slide right back......

everything I touch turns bad
makes me feel so sad
people close I push away
always have, what can I say
a freak i feel
don't know what's real
ten bricks at a time
builds a wall that's mine
keeps me from pain
shelters me from rain.
friends once close
gone I suppose.
When will I learn
to trust, not yearn
for love, to be secure
just dont know anymore.
forgive me please
I live with unease
every day
wish I could pray.
even God rejects me
I'm bad you see.
bad to the core
can't go on any more.
just push everyone away
what can I say.

Kerry

(((((((((((kerry))))))))))))

you are NOT bad. not, not, not. don't let it get you. hell, i dont trust either, and i got a wall higher than the empire state, so i know what you mean it keeping you from pain, but you're reaching out here just by posting this........

you have touched me, am i bad??? i hope not....... like i said dont let it get you girl....... please pm if you need to talk, but either way i hope you feel better sooner than soon. much love and more (((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))

((((bellaviolet))))))))))))

ty for your kind words. I just feel so down with myself at the moment, I wish I could move on some, I feel back to square one again, I'm struggling.

Kerry xoxoxoxo

Jinny, I remember when I first entered recovery telling someone that I just can't seem to let go of the maddness and chaos. They replied, "maybe you haven't finished with it yet"?

(((((((((mouse)))))))))

you're right. I just didn't think I would go this far back again.
I'm scared to show these feelings to my family, I don't want them to think I was as bad as I was before. I feel like running away, if only they would understand, I just can't seem to cope right now.

Help!!!

Jinny xx

Jinny, Well YOu know, when one person is "sick" in a family, the whole family is "sick" too. It takes a long time to take the focus of pain away from outside of us, where we can never fix it and learn to deal with our pain..our own resentment and anger at ourselfs for noting being some surpreme god....recovery isn't a sudden event, its a process. It took a long time to get where we were, and will take a long time to recover.

You know even the chaos can feel familar to you and the rest of your family, its a way of living you've all grown used too.

I find I read a daily meditation from someone called Melody Beattie. She talks about co-dependency and letting go of all the ways we've become accustomed to living and talks about taking care of ourselfs and not everyone else.

Some people find eventually that those they were seeking to get better for, were actually being held back by them instead. Or at least, being accomplises to it all.

Despair is often the forerunner to freedom and a new sense of joy. Despair is always hard, but its necessary.

((((((((((((mouse)))))))))))

thankyou mouse, I think you're so right and very wise. I should have gone to get hubby out of bed as he works nights, but I keep putting it off. I just want to be alone. My therapist and cpn said the same as you about it taking time. I managed to find my family a counsellor, He is coming for the second time on Friday, he lets them rant or talk and just generally helps them deal with this.

thanks again, Kerry xoxoxox

(((((((((((((((( jinny ))))))))))))))