanks for your support.

Do you enjoy your job? Is it what you are wanting to do for the rest of your life? I am curious if you've ever considered changing jobs or moving to a different field completely. Unfortunately if you are not able to meet their standards, it may not be the right job for you.

[ArcheM]

I mean, everybody is long saying to change my job. If I knew how I'd jump the ship in an instant. But how am I supposed to even, if everything is hypocricy, greed, lies... There's one thing I've been doing a lot and I care about and I believe it's been keeping me in a better mood - it's studying Polish by reading books. No employer would care about that, especially since I only started this summer. Or I could abandon that and instead spend my time looking at job postings which depress me. Except I'd immediately get fired from my current job because I couldn't keep even the minimum up... Sorry. No, it's not a right job for me. It's 4 years since it's not the right job for me. Except maybe it's the best job for me, because of how terrible I am at talking to people, and this is one of a few jobs with my qualifications that doesn't require that.

[MickeyCheeky]

:/ If this was you being a perfections it would be one thing, but from how you describe it, it sounds like you're doing a very demanding job..
Personally I think that you should just try to do the best you can. That's all you can do. From what you said, it looks like you really tried. If they don't accept that.. well, perhaps it wasn't that good of a workplace, and firing someone because he hasn't done a 100% perfect job seems absurd to me

[ArcheM]

I feel like I'm made to stand in front of the class and come up with ways to humiliate myself... And then, a professional comes in, humiliates me in turn, and the teacher judges who did the best job of humiliating me.

[Sunflower123]

That sounds like a ****ish position to be in. I hope when you can change jobs that you do. Keep your eyes open for opportunities. It could be a game changer for you. I'm rooting for you. Sending big hugs.

[ArcheM]

I should say - I did it. Found some mistakes. Right now I'm super relieved, and almost happy, because I fully expected to sit and suffer through the night. I probably didn't find all mistakes, but hopefully the results demonstrate that I tried.

Thanks for your support, everyone.