Feeling so low. Need help. But there isn't any.

I'm not coping well. I have to change something.

Do you want to talk about it?

I'm just tired of going from one health crisis to another with my guy. This was never a marriage for good reason. I know I don't owe him this. His needs pretty much consume all my time and energies. I have some help, but not help that can take over for me. He was in the hospital for three days right after Christmas. He is quite sick now with 3 separate infections. Tomorrow the home attendant will come by. I'll send her to the laundromat and, maybe, to the store for a few things. But much of the hands on care I will do because he is so sick.

Actually, I feel much better this evening compared to real early yesterday when I wrote that, above. He was well enough for me to run out to Walmart's for an hour. That is my main get-away that I enjoy. Shopping refreshes me. I had to gather up some sources of clear liquids for him: jello, broth, popsicles, Italian Ice. He's not tolerating solids. Right now he's asleep in bed, which gives me a nice break. I can pit what I want on the TV.

My own problem has been a chaotic sleep pattern and morning depression every single morning. To try and manage that, while having to tend to him gets tough. I can't just sleep when I want.

I guess I was stressed out because of his recent downturn, necessitating him being hospitalized. Then it seemed like they discharged him too soon. He got sicker the day after coming home. Every time I turn around, they are asking him about living wills and what does he want done if he goes into cardiac arrest. People need to think about those things, but younger people don't get asked over and over and over. His family stays "loosely" in touch . . . and I do mean loosely. I post very succinct bulletins on facebook to which they give a thumbs up, or a very brief comment. They have better things to do than talk on the phone with me. Neither of my two sisters called me for Christmas, which kind of surprised me. No cards, no calls. I'm getting to where I care less and less. I have cousins who make way more effort.

Last year I doubted he'ld make it to another Christmas, but here we are. At times I've been happy about it. I wish he wasn't so sick. I'll forever more give a lot more credit to those who care for a chronically ill family member. It's more draining than I expected it to be. I feel for mothers with special needs children. I don't know how they do it. I've been at this for 3 years.

Time to watch TV.

thanks for posting....I relate. everything seems to be "token." Like if I go see my psychiatrist she will always take it back to the medications. I hurt, bleeding inside....so I go see a doctor. The kind of doctor I think could help. Nope. I think the only thing that does help is talking with others just like me. Like on this site. Kind of wish we could all hang out tomorrow......that might give validation. I don't know. Maybe.

Thanks, lark. I have found that peer support is what has helped me the most.