Feeling so low. Need help. But there isn't any.

Why wouldn't you feel safe letting them care for him overnight even with incontinence? Part of their job is taking care of things like that - Lord knows I did it enough!

Yes, it's part of the job description . . . for sure. But I'm finding they don't clean him up properly. That leads to him getting a UTI. Sometimes a shower is necessary. He's a bit difficult to shower. For me it's no problem. But that's me. Two CNAs with nursing home experience I hired, and they left him dirty. So I haven't had either of them back. In a nursing home, there's back up. A caregiver doesn't have to work alone. He can't clean himself.

I don't want his bathroom contaminated. I brush my teeth and shower in there. Cleaning an elderly, mobility impaired person who is incontinent of B&B takes art and science. He's not always totally cooperative, either, but I can get him to go along. He's a high "fall risk," so maneuvering him on a wet shower floor takes skill. I manage okay. I can't get the attendants to even seat him comfortably in his recliner. I guess it's becoming a lost art.

When I worked in facilities, I used to instruct the aids I worked with on cleaning people properly. Though they take a course including that, most do a half-ways job. Sorry, that's the reality. I'm not just picking on people. There are very skillful people out there somewhere. Finding them is very tough.

We just got back from eating out. It was okay. We got out at least. This weekend, I have to clean his apartment. Hard to get motivated.

Wow - that's horrible that care has gotten so rotten in the 20yrs since I was a CNA. I did a lot of the showers n bed baths or spa baths or just changes - solo - whether the people were combative n not independently mobile or not - because we had 60 residents and were lucky to have 4 people on a shift. So yea I know what you are going through. I had a friend that was a CNA about 10yrs ago telling me about a lift machine they use - I told him wow .. we just put a transfer belt around them, braced our knee's around theirs ... and we transferred them. He was like "well yea - but this fellow was 'large' you could not have done that" .. I said, it was all we had - we did it. And honestly, we did ... we even learned how to do without the transfer belt if one was not on the floor for some reason. So yea, I have to agree with you - it must be becoming a lost art, or maybe a lack of compassion. I believe CNA type work is mostly about compassion and saw many who did not have compassion when I was working and even then I saw a huge difference in quality.

I was just getting him changed from his day clothes to his p.j.s. I'm tired. Getting him in and out of the restaurant in the wheel chair isn't so easy. At the restaurant, before I even finished eating, he said, "I can't wait to get outa here." So we're back home. The apartment needs straightening up. Earlier I mentioned to him that I would give the place a good cleaning this weekend. I was just in the midst of undressing him, and he says. "Look at this effin place." (It's a bit untidy.)

He can never just withhold a ctiticism. He has to remark on every single thing that I haven't attended to. He can never think, "She's tired. I won't comment on the floor needing vacuuming. She'll get to it." No. He has to pass a remark on everything and anything that isn't just so. When I first took over doing his housework for him, the kitchen floor was beyond dirty and he had roaches. I cleaned his kitchen and bathroom floors on my hands and knees. I've brought in a professional carpet cleaner 3 times in the past few years. I rid the place of crap he hoarded. The bugs are all gone. Just the other day, I cleaned his living room windows and hung up new curtains that I had ironed.

He never knows when to just shut the ef up. He can do nothing to help. He can't even dress himself. I do everything. And he looks around to see what I'm not keeping up with. He's too lazy to even shave himself, which he could do, if he would make the effort. But he makes zero effort. So I shave him. I comb his hair for him because he acts like that's just too hard for him to manage. About the only thing I don't do for him is spoon-feed him. (Though I have to cut up his meat for him.) But he has to look around to see where there might be a few things piled up that needs sorting out. Tonight there is some disarray on the dining room table. So he has to start, right while I'm in the middle of changing his clothes.

He never thinks to himself how my life is being affected . . . never thinks that I get tired of being here . . . that I want to go home . . . for more than just a few hours. I told him thst. He says, "You can go home now." He has this delusion that I'm just here because I love being here . . . that he does not require anyone being with him. The man can't even get on and off the toilet without help.

I can't take it anymore . .. the not being appreciated . . . the fault-finding with anything that isn't tended to promptly enough. The other day he was whining about his rose bushes needing pruning. Rose bushes are an awful lot of work. He has ones that grow like weeds. I've spent hours over the summer trying to keep up with them. Soon I have to do them one last time before the real cold sets in.

Sorry for ranting. It's how I feel when he nitpicks. I get so demoralized.

It is totally ok. I understand the feeling. Gets to be where even the things that sound "small" to others feel like huge boulders being hurled at you.

Next time he starts. I would just be a bit stern. Tell him matter-of-factly "I will get to it when I get to it." If he kept it up, I would say - "you can go ahead and try to do it if its too hard to wait.." and if he did try, just monitor him to make sure he does not hurt himself but don't stop him - so you can get the point across that you are there helping him.

But - that's me. I even get stern like that with my husband at times when he starts in on me and I've had enough.

You seem to be a bit more compassionate and lenient than me though. That's both good n bad. Good that you can show so much love but bad bc you will get hurt so much easier.

I am sorry he was so miserable today. I had hoped you would have a good Thanksgiving. ❤

Yeah . . . me too.

Oh, I get pretty stern myself. I'm actually fairly retaliatory. After listening to a minute's worth of crap from him, I unload a half hour of byeetchiness back at him. I told him I hope he likes the housekeeping regimen at the nursing home he'll be going to soon. Anyone listening in would have me arrested for elder abuse. I do become abusive myself. Anyone listening in would think I'm over-reacting to things that do sound small. You put that well, Crypts. Little pebbles do feel like boulders. What he does is "triggering," though he doesn't realize it. It reminds me of how nastily critical he used to get in his drinking days. He doesn't critique himself though. I would be begging him for days to shave, or let me shave him. Then I got fed up. Now I tell him, rather than ask him.

Our whole relationship all these years has been characterized by snaping at each other. I look back and think I wasted my life.

I am going to have to arrange a break that probably will entail him going to a nursing home for a few weeks. I have to do something to feel better. He sure isn't going to make that happen. He's an expert at demoralizing a person.

I am glad you are going to put yourself first ❤
You deserve some care too. You haven't wasted your life though. It is sad though that you have been sad for so many years.

I wish I could take some of that pain away from you and throw it away to never be seen nor heard from again! ❤

You are a wonderful person Rose - and that's why I say you have not wasted your life. Through you - people got to see what a true heart of love looks like.

Thank you for being the person you are. We need more like you. ❤

PS - don't worry about the idea that you feel you become abusive. I do it too - but I think its a self defense mechanism that kicks in n honestly .. if anybody ever said anything to me about it, I would look at them and say "ok, tell ya what - you spend 2 weeks with him talking to you the way he does me ... we will see how you feel then, only remember - I been doing this for years. If you don't think you can handle it - back off." Cuz really it seems like the only time ppl want to get involved (here anyway) is if they can create drama .. n I am on "drama overload" atm, lol.

So - just know its a human reaction n if ppl have a problem with it ... Lol, well ... You know what my advice is

The feedback I get is pretty unanimous, even from his kids. They tell me to worry more about myself. Even his ex-wife used to tell me that.

I tend to think that we can be happy together, if we both just try. But he never seems as into that as I am. I'm tired of trying hard, when he doesn't bother much.

Sadly, based on all the posts I have seen you talk about him in since I have known you, I don't think he ever will try. I hope you will find a way so you can be happy though. *hugs*

Getting mad at him last night didn't help me at all. I feel worse. He's been content to sleep in his recliner a great part of the time. That makes it lonely for me. But I've slept a lot too.

I'm depressed. I don't even know that getting away from him would make me one bit better. I might just feel worse.

I don't know what to do. I can't see a future to look forward to. This is awful.

Ok - I am going to get real in a "harsh way" but not a "mean way". It's meant to cause you to think in a different direction, nothing else. ❤

First I will buffer by saying this - I understand the pain of not being able to see past where you are right now. But that's exactly why you cannot - you are in too much pain.

You said you don't know if getting away from him would make it better. Who knows - maybe it will, maybe it won't. But I can tell you 4 things for sure.

1. You do not deserve the treatment you are receiving.
2. The treatment of you will not get better. (His illness won't allow for that even if he would but I don't think he would either)
3. He will only get worse health wise
4. The likelihood he will die before you is very high.

Given those things - starting to break your attachment to him now by at least allowing yourself time in your own home away from him completely is much healthier. Of course you are free to do whatever you want - but I know what it is to have a strong attachment suddenly severed .. if it could have been done gently, perhaps the trauma would not be as bad.

Just a thought.

Usually, I don't let him see me crying, but today I did. When he kept asking me what was wrong, I told him that my life with him is too lonely. He ended up yelling that he is sick of listening to me.

I think I might be better off to get away from him.

I think it would probably be a good idea. ❤

I am sorry you are so lonely n so sad - I wish I could give you a real hug.

*hugs*
❤

Here's to two wonderful beautiful ladies, you inspire me.

You are sweet

I go to see my PCP on Tuesday. I'm trying to not get my hopes up. I expect to be disappointed.

My sleeping is chaotic. I'm still in my pajamas now. I haven't even made lunch. My bf is dosing in his recliner. That's my excuse for not feeding him. It's hard to make myself do anything at all. There's an element of laziness and lack of self-discipline in this. I feel like I'm bordering on being useless.

I go to see my PCP on Tuesday. I'm trying to not get my hopes up. I expect to be disappointed.

My sleeping is chaotic. I'm still in my pajamas now. I haven't even made lunch. My bf is dosing in his recliner. That's my excuse for not feeding him. It's hard to make myself do anything at all. There's an element of laziness and lack of self-discipline in this. I feel like I'm bordering on being useless.

You are doing the best you can. That's all anyone - including ourselves - can ask of us. Going without one meal will not kill him, won't even hurt him in all likelihood (unless he is a major diabetic).

Have you tried anything to help you sleep?

I take: Elavil (amitriptyline,) Melatonin, Magnesium, hydrocodone and baclofen.

I start with the first 3. I add on the fourth and then, maybe, the fifth, as I get desperate.

I take: Elavil (amitriptyline,) Melatonin, Magnesium, hydrocodone and baclofen.

I start with the first 3. I add on the fourth and then, maybe, the fifth, as I get desperate.

Here this may be beneficial information for you. There is a lot of information you probably already know but some you may not. I am not sure how much you know n rather go down the list I will just provide you the link.

https://draxe.com/insomnia-cures/

Hi Rose76. I recently went into depression, the kind where there is no way out. Today an idea filtered up to me while my love was holding me. (I find the saddest things float away when I feel happiness.) I discovered what was bothering me was that during the past year, I had to face losing my children's love. I have a few things which make me want to survive and if they are threatened, I start giving up. I kept up mostly healthy behavior because I have experience, but next time I am going to remember where to look, and I am gong to remember that I can survive anything - there are shades of love and life and grief interwoven, I'll just wait and practice healthy behavior. God bless.

Hope you get the help you deserve. Take care