[MtnTime2896]

It's this constant battle with myself. A battle that seems to leak through the cracks of just moderate depression; not to say moderate depression isn't a struggle in itself. As screwed up as it is, I've actually always found a sort of tolerance for my depression, that tolerance being the fact that PTSD can be a cause behind depression. So, I don't necessarily feel depressed for no reason. Just the thought of not having a clue why makes me feel worse.
One of these battles, I don't deal with too often, but when it comes around it takes over rational thought. Rational thought isn't really gone but it isn't quite as loud as the rest, even if I can still hear it. It's not just SI or even just being suicidal.

Possible trigger:

It's an overwhelming belief and "instinct" that if I don't kill myself people I love will die as a result.

It gets really bad and extremely overwhelming. My anxiety spikes and I can't calm down no matter what strategies I attempt. It's like I absolutely have to go through with it to keep people alive.
There are other things that start up before it gets to this point like picking my skin to make it even because it's not even and that bothers me. Another thing is not touching or moving certain objects because I believe someone could get hurt. Not looking at my reflection because something evil will emerge and take me over, in turn people would get hurt or killed. My mind also plays through every scenario and exactly how these things would take place. Each option leaves me feeling just as responsible if I do or don't do things that will lead to someone's pain, suffering and/or death.
I hate these thoughts, not only because they are so screwed up and misleading, but the fact that I can't silence them with logic makes it all so much worse. It's also making it increasingly difficult to keep the suicidal thoughts at bay. When these feelings do get quiet (usually after taking Ativan or knocking myself out with Trazodone), I just get even more depressed and still feel suicidal, only difference is I don't feel compelled to go through with it. It's more like normal, like I just want the pain to stop.

I don't know what any of this is, or if anyone else here ever deals with something similar. Sorry this post is so long, I'm just really lost lately.

These are some scary thoughts! Is the thought inside the trigger something new? Of course you are hesitant to talk to the people you are having this thought about because you don't want to scare them but are you telling your T about this? Are you able to go to a T. If not, perhaps writing about it here will help. Do you think this way about people who have hurt you? Or everyone?

[MickeyCheeky]

Sounds so hard to deal with it. I'm sorry you're having these thoughts. I hope sharing it here can at least relieve your pain a little bit..

[MtnTime2896]

What's inside the tw isn't really new. It's something that's infrequent but recurring for me. It's been over a year since the last time, up until yesterday that is. I feel it in the back of my mind, like a mountain lion in the tree line just waiting 'til my back is turned. I've told my T about SI driven intrusive thoughts before, but I've never told him this specific stuff or exactly how bad it gets at times. I sort of shared a little with my friend yesterday as she was attempting to talk me down. The people that are at risk for getting hurt are the people closest to me, it seems. People that I always have a certain level of anxiety towards because I'm probably way too attached to their presence.

[Olanza-what?]

Hi So Leigheas,

I am sorry that you are experiencing this.
I too deal with SI and it can be totally disabling. I can be feeling great, having a good time or just going about my normal day and out of nowhere bam! a rush of thoughts of how to do it and that I should do it and sometimes I can see myself doing it, playing the whole thing out but seldom no reason as to why. I shared this with my therapist and a pdoc that I use to see and they could not tell me why I think/feel this way other than perhaps a chemical imbalance. My therapist said it's probably also related to PTSD, cause I feel guilty for surviving a major medical trauma that 90% of others that it has happened to die from.

When these thoughts overwhelm and consume me, I tell myself its my thought process but not what's in my heart and I distract/redirect my thoughts/activity. I tend to write out how I am feeling in poetry and may post it in Creative Corner forum and it has helped. I've read most of your poetry in that forum, you are a very talented writer and you clearly convey how you are feeling. I encourage you to keep writing especially if it helps.

sending well wishes and hugs your way

[Shazerac]

I'm so sorry you are struggling with this issue

I know I'm over stating the obvious but the feeling that you "must die" for the sake of others is an irrational thought. It's your illness talking, not reality.

I sincerely hope that you can open up with your T about these thoughts. You really need to get the bottom of this. It sounds to me that for some reason you don't feel like you deserve to live. You do! You deserve to not only live, but be happy.