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  #1  
Old Oct 11, 2007, 12:59 AM
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everything I touch turns bad
makes me feel so sad
people close I push away
always have, what can I say
a freak i feel
don't know what's real
ten bricks at a time
builds a wall that's mine
keeps me from pain
shelters me from rain.
friends once close
gone I suppose.
When will I learn
to trust, not yearn
for love, to be secure
just dont know anymore.
forgive me please
I live with unease
every day
wish I could pray.
even God rejects me
I'm bad you see.
bad to the core
can't go on any more.
just push everyone away
what can I say.

Kerry

  slide right back......

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  #2  
Old Oct 11, 2007, 01:32 AM
bellaviolet bellaviolet is offline
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Member Since: Apr 2007
Location: Anxietyville, USA
Posts: 203
(((((((((((kerry))))))))))))

you are NOT bad. not, not, not. don't let it get you. hell, i dont trust either, and i got a wall higher than the empire state, so i know what you mean it keeping you from pain, but you're reaching out here just by posting this........

you have touched me, am i bad??? i hope not....... like i said dont let it get you girl....... please pm if you need to talk, but either way i hope you feel better sooner than soon. much love and more (((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
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"There's a dark side to each and every human soul. We wish we were Obi-Wan Kenobi, and for the most part we are, but there's a little Darth Vader in all of us."
-Chris Stevens
  #3  
Old Oct 11, 2007, 04:11 AM
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((((bellaviolet))))))))))))

ty for your kind words. I just feel so down with myself at the moment, I wish I could move on some, I feel back to square one again, I'm struggling.

Kerry xoxoxoxo
  #4  
Old Oct 11, 2007, 07:18 AM
Mouse_'s Avatar
Mouse_ Mouse_ is offline
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Member Since: Sep 2007
Location: Sch of hard knocks.
Posts: 2,179
Jinny, I remember when I first entered recovery telling someone that I just can't seem to let go of the maddness and chaos. They replied, "maybe you haven't finished with it yet"?
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Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished. If you're alive, it isn't. ~Richard Bach
  #5  
Old Oct 11, 2007, 07:34 AM
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(((((((((mouse)))))))))

you're right. I just didn't think I would go this far back again.
I'm scared to show these feelings to my family, I don't want them to think I was as bad as I was before. I feel like running away, if only they would understand, I just can't seem to cope right now.

Help!!!

Jinny xx
  #6  
Old Oct 11, 2007, 08:11 AM
Mouse_'s Avatar
Mouse_ Mouse_ is offline
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Member Since: Sep 2007
Location: Sch of hard knocks.
Posts: 2,179
Jinny, Well YOu know, when one person is "sick" in a family, the whole family is "sick" too. It takes a long time to take the focus of pain away from outside of us, where we can never fix it and learn to deal with our pain..our own resentment and anger at ourselfs for noting being some surpreme god....recovery isn't a sudden event, its a process. It took a long time to get where we were, and will take a long time to recover.

You know even the chaos can feel familar to you and the rest of your family, its a way of living you've all grown used too.

I find I read a daily meditation from someone called Melody Beattie. She talks about co-dependency and letting go of all the ways we've become accustomed to living and talks about taking care of ourselfs and not everyone else.

Some people find eventually that those they were seeking to get better for, were actually being held back by them instead. Or at least, being accomplises to it all.

Despair is often the forerunner to freedom and a new sense of joy. Despair is always hard, but its necessary.
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Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished. If you're alive, it isn't. ~Richard Bach
  #7  
Old Oct 11, 2007, 08:16 AM
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((((((((((((mouse)))))))))))

thankyou mouse, I think you're so right and very wise. I should have gone to get hubby out of bed as he works nights, but I keep putting it off. I just want to be alone. My therapist and cpn said the same as you about it taking time. I managed to find my family a counsellor, He is coming for the second time on Friday, he lets them rant or talk and just generally helps them deal with this.

thanks again, Kerry xoxoxox
  #8  
Old Oct 11, 2007, 05:09 PM
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Fuzzybear Fuzzybear is offline
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Member Since: Nov 2002
Location: Cave.
Posts: 96,628
(((((((((((((((( jinny ))))))))))))))
  slide right back......   slide right back......   slide right back......
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