[mollyj]

Hello,
This is another night where I find myself unable to sleep at night. I think of my grandma or I think of the friends who have left me.

So heres my story. Two days before the first day of my senior year in college my grandma had a massive stroke. I spent the next semester shuttling back and forth between her nursing home and my school which were three hours apart. Up until then I had been a leader, a good friend to many, and a good student. I managed to end the semester with decent grades, but I was no where near the person I was.

The other half of this story was about my roommate and my best friend who started dating. I had been best friends with this boy for a long time (or so I thought), but things changed when I started dating my current boyfriend. He seemed removed, hostile and disinterested. Then he started dating my roommate and was sleeping in our room every night of the week. I sat them both down and said it had to stop, and thus begun the never ending months of awkwardness. My roommate eventually told me that my friend had had a crush on me, which made things even worse. This was all happening while my grandma lay dying three hours away.

She died about three weeks into my winter break. I dont think I will ever stop missing her. My mom was not strong enough, so I was the one to view her body and sign off at the funeral home. It felt good to know I was a big help to my mother, and I am happy I saw her. Winter break ended, I went back to school.

Things between me, my ex best friend and my roommate only deteriorated further. Now the ex best friend moved into the house right next to ours, and my roommate slept there every night. When I said I wanted them to not sleep together in our shared room every night, I did not think that I would lose my three year long roommate. I had no one to talk to about it because all of our friends were shared. I cried most nights.

Now I am graduated and trying to get into occupational therapy schools. I had talked with my roommate about this at the beginning of the summer, and it seemed like it went well and she said that she would write me while I was away for the summer. We now have not spoken in over 5 months. I have not spoken to my ex best friend since I graduated college. They are still together.

Regardless of my accomplishments I go to bed every night feeling like a friendless failure who will never get to her goals. I have a hard time sleeping, getting to my classes or work and see nearly all of my relationships with family and friends deteriorating around me. Lots of suicidal thoughts have been popping up. I watch netflix to distract myself. Every time I am quietly with myself, the face of my grandma, or the faces of my two lost friends enter into my mind. I just want to not feel anymore.

I hope you start feeling better soon.

I lost my best friend very suddenly in college. I got lonely and flew my high school boyfriend out to see me for a nice vacation. But it sucked because I was so depressed. He said he didn’t want to see me anymore. I wanted to die.

You know what? I started dating. Second one turned into my husband.

At your young age - just know you have your whole life ahead of you, and things will change.

[Winterbritt]

Hi Molly,

I'm sorry you're having a rough time. I'm sorry your friends reacted badly in that way. I'm sorry you are missing your grandma.

You've had a lot of big changes in your life recently, so I think you can cut yourself some slack. You've been through a lot.

You said you feel like a friendless failure. That does not mean you are. It just means you feel that way. From what I read, you are the strong one in your family. You graduated college. You communicated the truth to your roommate and friend when you needed to. That doesn't make you a friendless failure. That makes you a good successful honest human.

Reality is mostly just neutral. It's what we can see or hear or touch right now. Everything else is imagination. It's memories of the past, and imagined pictures the present time, and projections about the future. It's all made up in your mind. Every bit of it. And that's normal and ok. But you have to realize how that works so that when hard bad things happen, you don't carry them with you for years. It's actually really good news. It means that your heart and spirit belong to you. They aren't subject to what happens in your life.

You said you don't want to feel anymore. That's just because you haven't realized yet that you have control over your feelings. Feelings are the product of your beliefs. If you believe that those two people had control over your happiness, they do. Or if you believe that dealing with your grandma's illness ruined you, it did. Once you stop believing those things, they stop having power.

You can believe that grandma's death was just grandma's death. You can see it as a honor to be the person there to care for her. You can believe that nothing, not illness or death or anything, can ever separate your grandma from you in your heart. You can believe that she's still with you every time you remember her, that she's such a bright light that death couldn't even dim her.

You can find peace with your friends by finding grace for them. These are people you cared about and loved, yes? And what if they were fated to be together? Would you not want that happiness for the people you love? Would you not do anything for the people you love, include losing them, if it meant they got to fulfill their fate? If you cared for them and loved them before these things happened, doesn't that mean you must still? If you really did care for them truly?

Maybe your heart is big enough to let them go.

[Shazerac]

big hugs to you. I'm so sorry you lost your beloved grandma. I'm glad you were able to be strong for your mother.

It sucks to lose a friend. You're going through a hard time and they weren't there for you
I would have a problem with someone having sex in a shared room. Please keep in mind that you didn't do anything wrong. In fact you did everything right. You stood up for yourself and told you friend your feelings. It's her fault that she's rejected you.

You are grieving a huge loss right now. But you are not a worthless failure. Not by a long shot.

[Sunflower123]

Hello. Welcome to PC. So sorry you are struggling. You have a lot on your plate right now. Could you see a therapist to help you process everything that’s going on? Sending big hugs and best wishes. I’m here if you need to talk.

[mollyj]

"You can find peace with your friends by finding grace for them. These are people you cared about and loved, yes? And what if they were fated to be together? Would you not want that happiness for the people you love? Would you not do anything for the people you love, include losing them, if it meant they got to fulfill their fate? If you cared for them and loved them before these things happened, doesn't that mean you must still? If you really did care for them truly? Maybe your heart is big enough to let them go.[/QUOTE]

What if all I feel for them right now is deep hatred. I don't want them to be happy, I want them to hurt like they hurt me. Does that make my heart small?

[Winterbritt]

Originally Posted by mollyj

"You can find peace with your friends by finding grace for them. These are people you cared about and loved, yes? And what if they were fated to be together? Would you not want that happiness for the people you love? Would you not do anything for the people you love, include losing them, if it meant they got to fulfill their fate? If you cared for them and loved them before these things happened, doesn't that mean you must still? If you really did care for them truly? Maybe your heart is big enough to let them go.

What if all I feel for them right now is deep hatred. I don't want them to be happy, I want them to hurt like they hurt me. Does that make my heart small?[/QUOTE]

I don't think that makes your heart small at all. I think you have to have a pretty decent sized heart for it to be hurt so badly. And I'm really sorry you're going through that. Sometimes things need time to cool off before you can really deal with it. And that's alright too.

I guess I just got to a point in my own suffering where hate wasn't worth it anymore. It's your heart, after all. It's the heart you live with every minute of every day, whether your friends are out there thinking of you or not. Whether they are hurting or happy. It's still your heart that's hurting in your chest in your life. It's still your life that's ticking past while you're focused on them. So hate them as long as you must, but when you're tired of hurting and that sacrifice isn't worth it to you anymore and you need peace, you can find it.

[Fuzzybear]

I think those horrible people who were supposed to be friends don’t deserve any of your energy
I’m sorry about your Grandma

[LittleMissOfSadness]

I also thought best friend was in love with you because he became distant after you started a relationship. I had many of those type "best friends" who were just acting for YEARS,but in fact wanted something more then friendship...
You have your boyfriend,at least someone valuable in your life and stick to it and cherish it. Same is my situation: except him i have no one else.
Just live your life,do what you are doing and I believe new people will come into your life. And about those two you should forget,they are just not worth it-karma will catch them eventually.
And I am sorry for your grandma(i loved mine as well very very much),they will live forever in our hearts and memories